Decide to be happy

Rob Dubin was an award winning filmmaker who owned his own company and travelled the world working for numerous Fortune 500 companies. At 42, he and his wife changed direction, sold their home and bought a sailboat and spent the next seventeen years sailing around the world, studying human happiness and fulfillment.

In his late 60s he then started speaking on happiness and fulfillment and when the great resignation hit in the US, he realised that people were leaving their jobs not just because they were unsatisfied with their jobs but also with their lives.  He now works with corporations on wellness, happiness and fulfillment so they can keep their employees and develop a different type of corporate culture.

Pre-pandemic in the US there was a notion that if you did all the right things, went to school, got an education, got a job, got married, had a family, got the white picket fence, got reasonable promotions along the way happiness would just happen to you. That's not actually the way happiness works. In the pandemic there was a paradigm shift where millions of people started asking themselves were they happy in life, was their life ending up how they imagined it. Lots of people said no its not and resigned in mass numbers.

The second paradigm shift was when people asked themselves questions about their dissatisfaction at work. The HR department always knew the answer was more money and better benefits. Now that people are asking if they were happy in life, the HR departments are at a loss. If compensation and benefits are the solution, the great resignation would be over by now. When people ask themselves the question why am I not happy and how can I be happy, most people don't now how to make themselves happy. In the old world we knew that more money would make us happy. In the new world no one knows the answer because few people know how to make themselves happy.

When Rob and his wife had finished sailing around the world, a lot of people wanted to hear their stories but Rob wanted to leave people with more. He had been very involved in the sailing world and spent considerable time with very wealthy people, millionaires and billionaires who were aiming who high-end yacht races. A short time later they were sailing to tiny islands in the Caribbean and Pacific and spending time with and barefoot villagers. Some the very wealthy people were happy and some unhappy and it was the same for the villagers so happiness is clearly not your circumstances.

Rob feels happiness is both a state and a skill. We think that when zxy happens we will be happy. This is true in a small sense but this kind of happiness only lasts for a short time – we buy a new car, a new house and are happy but a while later we want a different car or house. We get sucked into this idea because it’s partially true but in fact real happiness is just a decision you make to make to be happy. Once we make that decision Rob thinks we need to practice habits or skills of happiness daily over a period of time until they become habits. Once they become habits and part of what you are, happiness becomes part of who you are. Rob uses LIVE HAPPY as an acronym.

L - Learn optimism

I - Invent your new story

V - Value yourself

E - Exert emotional control

H - Happiness is a decision

A - A daily gratitude

P - Practice mindfulness

P - Practice contribution

Y - Your dreams

Rob feels that the way we know when are happy is that we feel a deep contentment that you know your life is going the way you want it and that it is what we thought it was going to be. Our experience of life is our emotions so that's how we describe our experience of life be it happy, sad or worried, these emotions become our life.

The change in direction in Rob’s came a year after he and his wife were part of a group of people who spent five nights in the wilderness after being lost in a winter blizzard in Colorado. People generally only survive one or two nights so after three nights the search for them was called off and they were given up for dead. The search made the news worldwide and when they were found safe, the first call they received was from the President of the United States who congratulated them on their survival. 

The aftermath however though was that Rob’s wife incurred frostbite which led to the doctors saying they would amputate both her feet and most of her fingers. Rob wondered what life was going to be in the future. He left the hospital distraught and helpless but the next morning he woke up feeling powerful. He went back to the hospital where he and his wife refused to sign the papers for the surgery and focused instead on a full recovery. They decided that was going to the outcome and although his wife was in hospital for 21 days and it took a full year, he did make a full recovery. Rob feels their story of resilience has three phases. The first was when they were out in the storm. The second was when they decided they were going to focus on a complete recovery and focus on a compelling future for the future and the third was the story they told themselves going forward – that we can accomplish what we want so lets sail round the world

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more Rob at Robdubin.com

Transparent leadership. The key to success.

Over the course of the pandemic it has become obvious that workers want, and need, more transparency from their leaders. Whilst some leaders still feel business decisions should stay behind closed doors, employees are more and more frequently asking for the rationale behind key changes to be explained and communicated clearly. This has become far more noticeable during the course of the pandemic where employees suffering from high levels of anxiety and feelings of disengagement have wanted reassurance and access to clear and factual information.

The world of work has changed and this has created a new set of challenges for leaders. Companies are busy navigating their way through these changes so there is a real need to maintain clear information, proactive communication and regular updates. All of this needs to be through channels that not only make staff aware of what’s happening but also allows them to voice their concerns to the correct person in the appropriate way.

It’s well established that a culture of transparency can help increase levels of motivation, job satisfaction and morale. It is also an effective way to prevent disengagement and contribute to a happier workforce and increased productivity.

So, in the situation we find ourselves in, trust, transparency and open communication are essential to fostering a collaborative and innovative environment.

Setting a vision for success

Paola Knecht is a certified leadership, transformational, and self-development coach with fifteen years of experience working in leading-edge global corporations, including Viatris and Syngenta. She has recently published her first book The Success Mindset: Take Back the Leadership of Your Mind which challenges the mainstream view of success and asks her readers to redefine success so it is truly meaningful to them.

In her research, Paola looked at the difference between people who are extraordinary and reach things no one thinks are possible and people who don't achieve everything they want to. She feels that many people are living against an externalised idea of what success looks like rather than what matters to them and that they are following a definition of success that was not really defined by them but comes from external sources.

Paola thinks the first thing to consider is what success look like for each individual. For her, success is about discovering and following a vision and really thinking about what makes life meaningful. Not in terms of houses, cars or money because even though you may have reached certain milestones in the corporate world, it doesn’t mean you were successful in your own terms. You may have achieved all of the things you think you should have done but you still feel empty or stuck, don't find meaning in your life, feel bored or fall into the trap of never ending consumption. It’s about who you are rather than what you have.  

At different points in your career there is a chance to reset. Paola left Mexico because she wanted to travel. When she was a child her father gave her a globe which she used study. She graduated in engineering so when she had to choose where to continue her studies study she choose a Masters programme in Switzerland which gave her the opportunity to see more of Europe. Paola’s vision was that she wanted to see more of the world.  She feels we all need to set a vision for ourselves and that one way of doing this is reflecting back on what we enjoyed doing when we were children, before we took on responsibilities, followed other trends and disconnected from activities we loved. This can still be relevant as you get older. Not everyone will be clear on what they want, others are still not sure or discover they aren’t happy doing what they are doing and don’t know how to make the changes they need.

Paola thinks that resilience is something we are all born with, that's an inborn trait. This resilience muscle provides us with a self succeeding mechanism but as we get older and grow out of our inner self we tend to listen and comply to other people.  We forget our resilience muscle and don't ‘train’ it any more so become people pleasers who try to live in a world were we are liked by others and fill their expectations, Then, when a big challenge comes along we find ourselves helpless, asking ourselves ‘what do I do next’, ‘I don't want to fail and my self image be ruined’.

A way of growing resilience is to stop people pleasing. Always working to be liked gets in the way of understanding yourself and having your own sense of self. We need to learn to let go of peoples perceptions of us -  if we don't have our own vision, everyone’s else version of us becomes important.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Paola at www.my-mindpower.com

Her book is available at https://www.amazon.com/author/paolaknecht

Your story matters

Clint Davis was born in South Africa but, after living in Dubai and Australia, he and his wife realised a decades-long dream of living in the USA when they won the Green Card Lottery, a 0.73% chance. He and his wife then moved to Los Angeles, and eventually settled in Austin, Texas.

Clint considers resilience to be one of our greatest characteristics. Living in different countries is not as glamorous as it sounds. Growing up in South Africa he learned about adversity quickly particularly because of the dynamic change from the apartheid system and the racial healing that had to take place over a number of years. Clint and his wife developed a mindset that helped them deal with the different changes and challenges that played out as they moved from country to country. Whether it was budgetary issues or fitting into different communities, their approach became ‘this is where we are’ ‘this is the decision we made’ ‘lets see this through’ and ‘how do we do it’ rather than ‘can we do it’.

Moving gives you the opportunity to reinvent yourself but it also allows you to leave things behind. The more you mature the more you want to leave certain things behind. In your youth, when you move from a country you want to hang on to every nostalgic artifact and relationship but the truth of ‘out of sight out of mind’ is a human fact when you live it and over several moves you can lose many relationships. The reinvention of self is hard to translate back to people if you don't see them face-to-face. When you move countries you have to reinvent yourself and Clint feels the expats who don't make it are the ones who wanted to hang on to their homeland ideologies and didn’t recognise that a new country and culture require them to change. If you can find the balance of your roots and pair it with where you are now you can become an interesting tapestry of a person.

Holding on to your past is important in terms of resilience as its part of who you are. You need to adapt it for the future though rather than simply preserving it. There is a constant battle about what you hang on to and what you let go. Nostalgia actually holds you back when it come s to engaging with a new culture and will hold relational growth back.

Different structures, careers, countries, environments, types of jobs and the entrepreneurial world all need resilience to know you are going to get things wrong so failure needs to be factored in as part of the build process. People define failure differently but Clint feels that if you need to look at each failure as a learning environment , to approach it with a willingness to fail and learn from it and the humility that comes with it. If you are emotionally healthy and stable, you know that what others see as failures, you recognise as lessons and you don’t see failure but growth.

Clint spent seventeen years in radio, broadcasting to four different countries and was also a high performance driving instructor at racetracks and skidpans. Additionally he was involved with freelance podcasting and interviewing and event management. Now with his company Capsil App, the biggest difference is that instead of just doing it and taking the risk for himself, he now has a team of co-founders so needs to keep them and their families in mind as well as the product users and their families.  He feels you need to make a shift from yourself to how your decision making, emotional intelligence and communication plays out not just to keep things pure but to make sure things are communicated correctly - the heartbeat that everything you created as this entrepreneurial version of yourself is actually relayed and received in the correct light of what you are trying to do.

Clint feels that while we live in a digital age, we have done a poor job in passing our personal histories on generationally because there isn’t a stable platform to keep them on. Capsil App is a new platform where users can gather their memories and life stories into digital time capsules with full user control so it can be shared privately with future generations or on an optional public feed to inspire others. It can also provide users with coached storytelling expertise who can help remember all the details and create a meaningful recount of your life events and memories.

For more about Clint or information about Capsil.App visit www.capsll.app/

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

From adversity to emotional wellness

Rosie Mankes is a two-time cancer survivor. In 2008 she was diagnosed with Stage One Lung Cancer and had 10% of her right lung removed. Then, in 2015 she was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer but tested positive for the breast cancer gene so ended up having a bilateral mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. After her second cancer journey decided she wanted to be a life coach to help serve others and she is also a speaker and author of a book

In her book Rosie writes about how she moved from significant adversity to emotional wellness in the space of one year. In 2015 as well as her breast cancer diagnosis she also had to transition her Mother to an assisted living facility because of her progression of her dementia. Her Mother had always lived in New York so was very fearful of leaving the only life she had known behind so she could move closer to Rosie and her family in New Jersey. Then, when things were just starting to settle down, Rosie’s 58 year-old brother died an accident.

Rosie felt cursed and didn’t know how to get out of bed and attempt to be herself. She needed to find out how to move from that place of despair and find a way to emotional wellness and healing. She wanted to find joy in everyday living again. Rosie used to think before that year that it was all about the big picture – if you can just do one big thing you can fix it but she found that when she was in that place it was a series of smaller things that created the change. It was more about grass roots foundation building, digestible bits of information because when you are really down you cant comprehend more than a little bit at a time.

Rosie wasn’t happy so one of the first things she did was to define what happy was. She decided to write down five day-to-day things that made her happy but she ended up with a blank page because she wasn’t happy. She then took a side step and wrote down five things that could make her happy. She came up with a very basic list – sitting with her dogs, watching a sun rise or set, taking a walk – but it wasn't a list of what made her happy so she turned them affirmations and read them constantly until she felt strong enough to integrate them into her life.

She also took a look at the things she had given up during that year. One of the things she had stopped doing was listening to the radio because of the connection she felt to the lyrics. But music was a large part of Rosie’s life so she worked on bringing it back in to her life. She had also stopped exercising partly because of the surgery but she then suffered from crippling anxiety. She didn't really want to go back but she did and she then realised that she needed to look at her gym buddies and visulise who they were, what did she want from her encounter with them and what did she want share. Once she had visulised this at home, she had prepared herself for the encounter and made it easier for her to push through it

As a life coach Rosie feels she has most value when she is working with breast cancer sufferers, helping them deal with the personal things - feelings and emotions that go with losing part of your body. Having been diagnosed with lung and breast cancer Rosie feels breast cancer is far more personal as the body changes are very hard to deal with so the experience that she has been though can help other women express their emotions and fears and help them get through their journey.

Rosie also works with families who are having to transition their parents into assisted living or memory care facility from home. When she was transitioning her mother she felt a lot of guilt because she didn't ever think her mother would ever need to go into a facility. However, her mothers care level needs were high and Rosie’s ability to look after her was low due to her breast cancer. Now Rosie likes to help other people deal with the denial of needs, the guilt that might come along, the preparation of question you need to ask and generally be as knowledgeable as possible so you are better able to cope.

You can find out more about Rosie at Rosiemankes.net Her book is Find Your Joy and Run With It,

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

Can hearing loss affect mental health?

There is no doubt that life is full of personal challenges, some will be small but others will be far more difficult to deal with. Hearing loss isn’t often thought of as something that can harm our mental health, but research has shown that it can have a huge impact on our self-confidence and relationships with others.

Hearing loss affects more than 10 million people in the UK and it is thought that this will increase to 14.5 million by 2031. Running alongside this is the hearing disorder Tinnitus that is estimated to effect 10%
of the UK population frequently, with 5% of them experiencing it in a persistent or troublesome way.

Whatever the diagnosis, hearing disorders can have a huge effect on our quality of life, both physically and emotionally. It can result in a breakdown of communication that can bring on physical symptoms such as tension and exhaustion as well as issues such as distrust, sadness, depression, nervousness, anger, irritability, feeling’s of incompetence or inadequacy and of being marginalised. People can become withdrawn and isolated so their social life can become more difficult and the prejudices associated with hearing loss can result in low self-esteem.

In the workplace, hearing problems can affect the ability to communicate with co-workers, interface with customers and function as part of a team. It can be harder to follow discussions and presentations and, if work relies on communicating with clients, a lack of understanding can be seen as rudeness or inability to do a job well. Hearing can also deteriorate as people get older and, as the majority of us will now be remaining in the workplace for longer, there will be a higher proportion of the workforce with some amount of hearing loss. Around 41% people with hearing loss already retire early due to the impact of their hearing loss, reasons commonly given include difficulties in fulfilling their day-to-day tasks, such as using the phone, or communication challenges with colleagues. Age-related hearing loss develops slowly over time so it can take several years before people actually realise they are having difficulty hearing and often their efficiency and self esteem has already been compromised by this point.

It is easy to understand why people might not want to tell their employer about a hearing problem but it’s important not to pretend or make excuses about it. This only creates problems in relationships with co-workers, customers and clients. People will be far more helpful if they know someone is suffering from a hearing disorder rather than just not paying attention to them. Employers have a legal duty to make reasonable adjustments in the workplace for disabled employees and prospective employees and this includes people with hearing loss. This could mean adjusting the layout of a meeting room, using better lighting to help the person with hearing loss see everybody clearly to help with lip-reading, moving to a office where sound is transmitted well and providing equipment such as amplified telephones and flashing-light fire alarms.

Well-developed resilience skills can also be helpful in dealing with the issues surrounding hearing disorders. The coping skills that can help you bounce back from setbacks and challenges can also be used to deal with some of the issues that can come with a loss of hearing. Stress, anger, pain and feelings of victimisation or of being overwhelmed can be helped by learning some simple techniques that control your psychological response to pressure. It may seem that some people have inbuilt resilience, but resilience is defined in terms of behaviour, so it’s something that everyone can learn and develop so they can cope with pressure, adversity and uncertainty.

Invisible disabilities are sometimes easy to ignore, and although developing resilience will not make problems disappear, it can provide the ability to see past an issue, to better handle stress and to ensure that confidence, energy and performance are maintained.

You can listen to any of our podcasts here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

Addressing burnout is essential to staff retention

Many employees are looking for a new role because they feel their job is detrimental to their health and wellbeing.

With the pandemic continuing to dominate, new issues are popping up in the workplace where leaders are still trying to solve ongoing problems. Meanwhile with workers continuing to deal with increased workloads and the blurring of work and home life, it’s no wonder that burnout levels are rising.

This is highlighted in Ceridian’s annual Pulse of Talent report that surveyed 1,156 workers in companies with at least 100 employees. The research showed that 79% of respondents in the UK experienced some form of burnout, with 35% reporting this at a high or extreme level. It also found that the top three catalysts for burnout among respondents were increased workloads at 49%, mental health challenges at 34%, and pressure to meet deadlines at 32%. Whilst some of this can be put down to the usual pressure of the modern workplace, the pandemic has undoubtedly affected the work-life balance with many workers increasing their hours, taking shorter breaks and working when ill to meet a higher workload and the feeling of always ‘being on’.

This unhappiness means that 19% of the surveyed workers are currently seeking a new job, with another 39% saying they’d consider leaving for the right opportunity. This of course sits with the recent Office for National Statistics report that showed that the estimated number of vacancies recorded was at its highest level since records began.

Respondents were also asked what could be done better to address burnout and  55% thought it would help if their employer kept communication and work expectations within working hours. Setting strict guidelines and adhering to them is therefore essential with regards to working hours and downtime.

These surveys make it clear that many companies can expect to see a far higher turnover rate in the New Year if changes are not made. The need for effective employee support and wellness programmes, greater communication and increased flexibility has never been greater.

*Ceridian’s 2022 Pulse of Talent Report was conducted by Hanover Research and surveyed 1,156 workers in companies with at least 100 employees.

You can listen to any of our podcasts here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

Mindfulness in nature.

Karen Liebenguth has been working with individuals, teams and groups for 12 years, using green spaces, mindfulness and coaching to foster personal and professional development, mental resilience and wellbeing. Karen was one of the first people in the UK to start coaching while walking in nature after finding that both she and her clients get far better results outside rather than sitting indoors.  

Karen became interested in linking the threes areas together after she suffered some mental ill health herself. Around fifteen years ago she was heading a team for a corporate company but received very little line management support. She was suffering from anxiety, sleeplessness and a lack of confidence and needed to do something about it. A friend suggested she look into meditation and from that she thought abouttraining as a coach herself. She signed up for weekend coaching event and that was the start of her new career and setting up and running her own business.

Nature is really the space in which Karen prefers to work with her clients and this goes back to her childhood. She always had a deep connection with nature and is grateful to her mother who was a nature lover and took Karen and her sister on bike rides and walks, Her mother was a single mother who worked full time so the time they had was limited but the time they did have was spent outside and this really helped when life wasn't easy. 

Being in nature supported Karen’s own mental health so when she started coaching and working with clients, she wanted to bring nature into work so they could benefit from it as well. Over the past few years there has been a large shift towards different types of outdoor coaching but there is a lot of evidence to show that being in nature is good for us. We all know what it feels like when we go into our local park or into our back garden. We feel different because we come from nature, it’s our place of origin. The pandemic has put the benefits of being in nature on the agenda for both mental and physical health. E. O. Wilson coined the term biophilia hypothesis, the idea that we have an innate attraction to seek connection to the natural work. It is also well documented that spending time in nature reduces the heart rate, stress and hormone levels as well as boosting the immune system and reducing feelings of loneliness, isolation and depression.

Mindfulness is a skill that needs application and practice. Karen feels it’s training for the mind in the same way physical exercise trains muscles. She also thinks that mindfulness happens in the relationship between our brain and our environment. It is often talked about as if mindfulness only happens in the brain but neuroscience has shown the brain can change but it doesn’t happen on its own.

Mindfulness is so much more than self-awareness. Its about paying attention to the body, emotions, events, how we relate to other people and our environment. Its also about heartfulness, the attitude we bring to ourselves and others. In any situation we can choose the attitude we bring - whether we are open, friendly, kind, compassionate and respectful or whether we are closed, harsh, and critical. Mindfulness helps bring a non-judgemental attitude to ourselves, our own experience and to other people as well as helping us to get to know ourselves so we understand how our actions impact on other people and our surroundings.

Karen feels that we have to experience mindfulness for ourselves, that we have to come to it because we are curious enough about the idea that it might enhance our life.

You can find out more about Karen and her work at greenspacecoaching.com

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

From the holocaust to animal rights

Dr Alex Hershaft is one of the few survivors of the holocaust, more specifically the Warsaw Ghetto.  After being liberated, Alex spent five years 5 in an Italian refugee camp before moving to the United States in 1951 where he studied Chemistry and achieved a PhD. In the early 1960s he became a vegetarian but kept it as a private matter because he didn’t know any other vegetarians.

Alex was five years old when Germany invaded Poland. The Jews in Greater Warsaw were ordered to move to the Jewish section of Warsaw which was then surrounded by a wall topped by barbed wire and became the infamous Warsaw Ghetto.  Life in the Ghetto was a matter of existing and surviving. The normal functions of life paled in comparison with the quest for just staying alive. People were basically forgoing their usual norms of etiquette in dealing with one another in the quest for survival. People kept telling themselves to keep going for one more day. Maybe tomorrow it’ll be all over and the allies will come. If you gave up you were dead. Dying was pretty easy because there were no shortage of ways to die - typhus was prevalent and there was always a shortage of food. People didn't die because they gave up, they died because of the physical manifestations but if you didn't have the desire or the drive to survive it was easy to give up.

After he moved to the USA, Alex became an environmental consultant. In 1972 he was sent to a slaughterhouse in the mid-West to do an inventory on their wastewater problems.  He was on site one day when he turned into a corridor and was faced by piles of animal body parts. He was horrified and had flashbacks of seeing the piles of human remains in Auschwitz - glasses, suitcases, hair and shoes – and it occurred to him that what was happening to the animals could be seen as similar to what the Germans did to the Jewish population. The herding, housing, transportation, skin marking, secrecy and the discussions about what was the most humane way to kill all seemed to echo what had happened.  

Alex feels his experiences in the Warsaw Ghetto helped to shape the way he became empathic with what animals go through in todays factory farms. There are the same concepts of living in abnormal conditions, of severe crowding, of never knowing how ling you are going to be able to live and then being killed violently. After the work at the slaughterhouse Alex was in a state of consternation.  He loved the USA but could now see it as a country doing despicable things to sentient beings. He felt very alone and didn’t have anyone he could share his concerns with but he read some of the work of by Isaac Bashevis Singer and realised at least one other person shared his concerns and fears.

Alex felt a little better but he suffered from survivor’s guilt. Why was he spared, how could he repay the debt and is there a lesson we can draw from the terrible tragedy that had befallen his people. His questions remained unanswered until he attended the World Vegetarian Congress in 1975 and found 1500 we shared his views. At that point he decided he was going to spend the rest of his life fighting all oppression, starting with the oppression of animals for food.

Although he approached vegetarism from a point of conditions, there are a number of other reasons to give up eating meat. A team from Alex’s organisation attended the COP 26 Conference last year where the air and water pollution from industrial agriculture and the health benefits to be gained from vegetarism were discussed in great detail.

Going forward Alex feels that the meat industry has realised that animal agriculture has no long term future and has aligned itself with the concept of plant based meat and dairy products and that this will help in changing peoples views of vegetarism. Many people embrace the idea of animal rights – they love their pets and animals they see as ‘cute’ - but don’t want to change their lifestyle or diet. If, driven by the meat producers, plant based foods are produced in large quantities at a price acceptable to consumers then the obstacle of lifestyle change will disappear.

Alex feels that even if a plant based diet becomes the norm there will still be a role for the movement. There is still the ideology so, although we may have stopped eating animals, there is still the questions of whether animals have rights, whether we have obligations towards them and how can we make things better for all sentient beings.

 You can find out more about Alex and his work at The Farm Animal Rights Movement or AlexHershaft.com Alex also writes a bi-weekly blog The Vegan Blog.org

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

Change your perception of time

Lisa Broderick trained as an economist before going into the business world. She wanted to work on something different though where people who might be sceptics could believe it also so moved into the fof quantitative mechanics, combining it with spiritual traditions. 

Many people know they can slow down time and that time speeds up around them depending on what they are doing. Time is contextual and depends on what we focus on and how we focus. It obviously has a physical component – it exists because things move around and because change occurs - no change no time. As its impossible to have no change, we have time. There is however a perception component. If people focus intently they can slow down and speed up time but we’re not really sure how this works.

If you imagine there are two worlds – the small world of quantum mechanics that is modeled only through mathematics and the large world of cars, human beings and astraroids. These two worlds would never seem to meet but the world of quantum mechanics bubbles up into our everyday lives through for example, computers and lasers. Lisa believes that as we understand and control this more it will provide the basis for how we control time and reality.

Lisa feels that we are getting much further in understanding the actual mechanics of the advances in quantum computing and biometric computing. Quantum entanglements are one of the biggest paradoxes of quantum mechanics - the idea that two particles can exhibit the same conditions. For instance they are both blue but one is on earth and one in space.  If you turn the on earth red the one in space becomes red immediately even though they are separated by thousands of miles and violates the universe speed limit - the speed of light.

Quantum entanglement exists on the quantum level but the question is does it exist in the big world? If it does, we’re going to be able to unlock this world and control it and use it in our daily lives. Lisa wrote her book during lockdown when time was an issue. Before that being busy was seen as a badge of honour but then everything changed. People lost their sense of identity and meaning, were overwhelmed, felt hopeless and burned out. They didn’t have any meaning any more and Lisa feels that they lost their relationship with time.

When we ask people how they are they used to say fine, now they say they are busy. The perception is that there is less time or that we don't use it in a productive way. The first steps in making time more within our control is to understand the equation time from Lisa - time is one part physical and one part perception. The perception part is the part that you can control to change that aspect of time and your perception of time and reality  

Lisa feels the reason we need to know what time it is, is because we need to know what to do now. If we didn’t we wouldn't care so if we can get a grasp of what to do in turns of personal transformation, we can slow down and speed up time in order to do all the things we want to do.

You can find out more about Lisa and her work at LisaBroderick.com Her book is All the Time in the World

 You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

It’s not what you’ve done, it’s how you move forward

Arman Vestad is based in Trondheim, Norway and is a public speaker, father of three and a runner. Before that though he went through a lot of tough challenges. Over the first thirty years of his life he was a criminal, drug addict and debt slave but for the last fifteen he has used the experiences he gained from being on the ‘wrong side’ of life to help others stay on or get back on track.

Arman feels it was a long journey that took him into life as a criminal and that there was no one or anything he could really blame. He had parents who took care of him and three siblings, the one closest in age to him is actual a police officer. He does think though that he had some vulnerabilities when he was a child. He was bullied at school, didn’t have many friends and every so often he received some money from his grandfather. He used this to buy friends so money became the tool to get self-esteem. He had a lack of self-esteem and money was the problem solver. Money has been part of his life all the time in good days and bad days.

Arman feels that he may have had a genetic vulnerability but that he was also affected by circumstance and by friends and people he met. Critically, he moved away from his parents and lived with his grandfather when he was 13 or 14 years old. His parents lived on an island with access to the city only by ferry. Arman loved playing football so asked if he could stay with his grandfather to enable him to play more. He stayed there most of the week and he now thinks that although it was fun staying with his grandfather this was where his problems started. He grandfather was 70 and divorced and enjoyed having Arman staying but there were no boundaries or limits.

Arman now feels children need to have boundaries but at the time he thought not having them was really good. He could do exactly what he wanted and in the spirit of this he also started stealing money from his grandfather.  His grandfather gave him money but it wasn’t enough and when he did it the first time it was extremely exciting. He decided he wouldn’t do it again and would put the money back but he couldn't.  Once you break the boundaries the first time its much easier to do it the next time – he knew it was wrong but he feels that if someone had stopped him and shown him the consequences at the age of fifteen who knows what would have happened.

By the time was 18 or 19 he was a doorman at a club. Some of the customers were criminals and they befriended him. He became part of a culture and adapted to it and one thing led to another and he realised that he could make more money by selling drugs and would do that from time to time. He was a party boy who loved to dance, be happy and share joy. He was very generous so gave away money, drinks and drugs and also made his own drugs which made a lot of money and became addicted because he needed to test his own drugs to see the quality.

Over time the police became aware of him and he was arrested many times. In the mid 90s he was in the UK, Amsterdam and Poland at parties that were part of the rave culture. He didn't feel a criminal, rather he was part of a big community that was testing boundaries but after several overdoses that life had taken a completely different direction. In 2000 he was sitting in a police cell and was at rock bottom  - he weighed 70kgs when two years previously he had been 120kgs. His physical and mental health was a complete mess and he just wanted to stop living.

People standing on the outside don’t understand the power of community. Community has the power to heal and be positive but also the power but to destroy and attract people into a certain set of lifestyle choices. There is a vicious cycle of the community, drugs and crime which can be quite seductive, all partying and having fun but at the same time not noticing what it’s based on. You get caught up in the excitement and hedonism of the time. It is possible to stop the cycle but you need to stop it by removing one of the elements of the cycle and replacing it with something else that gives you that buzz.

When some people hit rock bottom they stay there but others have the resilience to make the decision to change. When he was in the prison cell Arman felt at rock bottom and wondered what have I done to deserve this – I’m just a kid who wanted to fit, be liked and be appreciated for the person I am. He didn’t feel he had enough to change things but the turning point came when he met a policeman a few months later.   Arman had gone even further down but policeman talked to him, asked him how are you today, you doesn't look very good, is there anything I can do to help, name it and I will try to see if I can make it happen. It was a very vulnerable moment and it might not have happened the day before or the day afterwards. Arman was arrested but the policeman visited him the next and that was the ignition he needed - as the policeman had said I don't see you as a drug addict I see you as a person.

Armans life didn't change at that time but when he met the next person in his journey, a prison inspector he had enough confidence in himself to realise he was worthy as a person. The prison inspector spent a lot of time with him and helped point him towards the work he does now but he still had to find his first job after he left prison. The person who hired him asked him two questions at the interview - what have you learned from the time you've been an ex-criminal and how can those lessons you learned help us solve our society responsibility. Those two questions changed the atmosphere completely at the job interview. Instead of being afraid and hiding his CV, he knew she asked about what he had learned so it was up to him to tell her.

One of Armans missions now is talking to managers or companies about hiring ex-criminals and explaining what the benefits are if you hire them. When he got his first job no one believed he would ever survive, that he would be unemployed for the rest of his live. Now, having worked for 15 years for the Norwegian government he can show its possible to change and make a difference. Ultimately it’s not about what you've done, its what it meant and how you drive it forward.

You can find out more about Arman and his work at https://www.armanv.no/en/

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

Moving on from alcohol addiction

Veronica Valli is a recovered alcoholic and drug addict, who has personal experience of what it takes to recover from an addiction. At the height of her addiction, she was unable to go to work without the aid of a drink and her life and confidence were in tatters. She got sober in 2000 at the age of twenty-seven and went into working in the addiction field as a Psychotherapist primarily because of her own personal history.  Since moving to the USA with her husband Veronica has written two self published books and has a new book coming out in February. She now works mainly as a coach with women who want to change their relationship with alcohol.

Veronica feels alcohol is part of the social fabric and that people who struggle with their relationship with alcohol do four things. 1. They drink.  2. They think about drinking. 3.  They think about not drinking. 4. They recover from drinking. People who don't have a problem with alcohol don't think about it because it doesn't rent any space in their head and take up energy. Veronica’s calls this bandwidth. You can do a lot with 70% bandwidth but what you can’t to is emotionally grow the way you’re meant to because you are spending that bandwidth arguing with yourself about whether you’re going to have a drink that night or not, whether you drank too much at the weekend or whether you should do Dry January.

Problems with alcohol start a long time before the external signs such as missing work appear. Only people with a problem think about not drinking - why would you be thinking about not drinking? People who don't have a problem think about alcohol the some way people think about sandwiches. It's the thinking about not drinking that's the indicator.

In the UK we have normalised abnormal drinking. People are seen as successful in the various areas of their life on the outside - they check the boxes, of having a job, a house and a car so not seen as having a drinking problem. If people go to work every day they are seen to be functioning and can appear to be OK. It may be that one part of a relationship is worried but the other isn’t concerned and feels they are functioning well. They still have a job and Veronica feels the job is the last thing to go because it’s where the money is and money is where the alcohol is. Typically though the relationship will break down before the job goes.

There is always the need to find support. The most common approach is the 12 Steps and Veronica got sober using this because at the time there where no other options. She found it very useful and always makes it clear that the 12 steps are simply ancient, spiritual wisdoms so we get into good enough fit enough shape to become alcohol free and then go and get some professional help. It’s a helpful approach but she feels there should be other options and that its not the perfect fit for everyone as some people don't relate or identify with it. It's a peer led programme and many people Veronica knows also have other issues such as limiting beliefs or relationships that need professional intervention

There is a difference in how alcohol affects the genders and the way of working with different genders. Veronica was part of Generation X and in the 90s binge drinking was sold as feminism. The belief was that if you drank like the boys it was equality.  To women of her generation abusive drinking normalized. Over the last five or six years though there has been a culture of alcohol being seen as a reward at the end of a stressful day. Perception is far harder if you drink, there is a numbing of feelings and a default to alcohol to deal with problems so you don't develop the skills you need as human beings to deal with disappointment or frustration. When you’re drinking you re not really alive, you’re not really present – you don't have all your band width – which is similar to the feelings associated with taking pills for  anxiety or depression. There is a feeling of walking through life thinking we’re are dealing with everything but not dealing with anything

Alcohol is marketed to women differently. There has been a rise in female led drinks such as Prosecco which are seen as being fun and glitzy – that if you’re not drinking you’re missing out. Women simply can’t drink as much as men and there are also unique problems woman have. If women going through menopause drink too much it makes the situation worse but drink is pushed on woman whatever stage of life you’re in. Male drinking is different. It’s more sociable as men tend to drink in groups whilst women tend to drink more on their own. Veronica feels that alcohol is one of the few ways men are allowed to express emotion, that it’s acceptable to cry on best friends shoulder if their football team lost. If alcohol wasn't involved men wouldn’t do that. There is no permission for men to express their feelings and alcohol gives them the avenue to express that.

Veronica feels that alcohol is sold as a belief system before we even start to drink. Not drinking is never presented to us as a option because drinking is what adults do. Alcohol is the best way to get to the land of fun, excitement, relaxation, belonging, connection rewarding yourself, romance and sex . That's what’s sold to us and who doesn’t want that? You want these things but if you feel inadequate alcohol will get you to that place. If you’re not drinking you’re seen as being boring and have to fight the social conditioning and stereotyping that goes with it.  It can be hard to challenge this on your own as the messaging is so clever and insidious.

Connection and community are essential to stopping drinking as we all need to have meaningful connections. We need people who really know us, who we can be vulnerable with – part of the reason AA has been around so long is that it provides community. At 27 Veronica lost all her friends because no one was staying in on a Saturday and she didn't have anyone to hang out with. When you stop drinking you feel like you’re the only one so you need to be with people who understand what you’re going through. It’s also powerful a bit further down the road to be with people who can say ‘I remember that’,  ‘I felt like that this is what I did’,  ‘this is how I feel now’. Seeing people who’ve been through it helps you think that it is possible for me. Connection is the most healing and life sustaining thing we can do.

Veronica’s latest book is Soberful,  a personal development programme that would be helpful for anybody not just people who have a problem with alcohol. Everybody has to do personal development work but most people don't realise that and just bumble along. An alcohol problem is a wake up call, you've got to do some personal wok on yourselves. We all need to exercise regularly for optional health and personal development are just exercises for our mental health that we need to do regularly as well .

 You can find out more about Veronica and her work at soberful.com or https://www.veronicavalli.com/ Her book Soberful is available via Amazon.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

Fashion as empowerment. Social responsibility, technology and resilience.

Jonathan Joseph believes that fashion is for everyone. He started his company Little Red Fashion as way to educate children about the fashion industry through tech-enhanced books and resources that empower the next generation of fashion lovers, leaders, consumers, and creatives through a lens of DEI and sustainability.

Jonathan worked as a consultant in the woman’s luxury fashion and sportswear industry. During this time he saw a lot of toxicity and negativity that not only affected people working in the industry but also consumers through marketing and advertising. He thought that it would be possible to shortcut some of these issues such as the body dysmorphia created by unrealistic standards by empowering children rather than fixing broken adults.

After being left at an orphanage in Columbia when he was a baby, Jonathan was adopted when he was nine months old. He then grew up in New York where he was diagnosed with Ataxic Cerebral Palsy (ACP). This is a very rare type of Cerebral Palsy that affects perception, balance and fine motor skills but Jonathan’s parents taught him to be resilient. He wasn’t treated any differently by his family. It was ‘OK you have Cerebral Palsy but you can find ways around it and we will fight for you’.

Living with ACP became normal for Jonathan. His is non generative and when he was younger he undertook a lot of physical and occupational therapy. He also had to wear leg braces and these helped get him into fashion. His Mother was always looking for ways to empower him against the ACP by finding clothes and accessories that provided ‘armour’ in a world that may otherwise have been judgmental. Jonathan feels his Mother was a great role model. She was diagnosed with breast cancer before he was born and he can remember when she was going for chemo or radiation treatment she always had a scarf and her favourite Dior sunglasses - her armour for a situation that was disempowering by its nature.

Jonathan feels that you can use fashion as part of your therapeutic approach by creating a persona or armour or by realising that how you currently present yourself might be part of your ongoing issues. There is also the opportunity to use fashion as a lens to deconstruct the negative things that the fashion industry is notorious for. Fashion is a double-edged sword.  It can be very empowering but you can also get wrapped up in the consumer culture that puts a premium on fashion to the detriment of financial or mental health. The need is to create a healthy relationship between fashion, the consumer culture and children. Children need to realise that whatever their online personality is it comes from them and should be empowering. As long as they are aware of that then they are approaching it in a healthy way.

The fashion industry brings together a lot of topics under its umbrella, business, design and textiles for example. Jonathan’s company Little Red Fashion uses fashion as a lens to talk about and deconstruct complex issues and broker conversations between children and adults. Fashion is infinitely relateable and can play a role in how children navigate the world. Jonathan uses augmented reality (AR) to help highlight the goals of diversity, equity, inclusion, and sustainability by enhancing static resources like books to make them more dynamic and interactive and easier to engage with things such as body positivity They also have a fashion mentorship scheme so children and families can get resources and insights from professionals across the field in different disciplines that may inspire them – helping to move away from the ‘need to know someone in the industry’.

Jonathan’s first book The Little Red Dress is available on website preorders from February 2022

You can find out more about Jonathan and Little Red Fashion here.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

What relationships need to succeed. Communication, learning and resilience.

Kathryn Ford has been practicing psychotherapy for over 20 years. She now specialises in working with couples and other relationships having realised the importance of relationships and that she could do a better job if she had the whole relationship in the room rather than a single piece of it.

Kathryn feels being in a couple is very natural but that it’s also very natural to have difficulty being in a couple. Statistics show that about 75% of all human beings will attempt to be in a couple or major relationship at some point and, as Kathryn says, these relationships are the major way we continue to grow as adults.

When people make the mistake of thinking that the relationship is difficult because there is something wrong,  wrong with one of them, wrong with the relationship or that they are the wrong match, what’s really going on is that there is a lot of learning to be done and it takes a while to figure out how to do that.

Kathyrn feels that realising that being in a relationship is the single most important thing you can do for your own happiness and that pursuing your own happiness separately doesn't usually result in happiness. Some people ask her what is the most Important thing to look for in a partner and she thinks that we need to look for someone who likes to learn and is interested in learning because most of what you will need to do with this person is to learn together.

People often look for a type of person for a relationship without understanding what a type is and how restrictive that is. You could also look at there being different relationships for different stages in life. In the same way a company grows, relationships can have their entrepreneurial, start up and acquisition phases. The need is always to figure out how to learn together because relationships can run their course if you don't keep doing this.

Children can change relationships. In previous generations children were not at the centre of the parental relationship but in many cases now that is completely reversed. Couples need to realise that they have to prioritise their child’s health and wellbeing but that the learning for that child will come from how well they do as a couple. The main task of the family is to help the children learn to be with other people but how can you help your child learn how to relate if you’re not doing a good job of that yourself? There needs to be a emphasis on the couple. Previously families were larger social groups and there were a lot of people around to help each other. These days its more likely that two adults are trying to raise their children so the quality of their relationship makes the difference in sustaining the energy needed for the demands of being a parent. This highlights how couples need resilience. We need to face our battles together, help each other as we fail and bounce forward and learn from the experience.

Kathryn feels that the type of conversation that many couples have does not help. Often it boils down to a debate, a checking in about who knows what and whose ideas are better. What’s needed is an enlivened conversation that builds resilience and allows both people to explore and learn together. They can then move out of an adversarial mindset to a place where they can learn and be resilient together. Kathryn feels learning is the most important thing that a couple needs to do. A relationship can be demanding and needs energy and an inspiring vision, something to aim for that learning can be added to. The vision is what you’re going to learn to do together not who you already are when you start the relationship. Relationships do through different stages and this can bring different aspirations - one person moves forwards and leaves the other one behind.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Kathryn and her work at her website including details about her new course starting this month with Stanford Continuing Studies .

Welcome to 2022!

Well, after what’s been a long year, an exciting year and for many, a challenging year, we’ve made through 2021. Whilst some people found it a tricky year to navigate, others found it a lot easier, but however we got through 2021, its what we do next that matters.

2022 has all the makings of being a fascinating year, a pivotal year and what’s needed is the mindset to make the most of it. A lot of people start the New Year by drawing up a set of resolutions but don't build the plan with the means to achieve it. Without a breakdown that takes you from the beginning to the end you’re set up to fail.  

Writing resolutions can though be more of a bigger picture exercise. Using something like the Wheel of Life can help you look forward to the future in 10, 20 or 30 years time. By looking at things like where am I going to be psychologically, in my career, financially, or relationship wise, you can see the bigger picture that can then help you figure out resolutions for the short term.  Of course, if our goals aren’t long term enough or ambitious enough, our resolutions can sometimes become trite and meaningless so don't grip our imaginations. For 2022 why not tackle your resolutions differently – put a plan together for the whole year … with a reward attached when you achieve it.

Another option is to forget goals and resolutions and sit down and review the previous year. Figure out the things you want to stop, start and continue. Look at where you’re going and what you can stop doing. You’re probably not setting goals or resolutions based on what went before so look at what you want to do more of and what you want to do less of or stop doing. We’re all guilty of taking on more and more, whether it’s work or social commitments and we don't think about what we can mindfully remove from our lives.

The idea of stop, start and continue is very simple but it mind give you a better idea of how 2022 might find into the general direction of things. Maybe 2022 can be the year you can really sort out where you are going. Work-wise, it might be a case of asking yourself whether your work still has purpose and meaning? Is it where I want to be? The future of work is changing and the rebalancing of the labour market and the way we are working means there is the opportunity to make changes.

Some people have already made considerable changes, moving from the idea of financial reward to that of seeing a tangible outcome. This year there is the potential to ask ‘do I really want this or am I just doing it for for the money’. Four criteria you could use to look at your job are whether it brings money, intellectual challenge, fun or achievement. If you’re not getting any of these from your role it’s possible that it’s total lack of meaning and interest could lead to burnout. Ask yourself what do I want from this year? If you don't know what you want, reverse it and ask what don't I want? What is the purpose and meaning of work in your life? How important is it in the scheme of things. Remember your focus will change at different stages in your life. You could also try to write a bucket list, bunches of different ideas and things you haven’t tried. We can easily get stuck in a rut doing the things we always do and finding meaning is not always about having things or going places rather finding happiness in what we do.

2022 is about change. The culture of organisations, the world economy and coming out of Covid will all lead to change which in turn will creates opportunities … and risks. The more we can plan for the future, the less anxious you will feel about it. Once you’ve worked out what you want or don't want to do you can apply self-discipline and focus to achieve it.  Here’s where it can go wrong through. Sometimes we get distracted by things that give us a greater or short- term reward or procrastinate too long so we miss the discipline of long-term goals.

Whatever the root-cause of your distraction, take away the decisions and just go out and do it! Dump the rules and just make choices. Decide what you want and then go out and do it. Chose to do one thing, enjoy it then choose something else to do the next day. Choices are what help’s us to make the life we want. Decision fatigue comes from having too many decisions to make so in a way it’s easier to say no to everything rather than having to challenge ourselves by making lots of small decisions.

Maybe we should make 2022 a year of choice. Whether we choose to be different, choose to get something special for ourselves, choose to deliver more than we think we can, the first choice we need to make is to have a plan behind us!

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

The learning is in the journey. Resolving conflict between teens and their families.

Valerie Canino works with parents and their teens to help them focus on resolving conflict and set goals to help create a success path.

Valerie doesn't consider teens a troublesome category to work with. She finds them very enlightening, feels they have a lot of wisdom and that they are misunderstood a lot.  The teen years are challenging. It’s a growth period and a stage in their life where they are learning much of what they’ll take into adult life - exploring and experiencing friendships and relationships as well as having academic pressures.

Much of Valerie’s work revolves around creating a strong connection between parents and their teens. This is a period of life when teens really need their parents. She feels that some teens struggle especially when making decisions and solving problems. She often finds when coaching teens that they want to do well and be resilient but they don't know how to do well. They get stuck and her coaching helps them get unstuck and find the answers.

Often they get stuck because of outside influences such as social media, which make them feel they are on the outside. Their own parents have expectations and want them to be successful but this looks different for every family. Teachers and other adults in their world can also add to the pressure by making them feel powerless and that they don’t have a voice – why say anything, why do anything if you’re not going to be listened to?

Nowadays teens aren’t really trained to think critically. Critical thinking programmes don't feature in the education process any more as schools especially are set up to get students through subjects. Critical thinking is essential though in helping teens work through a problem, realise what is going to move them forward and help them get the result they want. Schools can’t be responsible for everything so its up to parents to be responsible for the provision of a parent model. This can have a huge influence on kids. A parent helping guide their child through making a decision is extremely powerful but a lot of the times Valerie finds that although great strides have been made on parenting there is still some thinking in society that adults know best. It’s up to the parent to create a connection and allow their child to make mistakes and decisions and to figure out their own path

Being a guide is about creating a connection and allowing the teen to have their voice and express themselves. Letting them be who they want to be, focusing on the good and positive, having an open dialogue and parenting from within. Instead of telling them what to do, parents should be helping them figure out what to do. Parents may not like the decision but once the choice has been made the decision is owned. This experience of owning that choice allows them to learn and teaches responsibility and consequence all of which is very empowering.

There are several different styles of parenting which work for different ages but Valerie helps parents develop their parenting instincts so they don’t come from their head, ego anger and fears, but from their own instinct for what they think is best for their teen. They are listening within rather than taking on outside influences. Part of being a parent is setting rules and structures but there is also a need to allow teens to have an opinion and for this to be discussed freely. They need to be able to balance their expectations by setting their goal and having a plan to achieve it but also being open to other options in case it doesn't work out. The focus may be on the end result but a lot of the learning is in the journey. It's the plan, the need to execute the plan, to get things wrong but then having the resilience to move forwards.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Valerie and her work at https://valeriecanino.com/ She is also the author of the upcoming guide Surviving to Thriving and the owner of the non-profit Mission A-Teenable, Inc., which seeks to offer coaching to teens at a low cost.

Time to invest in ourselves.

Dr Russell Thackeray’s podcast from December 2020 talks about the rather strange circumstances we found ourselves in 2020 and how we could launch ourselves into 2021. Unfortunately, much of this is still very relevant to the uncertain times we find ourselves in again this year so we thought it could be useful to return to it. In this podcast:

There is no doubt that during 2020 we’ve seen the best - and the worst of people in the work environment. There have been tales of heroism and triumph. People who haven’t worked for a large part of the year have had to deal with the economic and mental health issues that brings whilst others have worked relentlessly and tirelessly with the possibility of burnout hitting at some point. People have moved from big, open plan offices with the support, and problems, that brings to the challenge of working at home, sometimes in an environment really not suited to work!

The one thing we can bring out of the whole situation is the importance of resilience. We have seen that people can whether the storm, they can keep going and even thrive but its important to realise that they can’t keep going forever. At this time of year we all really need to do one (or both) of two things:

·      Stop and rejuvanate ourselves or

·      Invest in ourselves to plan forward.

Firstly, we need to really stop and look at what we’re doing. Remember we’re on holiday so turn off the work mobile, don't look at the emails and don’t start on the presentation needed in the New Year. We have to have a break to renew. Try some meditation or breathing exercises, have some long, relaxing baths or get out for some walks in the countryside.

Stopping will also help you to think forward. If you feel stuck or aren’t happy then start planning! There are a huge number of free learning courses online to help obtain some new skills. Alternatively, check out the Wheel of Life, which can help us think and project forward through categories such as career, relationships finance and happiness. It will also highlight the fact that at different points in our lives, different things are important. For example, at the moment you may be prepared to work hard because its getting you where you want to go but alternatively, you might be coming to a point where you’re working equally hard but you realise it’s not giving you what you need so it’s time to stop and think about what you really want.

Once we stop we can then start to invest in ourselves. We can begin by being more mindful about the way we engage with ourselves, our partners and our friends and family and the time we dedicate to them. We can look at our immune system and the nutrients and vitamins it needs to improve our sleep and help us generally feel better. We can also look at our work environment. We need to make sure we can move about freely, take time away from screens and build in proper breaks rather than just keeping going.

Rolling forward, it looks as if the seas will be a bit choppy so thinking about the narrative we use can help our mental state. If we think 2021 is going to be terrible we’ll spend our time dreading what’s to come whereas if we adopt more of a ‘what will be’ attitude we’ll be able to deal with situations a lot better. Plan some things that you can look forward to. Just the process of booking future holidays, family events or days out helps change our mental state. Remember how confirmation bias helps give us the things we believe in. If, on balance, we think 2021 will be a positive year it’s far more likely to happen if we tell ourselves it will. 

Our mental state can also be affected by the constant flow of social media. The dopamine surge when we get ‘liked’ on Facebook can be pretty addictive so we need to keep a healthy sense of perspective. The same is true about the media generally. We need to become more rationally pragmatic so we can make measured decisions about what we see and read.

Above all else, we need to be kind to ourselves. 2020 has been a year like no other and we all deserve some time and some self-care.

The only other thing to say is that we hope you have a happy and safe Christmas and we look forward to catching up with you again in 2022!

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

Understanding and dealing with conflict

Douglas E Noll or Doug Noll was born deaf, blind and unable to walk. He had four surgeries before he was three to enable him to walk and at school did not perform well until the fourth grade when a school nurse tested his vision and found he couldn't see.

Although he was raised in privilege and affluence, socially and emotionally had no support as his parents were distant and he was left to fend on his own. However, once he had glasses he did well at school, and high school, going on to Dartmouth College before attending law school in California. He initially worked for a judge before going into private practice to become a civil trial laywer. After twenty-two years, he went back to school to obtain a Masters in Peacemaking and Conflict Studies before quitting law practice in 2000 and becoming a peacemaker.

Doug now uses an advanced form of mediation to deal with conflict in law suits, litigation or disputes where people are so angry they would rather kill each other than sit down and talk! He helps to deescalate situations and calm people them down to help them work through the issues to build a durable peace. There are four basic ways to deal with human conflict. The first is coercion where one person tells the other person what to do. The second is litigation where you go to an outside authority such as a judge or arbitrator who has the power to decide whats going to happen. The third way is to go to mediation which allows the parties involved to still have the power to resolve the issue themselves but with an outside person to help them through a process that allows them to focus on the situation. The last way is negotiation. Most situations are resolved in this way but people often want to revert to coercion if they get too upset. Whatever the size of a dispute, the issue at hand is usually not the problem. Conflict generally arises because one or a combination of six needs are not being met. Doug calls these the Six Needs of Justice - Vengeance, Vindication, Validation, The need to be heard, The need to create meaning and The need for safety.

People generally prefer peace, and only involve conflict if they feel there is no other way to get resolution. As we don't like conflict we tend to avoid it so are not used to dealing with it when a major conflict occurs. Few people have any training in dealing with conflict and without it’s difficult to know how to deal with anger or upset without being triggered yourself. Listening other people is one of the key foundational skills of life because it helps in developing your own emotional database and is an antedote to getting upset or angry when someone starts yelling at you.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Doug here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Doug and his work at https://dougnoll.com/ HIs latest book is De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less

Taking charge of MS

Wendy Björk has been living with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) for over 35 years and now used her experience and knowledge to help people diagnosed with MS to know they have choices and that there is hope 

Wendy explains MS in terms of an electrical cord that you pull from the wall socket roughly too any times. The wires start to separate and the covering becomes damaged. The nerves in the body also have a covering and in MS, the cover is damaged or missing so when the brain tries to signal the body the signals are missed or not received correctly - the body still works but not at 100%.

In the US there is some discussion as to whether MS is genetic, There is no diagnosed MS in Wendy’s family but her grandmother had what was thought to be very bad arthritis and could barely walk and Wendy feels there may also have been an element of MS in this.

Often MS starts with quite small things that could be attributed to many other illnesses. It took six years for Wendy to be fully diagnosed. She started suffering from symptoms when she was fifteen or sixteen. When she got out of a hot bath her legs felt like ‘spaghetti’ and were useless. She mentioned this to her doctor during her annual physical but he didn’t seem to think it unusual so she kept ignoring it. It kept happening and then she started to get numbness and tingling in her feet.

Every case is different but it often starts with the extremities of the body. Wendy feels you should look for non- connected experiences. She first saw a neurologist when she was working at he first job in an insurance office. It was a very busy and stressful environment and one day she just couldn't speak. She thought she was having a stroke but in reality something in her brain wasn't connecting properly and in this instance it was her speech that was affected.

MS is a life limiting illness but people can choose how to look at it, deal with it and live with it. Treatment following a medical diagnosis will now often involve different infusions and medications that suppress or mask the symptoms. When Wendy was first diagnosed there were few medications available so she had to learn how to manage the things around her. She still feels this is a good step – alleviating stress, keeping calm and doing breathwork can all help in resetting your nervous system.

It can be very easy to go into a negative spiral. You can feel out of control because you can’t do anything about the diagnosis and slip into a depressive zone. It took Wendy a long time to navigate around it but she realised she was only 40 years old so needed to do something different. She considers herself very fortunate that her manager in her first job was very supportive. It was the early 90’s and he was very interested in self-development so sent her on a number of seminars and courses where she learnt how to take something and find a positive in it. Everyone is dealing with something and manipulating the way you use your brain can help deal not only with MS but also other illnesses or situations. 

In the US Wendy feels there are definite gaps in the care of MS.  A positive attitude is a good start but there are other aspects apart from mindset. There are many chemicals that can interfere with how your system functions so what you are eating, drinking and putting on your body is important in reducing the amount of inflammation in the body. A support circle and someone you can talk about your MS to is also important as is the home environment where things such as cleaning products can have an effect on your bodies system and how it functions.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Wendy here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Wendy and her work at Heartsofwellness.com and also download her free ebook ‘What is your body trying to tell you’.

Grief Yoga. Healing through movement

Paul Denniston is a yoga teacher who specilises in learning how to move through grief or other difficult and challenging emotions such as anger or anxiety. He has created a practice called Grief Yoga that pulls together yoga, movement, breathwork and sound to transform pain or struggle and connect to empowerment or love.

There are many types of yoga. Hatha Yoga focuses on holding postures and breathing to quiet the mind and aid stability and balance. Vinyasa Flow Yoga on breathing and flowing from one posture to another like a meditation in motion. Kundalini Yoga uses different types of breathwork and posture to cause powerful transformations. Restorative Yoga is a gentle practice to help stretch and release tension and anxiety whilst Laughter Yoga is a mixture of laughter exercises and techniques blended with yoga stretching and breathwork. People have their own take on humour, but these are exercises that help release endorphins from the brain to facilitate more happiness. Paul uses elements of Laughter Yoga in his Grief Yoga practice because he feels there is a fine line between laughter and tears. Laughter helps the free flow of emotion to move through, especially the suppressed feelings we have beneath the surface, to allow the healing benefits to take place.

Having trained in the different practices, Paul realised that he was going to classes himself to help deal with his challenging emotions of anxiety and grief.  He created his Grief Yoga practice, a blend of different types of yoga, with the specific intention of releasing pain to fund more empowerment and love - it was a class that he would what to take himself! When going through training Paul was dealing with a lot of anticipatory grief because his sister was dying and he was having a hard time moving through the suppressed feelings he was holding onto. Although he didn't feel like laughter, it connected him to what he was feeling which was anger and sadness. Laughter gave him the release he needed to allow him to be more present with his sister and dealing with her loss.

Paul works with many people who have experienced and dealt with trauma.  The first step of the process is to become aware of the present, the body, breath and ways to befriend the body through gentle ways to move and stretch. The next step is about expression. A lot of the time we don’t have the words to express our pain, hurt, anger or rage so the practice of using the sound and vibration of the voice can start to move the pain through so we might not have to have the words to articulate it.

Paul spent decades trying to run away from pain, seek peace for himself and deal with his anxiety. He was going to classes for his physical wellbeing but he realised there was so much more beneath the surface. He then thought that if we channeled struggle and pain, we could use it as fuel for healing, If we hold onto pain in the body, the body remembers this and the trauma so it’s possible, in a compassionate space, to move the pain through so we don't have to hold to it inside. He feels that we can have physical pain in the body but that it can be a manifestation of grief that we are suppression. Because everyone grieves differently, it can manifest itself in different areas of the body such as the back, neck, stomach, pelvis or chest or even cause teeth grinding teeth at night if the grief is held in the throat.

Grief can come from many different aspects of change or loss so can be seen in many different ways - the loss of a loved one, a dream of what you thought was going to be, the ending of a relationship or even a sense of disappointment. It can also be a collective thing. People can experience grief when a famous person dies because of the way that person had touched them or through an event such as the pandemic or 9/11. Collective grief is rarely acknowledged and this can become challenging because grief needs to be witnessed by ourselves or by others. During the pandemic not being able to attend funerals meant we missed the healing of having our grief and loss witnessed.

Paul doesn’t necessarily believe in closure in the grief process. If we choose to love then grief is a part of the process. Each day is different but we need to move through the loss. One of the steps he focuses on is evolution – how we changed after the loss, how our life is different now, how am I different after loving them. With time things can become easier but its part of our life experience and process.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Paul here..Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Paul through his website Griefyoga.com

His new book HEALING THROUGH YOGA Transforming Loss into Empowerment is available from January and can be pre-ordered through Paul’s website