A blueprint for life. Moving on from extreme narcissism.

Derek Newborn is the owner of a worldwide online health and fitness coaching programme that focuses on the mind body and spirit. He has also set up a website, thenewbornblueprint.com which aims to help men who have had massive emotional setbacks and want to reclaim their truth and connection to the world.

Derek initially worked as a personal trainer and built a highly successful personal training business. He was then discovered by a modelling agency and became a fitness model but the further he went down that path, the more he lost himself emotionally and mentally. His relationships with his friends and family went down and it seemed that the more successful he appeared externally and the more recognition he got for his physical appearance, the more the emotional and mental aspects of his life went in the opposite direction. He suffered from a massive clinical depression, two suicide attempts and as he went through that journey, he realised he had become a narcissist.

Derek felt he had lost himself. He had always had a vision of how his life would be and that he would like to make a successful career in the fitness world. He achieved that, his partner at the time was his ‘dream girl’ so on paper he had everything he thought he needed and wanted. On the inside though personal issues from his past meant he felt extremely empty. He used self-sabotaging behaviours, cheating, lying and hurting the people he loved the most to try to find the peaceful feeling he felt he was missing. The only thing he was concerned about was filling the emptiness so although on outside everything seemed great but on the inside he was disconnected.

Derek feels his feeling of emptiness stems from abandonment issues from his childhood. This fear outweighed any love he had for his family and partner so he was just focused on not being abandoned. The process of not being abandonment however actually pushes people away through his self sabotaging behaviours, Derek created everything to was trying to avoid.

At the same time he realised he had become a narcissist. Everything was about him and making himself feel good. A narcissist isn’t concerned about taking advantage of other people, they are self-centred and don’t worry about the repercussions or damage they create. Derek started to work on his narcissism initially by addressing his abandonment issues. He had to connect himself to his truth and believe that no matter who comes and goes in his life, no matter what his financial situation is, he is not going to be abandoned

In the past if relationships broke down Derek would just go out and find somebody to entertain him but now he is able to do things alone and can be happy and content with himself. He had to be honest with people about why he did or said things and from there it was about reverse engineering everything that he had done. After his first suicide attempt he had to go though some therapy and has since done several different versions of conventional therapy. He found that the most effective therapy for him was reconnecting with his past traumas and working through them. He felt therapy kept reliving the bad things and it was hard to see himself as a new person if he kept reliving the past.

Derek built his website thenewbornblueprint.com for modern men. Derek defines a modern man as somebody who is comfortable with themselves and knows exactly who he is. He feels that modern society makes it easy for a man to lose himself and that it’s more about keeping you controlled as a man. It is rare for a man to talk about struggling mentally or of being a narcissist and things like social media are easy to get wrapped up in. A modern man takes ownership of the good and bad in his life and is always trying to improve it

Derek believes its harder than ever for a man to be a true man, especially in America where people think of men as being very macho, very brave, of working super hard and being tough. Many women now exhibit more of these characteristics and abilities which makes it difficult for men to cover off or invent a new set of purposes for themselves. The Blueprint is also for partners so they can better prepare themselves and understand that no one is born a narcissist, that things have to happen and people show up in their lives to strengthen the characteristics.

Health and fitness is incorporated into Derek’s approach. He feels that if you are severely out of shape or not physically confident it can be hard to be mentally confident. Originally his programme focused just on physical fitness but he soon realised how much of an emotional and mental attachment there is to the fitness journey. Derek feels that if men want to be successful in relationships they have to be completely connected to their truth. He thinks that every man has a purpose and as they go through life their truth gets blurred and they lose themselves. They go through life unfulfilled because they aren’t aligned with their truth and sometimes get so far away they don't even want to face that part of their truth. They then coast though, knowing that they aren’t living at their full potential but too scared to go down what can be a lonely road.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Derek here.. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Derek at https://www.thenewbornblueprint.com/

Aligning Psychological Safety, Burnout and Resilience

Psychological Safety is something that Dr Thackeray has long been fascinated by. He is particularly interested in how it aligns with Burnout and Resilience so in this podcast he discusses:

• What psychological safety is

• What it’s all about

• What it has to offer us

• Some of the different theoretical ideas around psychological safety

Dr Thackeray feels that in order to build a psychologically safe culture we probably need to have psychologically safe people. But which comes first? This is where the challenge of resilience links together. The idea of resilience is that after making a mistake or error, resilient people are able to bounce back or forwards, to weather the storm, build capacity for change and understand themselves well enough to know where their own resilience may be compromised. They are able to make a mistake and come back from it.

Psychological Safety works on the idea that you can state the mistake so you don't actually make it or if you do, you can disclose it. So if you aren’t resilient are you able to be resilient in a non-psychologically safe culture? If you are resilient part of the way a making a psychologically safe culture is having the skills of resilience. The term burnout is used to describe a situation where people become exhausted and lose their capacity to care and to cope.  If you’re psychologically safe or talking about the correlation between overwork, a lack of care and burnout this may be an organisational indicator.

This is an increasingly important part of leadership and management. Dr Thackeray feels that part of the challenge is that leaders and managers have lost the subtlety to build a culture that is adult, robust and resilient, where people can still be accountable and responsible for the management of their own feelings. That in creating a psychologically safe culture, there is a risk of disempowering a manager to do what needs to be done.

In a psychologically safe culture leaders should be able to take feedback but Dr Thackeray feels that everybody needs to be able to take feedback. If anyone’s performance has gone off track there needs to be the type of culture where what needs to be said can be said. He thinks that having an adult culture is at the heart of psychological safety.  Having the ability to say I can be accountable, I cannot feel safe from time to time but also that sometimes I have to recognise my part in that process.

The question is how much baggage does a person bring into a psychologically safe environment? When we think about auditing people we need to have a baseline understanding of the level of anxiety that exists for people and also their level of independent safety. If you feel unsafe or feel anxious in your day to day life, your baseline of anxiety is going to be higher than other people so, when it comes to working in teams, having identity, purpose, fun and the ability to bounce ideas around, you are naturally going to be more anxious.

Does a leader therefore create a psychologically safe culture at the level of the most anxious person given that the most anxious person does not always divulge their anxiety? How do you create good practice? As well as great feedback that goes both ways, there needs to be a sense of camaraderie, of purpose and of meaning in the role that you’re doing. You have to have meetings where you say what needs to be said and you’re not shut down for putting forward an idea.

People can ask a very innocent question and someone can take offence or see a threat where there is none. There is a need to build intentionality in the culture, where people state that their intention is to build something but there may be times we it goes wrong but that shouldn’t mean we stop trying even if it isn’t always perfect. Dr Thackeray feels we have to test the culture and test the individual attitudes to anxiety before we start. We also need to have a sense of direction, a sense of meaning in the job and be able to speak out and share ideas without being laughed at.

When Dr Thackeray looks at the confluence of psychological safety, resilience and burnout, one of the key areas he considers is meeting’s. Often in meetings the happiest person is the one running it. People are there but they don't know why. It’s not relevant, it’s inefficient because it’s not the right medium. Meetings are where we can start to spot the issues. If people aren’t saying this meetings not for me, this meeting’s too long, do I need to be at that meeting they need to be more robust about the idea of return on investment and what they produce and where they invest their time. An adult culture allows anxious people to see the value in the time they are spending and making choices in where to spend that time.  So when a leader or manager asks where is the value of your contribution over the last week, that person can say this is the value of what I’ve achieved and this is where my value has diminished because of these effects.

There are always going to be meetings that need to be attended but there are numerous casual or careless meetings where people have just got into a routine. Meetings are where most people come together so if you cant challenge the team and speak out then there is an argument that you don't have psychological safety. If you don't have the confidence to talk to your manager directly, then that may be more of an issue between you and your manager. It might be down to your level of anxiety or their ability to lead you well. On a one-to-one level there is an equal responsibility to look at those things in both ways.

The question is how do we take leaders and managers to produce leadership, management and process that allows culture to be what we need it to be? 

You can listen to the podcast in full here.Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

The power of mindset. Dealing with Polymyositis.

Clarke Boozer has been living with a rare muscle disease for over twenty years. At it’s worst, he was in a wheelchair and told he might not reach his next birthday whilst at its best he’s ridden a hundred miles on his bike! He still has good days and bad days and each day when he wakes up, he doesn't know which it’ll be.

Before 2000 Clarke was very active, participating in, and organising sports. Then in 2001 he felt the first signs of the muscle disease. He was in the gym and felt a pain in his shoulder and after that things progressed very quickly. It became difficult to walk, he lost strength and was losing his breath very quickly when he tried to exercise.

He had no idea what was going on. His doctor told him he had tendonitis and bursitis. In the back of his mind Clarke knew that wasn't it. He was working as a family intervention specialist at a public school and one day he fell over and knocked himself out. He went back to the doctor but there was still no clue as to what the problem was. Over the next couple of months things got worse until he had to use a wheelchair.

He went back to see a specialist and at this point he asked if he would ever walk again. The doctor’s response was that walking was the least of his worries. The muscle disease was also affecting his internal organs and unless they worked out exactly what the problem was, he might not make it to his next birthday

Clarke’s initial response was anger. He couldn’t take in what they were telling him. He remembers being driven home and crying because he thought he was about to die. Because it had happened so suddenly he wasn’t prepared for it. At the time his children were 10 and 4, he had a good job and things had been going well. Now, he didn’t know how he was going to support his family.

He was eventually diagnosed with Polymyositis, an inflammation of the major muscles. There was no clue as to what had caused it but it can be related to autoimmune disease. His doctor prescribed high levels of drugs and after a few days the pain went away but he was still so weak he couldn't do anything. Simple things like buttoning a shirt, putting his shoes on and feeding himself were impossible.  

He felt at rock bottom. He was depressed, angry, mad at the world but also helpless. Because the disease had progressed so quickly it was difficult to understand what was happening.  Usually with muscle wasting diseases there is a gradual decline but Clarke was losing lbs each day and as his body was declining, his mind was driving him downward as well.

At the time Clarke didn't really understand how much mindset can affect physical health but an experience he had when he thought he was going to die started to change things around for him. He worked with a therapist on trying to improve his physical health and he went from thinking that his life was over if he couldn't participate in sports or play with his children. One day her just looked at his kids and his mother and realised he had something to live for. This change in mindset led to change in physiology. He started to find things he could do sitting in his wheelchair, initially just trying to lift his arm and then trying to build back strength into his legs. He still had ups and downs but he weighed the positives and negatives and found that talking to other people about his story gave him hope and helped in his recovery.

Clarke feels that mindset is the key and that we can do anything we want if we focus on what we say to ourselves and what we believe. He also thinks having a strong faith helps He has found African Spirituality, meditation and spending time in nature helps him reach his inner self and connect.  His aim now is to get out and help more people going through the same sort of issues he has. He has just completed Instinctive Mediation Teacher Training which he hopes he’ll be able to use and although he is limited as to the type of exercise he can do, he is hopeful that he might be able to undertake the 100 mile Portland Century bicycle ride again as well as continue with his Tai Chi, Qigong, recording music and DJ sets.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Clarke here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Clarke at http:/youtube.com/user/clarkecboo

Life as our label. Dealing with grief.

Nicki Pike has been a mortgage broker in Alberta, Canada for over 15 years, She loves her job and being her own boss but over the last few years she has gone through several traumatic events that have had a huge impact on her life. She had fertility problems and difficulties conceiving a child, went through a divorce, suffered the loss of her mother after watching her battle with dementia and the,n a few months later, lost her brother suddenly when he had a fall and developed a haematoma.

Grief is different for different people but Nicki was surprised and scared by what she felt.  She had lost her grandparents when she was growing up so had experienced grief but it was nothing like what she was now feeling. Her mother had been her main help and support and they had been very close, so she found it very hard to watch her change every day before her eyes. Although she had anticipated her death. when it happened it was very sudden and unexpected. Nicki’s brother had struggled with the dementia diagnosis and already had addiction, alcoholism, anxiety and depression issues himself. When Nicki was told he had passed away, she thought he had committed suicide which actually gave her a sense of peace but then she found out he had died of a hematoma caused by falling and hitting his head.

Nicki felt very angry. Her mother and brother had both been relatively young and she felt robbed. Her brother had been clean and sober for two years so when he died so all the anger and feelings she had about her mother’s death also came back. She was in a very dark place. Her grief didn’t feel logical and rational. It was so raw and emotional that it surprised her. She could talk about what she was feeling but the raw emotion she felt scared her. The level of grief she felt knocked her over. She just did what she needed to do for her daughter but could do nothing more. She had never felt so emotional and describes the feeling as an impact zone - waves of grief that were so strong and close together she was left feeling as if she couldn't breathe and was drowning. Although the waves didn’t get smaller, gradually they became further apart so she felt she had time to breathe.

There is a lot of information about grief but lots of it is irrelevant. Nicki feels that we don’t talk about grief and loss and what we go through in the early days enough. We need to have an idea of hope and a path towards it but we don't need to have someone telling us it'll all be great. Logically, we know we’ll come out the other side of our grief and that we’ll get back to what will be a new normality without the person we’ve lost. Lots of people offer support at the point of someone’s death but then after the funeral it disappears. There is often so much going on at that point that the loss doesn’t really hit us. We need support later on, through anniversaries and things that remind us of the person we’ve lost. We need our friends to be there when everyone goes back home to normal life and our life has changed forever.

Nicki was a quiet child but when she when found voice she started to use it. A high school friend who she reconnected with after brother’s death told her she had always thought of Nicki as being strong and this started Nicki on thinking about the different labels she’d had through her life.  During her marriage her labels had been a lot more negative – demanding, emotional, crazy and high maintenance, and she had believed them because she’d heard them so often. Later on as she started getting different labels - grieving daughter, grieving sister, single mother, divorced woman, she realised that living under labels was not a good place to be. When you lose people, you often get reminded of how strong you are, that you’re still here and can still get to live your life. Nicki thinks that in the early stages of grief that's not what you want to hear. She didn't feel strong, she didn't want to be a survivor because in the early days all she could think about was that her mother and brother were gone. We can use these words and labels but need to consider if the person at the receiving end is in the right place to hear them - are we helping or hurting?

Some people may say we’re strong because that is what suits them and their narrative of you. It then allows them to deal with you in a certain way. But dealing with grief is about what we need, not what they need. Some people just don't know what to say.  They have a fear of experiencing it themselves, of not saying enough or too much, or of triggering an unwanted response.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Nicki here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Nicki through Instagram or Facebook

Why perseverance and resilience matter

Jeff Martinovich is based in Norfolk, Virginia and is in the process of rebuilding the lives of his stakeholders, his family, and himself after ten years of challenge! Originally Jeff attended the Air Force Academy in Colorado and served in the First Gulf War at Tactical Air Command Headquarters, Langley, Virginia as part of the F-117 Stealth Fighter programme. On leaving the Air Force, he obtained an MBA in Finance from The College of William and Mary, which led into the roller coaster world of finance for the next two decades.

As a rookie stockbroker, he started at the bottom without any clients, but he considers himself lucky to have worked with some really good people and over the next twenty years built a billion dollar advisory business. By the time of the 2008 financial crisis, they had around a hundred people working for them and clients across the US and abroad. Jeff feels that 99% of the people in the industry really do a good job. At the time, there were a number of changes going on in the financial sector so they found themselves being able to ‘sit on same side of the table’ as their clients. He feels that by aligning the self-interests of people so much can be can accomplished. Through good financial planning, they provided loans, wills, trusts, and insurance to help people achieve their goals. Of course there are some bad apples in the business the same as in any sector, but on the whole Jeff feels the large majority of people work to benefit their clients.

When the 2008 recession hit everything fell apart and they found themselves in the middle of a perfect storm. The firm had grown to be too big not to be on the radar but not big enough to be able to write a $17 billion cheque to the regulators. The Government were giving huge amounts to the major Wall Street firms and then fining them millions back, but as well as this they shut down a large number of ‘second tier’ companies and Jeff’s was one of these.  It was a frenzied situation and the company experienced regulatory scrutiny and allegations about some of the company’s proprietary hedge funds but the company couldn’t see that they or their employees had done anything wrong.  

Jeff had to make a decision. People have moments in their life that are defining, where they have to make a decision and take a stand. Jeff turned down three separate plea offers from the Government and decided to go to trial to defend the company and employees. Five weeks later he was found guilty of not ‘commanding the ship properly’ and sentenced to twelve years in federal prison. Jeff lost the company he had spent thirty years building, but there were a large number of shareholders, stakeholders and employees who were affected. The story hit front page of the newspapers and overnight Jeff went from being a stalwart of the community to pariah.

He had many dark days and questioned himself. Why did I start this journey? What are my core defining values, character and integrity? Jeff feels you have to recentre yourself, to dig deep to find the strength you maybe didn’t even know you had and also that his background in sport, the military and working with start-up businesses, helped prepare him for the difficulties and be strong enough reach into his resilience and perseverance to get through the challenge He was sent to a high security federal prison with 4000 inmates. and feels that his military background helped because he was able to dig deep into his early training. Nobody cares about whether you’ve been a successful businessman and you just have to get through on a day-by-day basis. To try to avoid falling into despair and depression, Jeff committed that each day he would be stronger physically intellectually and emotionally. Took advantage of the break to reassess, to get stronger, smarter and more capable and control of any emotional deviation.

Jeff had to start again at zero. He took a job in the law library and taught himself federal criminal law and by helping 300 other inmates with their cases, he learnt more about his own case.  He started to drive his own defense by learning enough to appeal his case and after three years the decision was reversed. He was preparing to go home and start rebuilding his life when he was given a second indictment primarily to stop him making progress on the original case. At the same time his sentence was increased to 14 years. He went back to prison and started over again. Two years later the case was reversed again with two federal judges being removed from the case. Last May he was finally released after seven years in prison and he’s been working ever since to rebuild and restore helped by his wife, family and friends who have all stood by him.

Jeff feels the keys have been perseverance and resilience. When he looks back the things that happened gave him a path to follow and a way to keep fighting – to take personal responsibility, get up and keep going because challenges help us build so  that we can handle bigger and bigger challenges.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Jeff here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

Jeff’s book is Just One More: The Wisdom of Bob Vukovich. Learn more at jeffmartinovich.com

Healing from wounds. The Art of Scars.

Kathy Hagler has been an organisational consultant for almost 40 years but prior to that was a pianist, a mathematics teacher and a college dean. It was while she was working as a college dean that she first met one of her mentors, Dr Edwards Demings. When he discovered her background in music and mathematics, he offered her the opportunity to work with him and she travelled with him extensively across the US as his ‘Girl Friday’ for over twelve months. At the same time, she was doing a Phd at Claremont College where she met her other mentor Dr Peter Drucker who was her major advisor and he also went on to become a personal friend. Kathy has taken the thinking of these two pioneers of management forward through her practice K2OH Solutions where she focuses on culture and climate and the reciprocation between them using her Organisations of Character Model which embodies her belief that culture drives every aspect of development, learning, execution, and reflection.

In her childhood Kathy suffered from a number of illnesses. Later on, her twenty-year old son was killed in car accident and her husband died shortly afterwards.  Kathy herself was then diagnosed with cancer so over the years she has developed a number of scars. She feels though that she can relate to the physical, emotional and spiritual scars she had. She then realised that organisations are similar in that they too have wounds and, like people, they can break and can heal. Kathy uses the Japanese art of Kinstugi or "gold joinery” as a metaphor for healing scars with both people and organisations. An ancient Japanese art, Kinstugi repairs a broken object by emphasising its scars with gold powder which creates a unique version of the original object. Kathy’s vision is to introduce the idea to people and organisations that you can break but you can heal and that if we put ourselves back together with gold, we are stronger and more distinctive.

Kathy’s work with organisations has shown that fear is often present. Her process is to show organsiations how to turn fear and brokenness into healing and then understand that they have healed from their wounds. Fear sits in the subconscious but this is the culture of the organisation so we can find out where the fear is coming from.  The fear can be removed and raised up into the conciousness so they can innovate and be better than before.

Kathy understands that people and organisations are imperfect and emphasises the importance of being upfront and honest about our flaws and mistakes. She helps organisations heal these “wounds” as she transforms organisations to one of character, trustworthiness, and resilience.

 You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Kathy here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Kathy here.

Cycle of Lives – Emotional connections with cancer

David Richman is an author, public speaker, philanthropist, and endurance athlete whose mission is to form more meaningful human connections through storytelling. He competes in Ironman triathlons and a wide range of endurance athletic events and has recently completed a solo 4,700-mile bike ride in 41 days. This was to connect with the people who contributed to his book Cycle of Lives, which shares the interconnected stories of people overcoming trauma and delves deeply into their emotional journeys with cancer.

David’s career working for a Wall Street firm was incredibly stressful. During the financial crisis he was managing up and down and things got very tough. He suffered from both external and self-inflicted stress – was overweight and a smoker, did no exercise and had four-year old twins, as well being in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. He needed to make a change but it wasn’t until his only sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer that he started to change his life around.

He says it was like a light switch going on. His whole life he had been trying to be an overachiever for other people – a good kid, a good student, keeping his boss happy, impressing his employees. Whatever it was doing he was looking for external gratification. Eventually he understood the concept of having to do things for yourself and when he realised this, he took control of his life.

David combined the thought that his best days were ahead with forgiving himself for his past mistakes. He stopped smoking, lost weight and become physically active. He stopped worrying about what other people thought about him and his work and instead concentrated on what he thought about himself and his work. He feels it's very freeing to accept the idea that nobody is watching you and nobody cares about what you do. Everybody has their own problems and own life to deal with. We believe other people are judging us but really they’re not.   When David started doing endurance athletic events he soon realised that no one was taking any notice of what he was doing, what training he was undertaking and where and when he completed an event - he was just doing it solely for himself.

David grew up not wanting to upset his mother and he realises now that is where not doing things for himself or learning self-sufficiency or forgiveness started. Everyone has difficulties so it’s important not to compare yourself to other people. Your life is your life and some people are going though unbelievably traumatic experiences. He talked with his sister through her end of life journey and then went on to do an endurance event to raise money for the cancer centre that had cared for her. Through the contacts he made he realised that many people have great difficulty communicating the emotional side of trauma and cancer.

He decided to write a book that could help people deal with the emotional side of cancer such as how trauma affects the cancer or how we can better relate to someone going through cancer. He found a number of people with a wide range of emotional responses to cancer - doctors, nurses, patients and relatives - and talked to them about their stories. When the book was finished, he wanted to connect with the people he had worked with so organised his bike trip to meet them all. All the profits from book go to charity. Each of the participants came up with a charity they had an affinity to and the proceeds of sales will go to those charities.

As well as raise money, David’s aim is to start the conversation. He feels we all need to try to live our best life but do it because its what we want to do. What matters is the state of happiness that we choose to surround ourselves with and the emotional connections we make with people in life!

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about David here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs also available.

You can find out more about David here.

Never good enough – recovery from an eating disorder.

Faith Elicia has been on a seven-year path of recovery from an eating disorder. Though it there have been many highs and lows, but most importantly, there have been opportunities for growth and change. Her new book, Do You See What I See? Is based on her experiences and follows her journey of recovery from her eating disorder.

Although not a professional in the eating disorder field, Faith has worked closely with psychologists and dieticians during her own recovery. She feels that anyone suffering from an eating disorder has a distorted body image of themselves and also uses maladaptive coping mechanisms to focus on food or their bodies rather than their feelings. It can appear as if they are functioning but their feelings are numbed because their focus is on binging, purging or restriction.

Faith feels that eating disorders are not really talked about as much as other addictive behaviour although there are some very sobering statistics with 9 percent of the U.S. population having an eating disorder in their lifetime. Eating disorders cross gender, race, sexual orientation, and socioeconomic groups and are among the deadliest of mental illnesses. Anyone caught in the downward spiral of continually obsessing about food, weight, and body image, needs support to free themselves from this dangerous illness. 

The most well known eating disorders are Anorexia, Bulimia and BES (Binge Eating Disorder) but there are a number of others. They can start for many different reasons but a common factor is some type of trauma. This could be emotional, physical or sexual but there is usually an internal belief that the person is not good enough. This belief can then morph into an eating disorder and this can sometimes occur in conjunction with another disorder such as anxiety

Faith’s Father was an alcoholic and although he sought recovery in later life in her childhood her was drinking and she was always in fight of flight mode from a young age. This led to deep routed emotional suffering which was hard to clear away. She depended on her mother emotionally and didn't believe she could do things on her own so no matter how in control she seemed externally, she felt completely different inside.

There are some professions, particularly those with a high media profile such as acting, where there is huge pressure on body image.  In America the ideal is to be very thin and there are constant messages to children that this is the norm. The obesity rate is very high in America and 7 or 8 year olds are talking about dieting to obtain the ‘perfect’ airbrushed images put forward as the ideal. It’s therefore important to use the right language, for instance that exercise is for the right reasons not for maladaptive reasons. It’s also important to be aware of what sites young people are looking at – sites that promote eating disorders and set a pattern that is very difficult to get over.

There are some noticeable signs that someone is suffering from an eating disorder.  Talking about their body a lot, skipping meals, picking around food, disappearing after meals and starting to exercise a lot are some of the more noticeable ones. But sufferers can be very good at hiding their problem and not letting other people know what’s going on.

Faith feels that the smallest things can be the biggest milestone, that small actions add up and can change thinking. It’s hard to believe you’re deserving when deep down you don’t believe it but practicing self care and gratitude has helped Faith change how she looks at herself and now knows that she ‘deserves it as much as anyone else’.

People not suffering from an eating disorder believe that saying “No!” to self-destructive behaviors should be easy but it’s not. It can be a daily struggle with no single solution. Instead it’s a journey of stops and starts but through learning various strategies it is possible to break its hold. 

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Faith here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more about Faith at faithelicia.com

High sensitivity. A gift or challenge?

William or Bill Allen is based in Florida. About 10 years ago he took early retirement from his IT managerial role at a large financial institution and decided to do something completely different by starting his own company based in Oregon which specialised in hypnosis, coaching and nuerofeedback brain training. Through this he met a lot of Highly Sensitive People and started his blog, The Sensitive Man which explored the personality characteristic of high sensitivity, particularly in men.

Bill feels there are a lot of men, himself included, who struggle with the sensitive trait they have. After writing his blog for a couple of years he then used it, along with his own personal experiences, as the basis for his book Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconventional Defense of Sensitive Men. Bill thinks that sensitivity is neither a male or female trait and that for many years’ men have been subjected to an outdated idea about what masculinity entails. Culturally there have been huge changes over the last 50 years with changes to the male and female roles and there has been some confusion around this. His aim now is to help men understand that sensitivity, which was once thought of as solely a female trait, is actually a human trait.

Sensitivity can be seen to have some negative correlations for men because its thought of a ‘weak’ characteristic. Vulnerability is a thing men cannot allow themselves to be and Bill feels this has led to the increase in suicide in men because they can’t recognise this characteristic in any way. Cultural icons in films and books supersede all the emotions people have so there is a cultural expectation for men to behave in a certain way. Bill thinks that if sensitivity is seen as something negative there maybe a need to reframe the term to reach men who may feel unable to embrace their highly sensitive natures within their existing environment.

Bill follows the work of Dr Elaine Aron in defining the four specific characteristics that make up high sensitivity. Dr Aron uses DOES as a way of summarising high sensitivity. D = depth of processing, O = overstimulation, E = emotional responsivity/empathy and S = sensitivity to subtleties.

High sensitivity can be seen as a gift or challenge. Bill feels it’s about going against the cultural norm by either suppressing or embracing the gift in the way we interact with our environment. Some HSP’s have difficulty dealing with criticism and overreact and this can lead to overthinking and becoming super-cautious.  Bill feels there are challenges that need to be managed and that training may be needed to manage overwhelm and the way HSP’s react to things that may seem trivial to other people. Maybe there is a need to be more mindful to manage the challenges and embrace the gift part of it.

The motivation for writing his book came from the fact that he had some HSP boys as clients and he thought a book would provide a way of sharing his knowledge and experiences with younger men and boys. The book covers topics that interested him as well as his personal experiences. Growing up in the Southern United States as a highly sensitive man, there were huge contrasts between his sensitivity and the ideas of the time on masculinity. Moving forward though he feels the rigid definition of masculinity is changing through the Millennial and Gen X generations having a far more ‘open door’ attitude to the idea of high sensitivity and allowing themselves to embrace it.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Bill here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Find out more about Bill at his website The sensitiveman.com His book Confessions of a Sensitive Man is available here.

Understanding what’s important … and what’s not. Love after 50

Francine Russo is a widely recognised journalist who covered the Boomer beat for Time for over a decade as well as writing for Scientific American, The Atlantic, and other major publications. 

Over the last two decades the number of divorces in the over 50-age group has rocketed and there are a lot of people looking for new partners. Francine herself was widowed twice before she found her current partner and was asked by many people for advice on meeting people and building new relationships. She realised that over the years she learned a lot about herself, about dating and about resilience as well as the more practical tools such as online dating so Francine her latest book Love After 50: How to find it, enjoy it and keep it, is designed to be both practical and psychologically helpful.

Studies have shown that love after 50 is more satisfying than at any other stage in life. Francine feels that people are more emotionally stable, more focused on the present and know not only what they have to have, but also what they can live without. Partnering is no longer about building a family, career and fortune. It’s about sharing intimacy as grounded individuals. And sex isn’t a pass or fail anymore, but about becoming erotic friends.

Dating brings the opportunity to reconnect with people but before reconnecting with the active world and meeting new people, it’s essential to get over previous relationships. If people start dating when they’re bitter, angry or lack confidence it will never work. People need to be OK with themselves – to be comfortable with themselves and their life as a single person before they can start to build new relationships.

Using social media and online dating sites can be a good way to ‘try’ a relationship, and ‘catch and release’ so, if after a couple of months things aren’t working, it’s time to move on. Some people can tap into any neediness they perceive so it’s important to be sensible when judging potential partners and to remember that there may be feelings of rejection in some instances.

Francine feels that time negates relationships and that when we’re older there is a different structure to a relationship. The rest of life element can be more bittersweet. There may be more day-to-day time to share but the years together are limited so people often feel grateful for the time together and just let small annoyances go. 

Because they aren’t raising children or building a career, people tend to come together for love, companionship and mutual support. Some people choose to marry, others live together or live apart. Some see their children and friends together and build a joint social life whilst others keep their lives separate and simply spend the time they want to together. There can be some problems if children are unhappy or unsure about a parent building a new relationship so it’s better to start with limited expectations about blending families. It’s not essential to work as a unit, just decide what to do together and what to do apart and to understand what’s important and what’s not

 You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Francine here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Francine’s book Love after 50 is available here.

Choose your struggle. Conversations about mental health, substance abuse and addiction.

Choose your struggle. Substance abuse, addiction and recovery.

Jay Shifman’s mission is to encourage difficult conversations and honest education around the issues of mental health, substance misuse, and addiction. A storyteller, speaker, podcaster, and event host, Jay entered recovery himself in 2010 after struggling with mental health and substance abuse problems for half a decade  following a misdiagnosis in his teens which left him addicted to prescription pills. Jay is now in long-term recovery and, through his company, Choose Your Struggle, works towards his two distinct goals, to end stigma and ensure that those who struggle receive the help they deserve.  

Jay feels that there are a huge number of people trying to deal with substance misuse and addiction but that they don’t talk about it because of the stigma that's attached to it. Talking about it and encouraging fact based education is the way to break down the stigma

Jay decided to get himself off prescription drugs. He spoke with his doctor who advised him to stay on the medication but Jay wanted to know what it was like living without the drugs in his life. He had already attempted suicide so he thought that things couldn't get any worse. It was a case of lets see what happens.

If Jay had been addicted to something like heroin he could have accessed a lot of help but there is not so much assistance for coming off prescription pills You have to trust yourself. Jay stayed with his grandmother who was very supportive whilst he undertook a four-month Step Down Detox Programme which reduced the amount drugs he took each day. It was very hard and very scary. Jay worked with a therapist who helped him get off safely because it needed to be done in a managed way. The failure rate for people who simply go ‘cold turkey’ is very high.

Making the decision to get off the drugs is just the beginning of the journey. The journey itself tests both mental health and resilience. Jay feels it took five years before his physical and mental health returned.  This can be a problem when going into rehab. If you haven’t treated the underlying issues then they will resurface as soon as you go back to your ‘normal’ life. Jay thinks that it’s a two stage process – the first part is to get off the drugs so you can start to feel what it’s like to be yourself again and the second part is focusing on yourself so you can understand why were you struggling, what were the underlying issues you had and what you need to do to take care of yourself.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Jay here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

For more information about Jay and his work , visit: www.jayshifman.com or find him on your favourite social media platform.

Jay’s podcast is Choose your struggle

Don't waste the good moments. Covid and beyond.

Radha Ruparell is a global cross-sector leader with expertise in leadership development and personal transformation. She has worked with CEOs, Fortune 500 senior executives, social entrepreneurs, and grassroots leaders around the world and heads the Collective Leadership Accelerator at Teach For All, a global network of independent organisations in 60 countries committed to developing leadership in classrooms and communities to ensure all children fulfill their potential.

The last year has been a difficult, traumatic one for Radha. She fell ill with Covid at the height of the pandemic and had to use all her leadership experience to navigate through the uncertainty and change it brought. It was April 2020 in New York and the first Covid wave was raging through the city.  Radha was on a conference call and started feeling breathless. Two days later she realised she had Covid. She was bedridden and because many of the hospitals were overrun and lacked PPE, she was told to stay at home. She did however end up in hospital and a year on she is still dealing with the symptoms that haven’t disappeared. These include mental and physical fatigue. Before Covid she surfed, ran and played tennis none of which she can now do. She tries to live a regular life but has to make constant adjustments.

Radha had to fall back on her reserves of mental toughness and needed to utilise all her leadership experience - how we manage ourselves, how we manage uncertainty and how we relate to one another. She needed to have  a strong support network and reach out for help. In the early days she couldn't speak without getting short of breath and was too tired to ask for help. Only a couple of people were aware she was ill and then a work colleague reached out. Radha had grown up thinking she shouldn’t share her personal troubles. She always toughed it out, but when she was ill she realised that being strong is the opposite – its about being able to share things, about what you’re feeling and your fears and vulnerabilities. It was a lifeline having a couple of consistent people in her life. She doesn’t think she would have been able to get through it otherwise.  

Radha also realised the importance of slowing down and asking what is going on within us, of taking a moment to check in with yourself so you’re not defining yourself by a situation and can rationilise it. Part of this is to understand the power of language and what we tell ourselves. The way we frame language can be destructive and we need to change it. Instead of having a bad day we have an off moment then every moment after that we have a choice.

Radha started writing her book when she was ill. Initially she wrote a two page article for her family and friends which reveled some of the things she had learned during Covid  - applying life and leadership lessons, how to be resilient , and how to slow down, discover inner strength and be vulnerable. Within two weeks 20,000 people had read it!

One of the takeaways from the book is how we deal with uncertainty. One of our biggest mistakes is that we resist uncertainty.  When she was ill Radha  had brain fog and couldn't read words on a page. She kept trying until she realised resisting was not helping – she couldn't do the things she usually did so needed to accept this was the current situation. She needed to be more creative and operate in a different way and realise that you can hold two conflicting ideas. You can accept what is happening and still be curious for what might be possible.

Sometimes it takes a catastrophic event to wake us up. These turning points can be terrifying but we all encounter them in our lives. The real question is: how will we face them? Despite our knee-jerk reaction to hang on to what’s “normal,” disruptive moments are exactly what’s needed to transform ourselves and the world around us.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Radha here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more about Radha and her book at Brave Now: Rise Through Struggle and Unlock Your Greatest Self   

From Sicily to the UK. How to overcome judgment and build confidence.

Claudia Tinnirello is an international bestselling author and the CEO and founder of web design business Sophisticated Cloud Limited. She is also a professional SquareSpace Web Designer, UX expert, former cookery chef and enthusiastic public speaker.

Originally from Sicily, Claudia has lived in England since 2005. Growing up in Sicily there was a mix of cultures but at that time it was still thought that women would get their college diplomas and then get married and start a family. Claudia didn't want to follow that route, she wanted to do something more with her life and be financially independent and her starting point was studying to get to university.  

After she finished university she started looking for a job, something that can be very difficult to find in southern Italy. A friend who was working for a call-centre in the UK told her that the company was looking for a new agent who could speak Italian, English and French. Having studied English at school, the UK was always somewhere that had interested Claudia. So, at the age of 23 she decided she would move to the UK. Her initial idea was to stay for four months but she has never left!

She was on her own when she arrived in London. She didn’t have anyone to guide her so she had to learn a lot very quickly! She didn't particularly like her job which was in a call-centre dealing with technical systems. Her training was in three languages which she found very tough. She had thought her English was good but when she arrived she couldn't understand what people were saying to her or be understood herself.  This came as a real shock and she struggled for a while but realised that the only way forward was to spend time with English people. When some people move to a new country they find it more comfortable to be with their own community but Claudia intentionally didn't mix with Italians because she wanted to integrate and learn the language properly.

Claudia feels that her resilience came from the fact that she was the first woman in her family to leave Italy on her terms. Her family didn't want her to go so Claudia feels her resilience was based on pride – although she wasn’t really happy initially she was going to stay because needed to make the point that she could do it. As time went on she became stronger and it became easier.

After being made redundant four times, the last time after ten years with the same company, Claudia had started to lack confidence and become unsure of what to do next. She spoke to a life coach who suggested she join Toastmasters International to try to and restore her confidence and control her nerves and fear of public speaking. When she was younger she feels she missed many opportunities because she was too shy and Toastmasters has helped her discover ways of becoming a better and more confident public speaker. So much so she is now President of the Toastmasters International Basingstoke Speakers Club.

Claudia feels that we can all do anything we want if we are persistent and fight for it. Even if things have been done for generations it doesn’t mean we cant do anything different. The most important thing is to not let society put a label on you.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Claudia here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more about Claudia at  www.SophisticatedCloud.com 


Changing lane. Making impactful change.

Jennifer or Jen Crowley is based in Chicago and is an author, certified life coach and leadership consultant.

In her 30’s Jen thought she had life she was meant to have. Married with a son, she also had a high profile job as Vice President and General Manager of a wine distribution company. Suffering from all the stress and anxiety that goes with juggling a high pressure role and family life she then went through what she refers to as a six year character building period. Her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, then a while later her father was badly injured in a motorcycle accident. Both are now happily retired in Florida but as the only child, Jen had to provide considerable support. Then, the president of the company was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and died very suddenly. Jen was emotionally and physically exhausted and wasn’t taking great care of herself.  Her job defined her so when the company was then sold to a large international group she decided to stick with it. There was an interesting and demanding integration period and as she went into her 40’s her life was very demanding – she was fighting for resources at work, fighting for time with her son and struggling in a marriage that was no longer working.

Finally, Jen and her husband divorced and at this point she started taking much better care of herself. She was eating well, meditating and communicating much better with the people around her. She became a coaching mentor at work and came to realise that people were comfortable around her. They would talk to her about their work, their anxieties and what was happening with their family and Jen found that trying to help people was the part of her job that she enjoyed most.

Six years after the company had been sold Jen realised that life wasn’t supposed to be so hard and took the decision to leave her twenty year wine career.  At 45 she decided that she needed to figure out what was going to happen next. She didn’t have any plans apart from taking three months off to get her head as clear as possible. Over the next three months she realised that although many people thought she should be happy because she seemed to have everything she needed, she wasn’t. She needed a different path where she could help other people. Initially she worked as a consultant to entrepreneurs but after a few months he made the decision to move into coaching.

Jen now works primarily with women looking to make impactful changes in themselves and in their lives. With a background in science, Jen’s approach to change is process driven and built around the importance of getting ready for change and then implementing it. In her coaching she deals with widespread issues, but many of her clients are in similar situations to the one she found herself in. Woman in their 40 ‘s who are realising that they are not happy, not doing things that they think are important or meaningful to them.

Jen feels the key to change is having open conversations and asking questions that dig down into what people really want. Sometimes people are so busy taking care of everyone else they simply need the time and opportunity to think and talk about themselves.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Jennifer here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more about Jennifer at  changeablecoaching.com

Raising awareness of Early Onset Alzehimer's

In  2010 Pat Moffett wrote his book ‘Ice Cream in the Cupboard’ about the true story of caring for his late wife Carmen who had early-onset Alzheimer’s. At the time Pat was still pursuing his long-term career in international logistics but after he retired in 2017 he had more time to devote to raising awareness of the illness. In 2017, by chance, he met another author on a plane and they exchanged books. Two days later Pat received a phone call from his new contact who told him that Pat’s story should be made into a movie.

There is little difference between Early Onset Alzheimer’s and Alzheimer’s, but many early onset patients still retain the physical strength associated with a younger person. This can put their caregiver in dangerous situations because Alzheimer patients can become very angry and agitated which can lead to violent behaviour. Alzheimer’s also accelerates more quickly in younger people and the medications used are generally more effective in older patients.

In Carmen’s case, Pat first noticed that they had started arguing a lot. Things had been quite busy so he decided to take her to Puerto Rico for a holiday. They checked in to their hotel and went out for dinner. Pat was looking across from the verandah of the restaurant and when he turned around Carmen hit him. She then ran out of the restaurant. When he caught up with her she was still very angry but they got a taxi and went back to the hotel. She then went straight to sleep.

Pat really didn't know what was wrong so he was really surprised when a while later she came out to the terrace where he was sitting and said she was really hungry and when were they going to eat. She couldn’t remember anything that had happened. Pat was so concerned that he got a flight home for them the next day.

When they got home things seemed to level off and go back to normal. She wouldn’t go to a doctor but after going food shopping one day Pat realised that Carmen had put the ice cream in the cupboard rather than the fridge. Pat knew he had to get her to see a doctor but the situation was taken out of his hands soon afterwards her employers realised there was a problem and suggested she get tested. She failed the test and came home that evening and told Pat that she had a ‘touch of Alzheimer’s’.

Pat highlights how importance it is for carers to take care of themselves otherwise the disease claims two victims. Some friends and family aren't so supportive when they find out someone they know has Alzheimer’s so often it comes down to hired caregivers.  Pat found a lady who he had experience dealing with Alzheimer’s patients and he thought he could go back to work but within 5 days Carmen had punched the caregiver and run away from her. Other helpers followed but the same problem occurred. Pat felt it was better to try and keep his job so the next step was to try daycare. He found a centre close to their home. It was very expensive but it worked well for a couple of weeks but he was then called from work as Carmen had punched a 90-year-fellow patient.

Luckily a legal case was not pursued but Carmen wasn’t allowed to go back to the daycare centre. It was then suggested that she be hospitalised so she could be tested to find out if it might be possible to use anti psychotic drugs to calm her down. She was monitored 24 hours a day and after being in hospital for three weeks Pat was told there were only three drugs that might help her and that there use might be limited. The drugs were so strong that they needed to be monitored constantly so the recommnedation was that she to go straight into 24/7 care. Whist in full time nursing care Carmen still had violent episodes but eventually, after nine years, her body started to fail and she died. Pat felt guilty because in many ways he had wanted it to come to an end because Carmen wasn’t the person he knew anymore.

Early on in the process of looking after Carmen, Pat realised he would need support from people who would understand what he was dealing with. He found a local support group but everyone was much older than him and didn't understand Carmen’s violent behaviour. He realised there was nothing for the carers of Early Onset Alzheimer’s patients so he started a new group with a social worker with regular meet ups for dinner whilst professional carers looked after their loved ones

It is thought that you can defer the onset of some Alzheimer’s though diet, stress reduction etc. There is a genetic risk though. Pats wife Carmen, her brother and two sisters were all were diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in their 50’s and died in their 60s. When he tried to track back, Pat found out that Carmen’s father who had been an alcoholic, had also suffered from bouts of forgetful behaviour which at the time was put down to his alcoholism.

The motivation for Pat’s book came from the fact that he simply hadn’t realised that Alzheimer’s could affect people at such a young age. Consequently, many of the caregivers are very young themselves so they became the drive and inspiration to get the story out both nationally and internationally.

 You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Pat here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more about Pat and Ice Cream in the Cupboard at pat.moffett.com

Escaping the box. Breaking free from anxiety.

years and built her career despite suffering from anxiety, panic attacks and OCD for 40 years. Over the last few years through she has done a lot of work to try to find freedom from the disorders that have disabled many areas of her life.

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, anxiety-related disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting more than 40 million adults aged 18 and older. Anxiety disorders also affect more than 25 percent of teenagers ages 13 to 18.

Wendy considers anxiety as being the feeling of being in a constant fight of flight mode. She grew up in chaotic household with untreated, generational mental health issues. She took on ideas and thoughts about her safety, the safety of other people and the safety of the world - things a child is not equipped to deal with. From the age of six she suffered from panic attacks and the feeling that she needed to control her surroundings to try to calm down her anxiety.

By achieving things externally Wendy felt it would cure her from what was going on internally but she reached rock bottom with her mental health issues when she had had achieved all the things she thought she needed. Although she had a house, a husband and a career she loved, inside the box she was still struggling.

Wendy now realises that she tried to mask her anxiety by adopting perfectionism and people pleasing traits.  Her role as an attorney involved a huge amount of work and it’s something she was, and is, proud of. It provides a sense of achievement and makes her feel that she is helping people but now she thinks it was also another way of trying to make her parents proud of her and to make her feel better about herself.

Finally though Wendy realised that no physical sensation comes without a thought preceeding it. That you need to cultivate awareness and recognise where your anxiety is being stimulated and what thoughts are behind it. The roadmap to change is to find the thoughts behind it, understand that these thoughts are optional and then choose new ones that serve you better. Thoughts create an emotion or feeling which stimulates an action that creates the result that you live with. You’re reacting based on an emotion.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Wendy here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more about Wendy at www.WendyTamisRobbins.com Wendy is also the author of The Box: An Invitation to Freedom from Anxiety,

Breaking the code. Life how you want it to be.

Rusty Gaillard is a transformational coach who works with people who are ready to make a change. Whether it's a career dead end, being bored or unhappy in their chosen path or working too hard, Rusty works with his clients to transform their lives and find work they love.make a change.

Before he was a coach, Rusty spent 13 years at Apple. He was Worldwide Director of Finance when he realised that it wasn’t what he wanted to do for the rest of his working life. He had no aspiration to continue climbing the corporate ladder, didn't want to work for another tech company or foe a consultancy. He felt stuck and that the situation was hopeless. He wanted to do something new and different but didn’t know what it was.

It was a challenging place to be. From the outside things looked really good and in many lots it was but there was something missing. In such a big company is it really possible to make a difference? When you put all your energy into work what will you have to show for it? What is the purpose of what I’m doing? You don’t find it meaningful but how do you find a different path?

Rusty did everything he was meant to do. He checked all the boxes and became defined by his job but his heart wasn’t in it. He didn’t feel he had got what he was meant to have got. He became less passionate about his job and less motivated.  He did what he needed to do and became responsive rather than proactive and didn’t have the drive to move things forward. So what was the first step he took to change his life around?

Rusty thinks that we all work towards a code, a pattern or belief system that we follow in life which can be very difficult to change. In Rusty’s case his code was to work for a big corporation, be a good employee with a stable job, and to be in a successful marriage with children. He needed to break this code before he could change his career path. It was during this time that Rusty got divorced and this external change was how he broke the code he was working towards. The divorce affected his self-confidence and self-image but coming through it broke the pattern and belief system and gave him the ability and confidence to move forward.

Without a big issue like divorce it is still possible to break the code. We need to find something we really want to do, something that we’re willing to stretch to get it. We need to acknowledge the way we think about the world. Our code is how we see ourselves and we need to deliberately step outside the code to get what we would really like in life - what is meaningful or what life we want to create for ourselves. If we create a picture beyond our current code it becomes the motivation and the key to break the code.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Rusty here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more about Rusty and his work here. His book is Breaking the Code: Stop Looking for Answers and Start Enjoying Life

New solutions for Pain Management

Georgie Oldfield is a physiotherapist who also runs a training organisation where she trains health professionals and coaches to integrate a mind body approach to pain management.

Georgie was working as a physiotheapist for the NHS in a community-based role. She was working with patients who were suffering from such high levels of pain that they actually unable to get to a clinic. There were not a lot of options available to help these patients and Georgie gradually became interested in alternative ways of managing pain. The results she was getting led her to leave the NHS in 2005 and set up her own clinic.

Shortly afterwards she woke up one morning with sciatica. She had absolutely no idea what had caused it but having just left the security of her NHS role, setting up a new business meant she was dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety. At the time she didn't think this was relevant until she went to see someone who actually asked her what was going on in her life. It was then she realised that she was holding the stress in her body and this was how it was manifesting itself.

So is pain a manifestation of a physiological or emotional problem, a physical one or both? Pain is a protect response, and body pain is perceived by the brain and felt in body. There is no evidence to link the severity of pain we feel with the amount of tissue damage we have so it’s possible to have severe pain but no tissue damage. If the body heals and the pain persists after body has healed you have to ask why. If it’s not anything to do with the extent of the injury, it can be about whether we are anxious, depressed, have negative beliefs about pain or a past trauma.

There are a number of factors that surround how we perceive pain. There are also a lot of different triggers or causes of pain. Anxiety, depression, anticipation or fear of pain can all affect whether we feel severe or less severe pain. Our attitude to pain can also affect the degree of how we feel pain as does our personality and behaviour. It’s not just current stress that can produce pain. Things from earlier on in our lives can affect us too, such as adverse childhood experiences which are also more likely to impact on ill health later in life.

Living with chronic pain often means you become focused on the pain, which then fuels the pain itself. Understanding persistent pain is an empowering experience as sufferers realise pain is within their control.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Georgie here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more about Georgie and her work at https://www.georgieoldfield.com/ Her book is Chronic Pain : Your key to Recovery

Moving on from gambling addiction. The importance of love and support.

Patrick Chester started gambling in his late 20s. It was something he grew up with and it was portrayed as something that was commonplace. Initially it was a fun activity, something he did with his with friends. He was in his early 30’s when he got married to Erica in 2006 and it was after this that his gambling led him to start making bad choices, hide things from Erica and lie to cover up his gambling.

Over the first nine years of their marriage there was a slow progression of the lies and deception. Patrick was working for himself as a contractor and he started using the money he made and also borrowed more money to feed his gambling habit. In 2015 Erica’s family found out what was going on and got involved by arranging an intervention with a moderator. Patrick then went into treatment for a month and shortly afterwards had to go to jail for some crimes he had committed to feed his addiction.

Erica feels she has learned a lot the last six years. She had no idea gambling was an addiction and was not willing to give up when she learned how sick Patrick was and how he wanted to get better. She couldn't throw the towel in knowing it was addiction that was causing him to be sick and not reckless behaviour.

Often it is not just the addict who carries guilt or shame. It is only recently that Erica learnt to let go of a lot of this – should she have asked more questions, investigated more or not believed his stories. When they first met they had a lot of things in common - sports and the outdoors and she had no reason not to trust him. When she found out about the gambling she felt duped and angry but when she looked back she realised there were some missed red flags – some times her debit card didn’t work but Patrick would always have a reason for it and she believed him. The problem would be fixed but should she have demanded proof or better answers?

Patrick never came clean with Erica, rather he sent an email to another family member. Erica had a call from her Dad saying he needed to see her urgently because he had found out that Patrick had a really bad gambling addiction, they weren’t sure how bad it was but they were leaving now and meeting an interventionist. Erica had no control over anything as everything she knew came from a third party.

Her family put an intervention in place in 24 hours and the family met with the interventionist the day prior to the intervention. Erica doesn’t remember very much about it. She was in complete shock and very emotional. The interventionist explained about addictions, what it does to the body and brain and what would happen the next day. They all had to write a letter to Patrick saying that if you don't choose this lifeline, there is no place for you. It was a massive ultimatum. When he arrived Patrick realised what was going to happen. Once he got over his initial reaction he felt a huge sense of relief that things where coming to a head – he was ready for it.

Erica is indebted to her family. It was very surreal with everyone coming together. They were angry but they put that to one side and focused on fixing Patrick even without knowing the full extent of the problem. The focus was ‘lets get this figured out and get him fixed’. Once he had gone into treatment everything started to come out which for Erica was terrifying. She didn’t know the extent of what Patrick had done and he had used her social security number for fraudulent purposes and she was left to deal with everything. All her family were involved along with three different lawyers but it still took weeks to sort things out.

It has taken a very long time for Erica to forgive Patrick. Through counselling, Gam anon and researching the subject she managed to separate the person from the addiction – the person she married was not the person who did those things – but there was so much anger and hurt sometimes she thought it was all too difficult.

In the beginning she was very vigilant and almost paranoid but the more Patrick showed he was on the right path the more trust there was. They improved their communication style and she took charge of all their finances. Now she thinks that Patrick has done so many good things through his recovery that there is too much to risk. Patrick felt that the first couple of years were very difficult and frustrating at times but if he took a step back he realised that he had a chance to regain Erica’s trust. Now he feels they have built trust and transparency in life.

Erica feels that Gam anon was really helpful. She needed to know she was not the only one and relate to people going through the same things. This along with the specialist addiction therapist she worked with formed the basis of the team she built around her. She feels the most important ways of supporting someone with a gambling addiction is to educate yourself, don’t give up, to surround yourself with people who love and support you and not to make judgments. Patrick feels that when someone is in a gambling frenzy the most important thing is to tell someone that you are struggling - the disease will progress and won’t go away on its own. You need help and talking about it is the first step.

He also recommends that anyone who feels they has a problem gets in touch with Gamblers Anonymous and the National Suicide Prevention line in US or the Samaritans in UK.

You may also be able to access help in the UK at https://www.okrehab.org/

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Erica and Patrick here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Living Love. Summers at Camp Jabberwocky.

Dr Steven Gardner is a Primary Care Internist at Massachusetts General Hospital where he works with adults with a range of issues. For the last twenty-five years he has also worked during the summer at Camp Jabberwocky, a special camp in Martha’s Vineyard for people with a range of abilities and disabilities. He was introduced to the camp through his son Graham who was born with Cerebral Palsy. Graham was unable to speak or to walk and needed help with everything but he was accepted as a camper at Camp Jabberwocky and Steven became a camp doctor. For thirteen years they spent summers with an eclectic group of campers and volunteers who formed a very unique family with and without disabilities who come together in the summer time in a beautiful place to live together and care about each other.

Cerebral Palsy or CP encompasses a wide range of brain and nervous issues that can range from mild to severe. Someone with a more mild form might have a limp but would be able to function perfectly well in other areas whilst a more severe form can damage the brain more profoundly would mean someone would be unable to speak, be in a wheelchair and need assisted technology and other people to help them physically although they are cognitively absolutely fine. In the past it was thought that CP was caused by birth trauma but now it’s more likely that its due to a problem such as a toxin or virus that occurs during pregnancy and is generally completely unknown to the mother.

Steven’s son Graham possessed an inherent dignity and radiance. He was never resentful and radiated kindness and love. He lived 22 years and passed away just before his 23rd birthday from an epileptic seizure when he was swimming in a pool with his father. After his death, the family received around 1500 condolence cards and they began to realise how Graham had touched a lot of people along the way – they had taken care of him but he had given them something back. His legacy was one of love and kindness, that we support one another, that we are one family and community and don't leave anybody behind.

Camp Jabberwocky was one of the first sleep over camps for people with serious disabilities. In 1953, UK actress Helen Lamb was working in Massachusetts as a speech therapist. She had to visit a number of children who were in wheelchairs and it made her angry that they had to spend summers indoors so she decided to take a few children to a place where they could spend the summer doing the things able bodies children did. She found an island 6 miles away from Cape Cod and in the summer of 1953 took 3 kids and 1 helper away for the first time. She didn’t really have a plan and had little money but did possess a belief that it was all going to work out. 68 years later it is part of the fabric of the area.

Helen created something really special. As well as the idea that love can abound and be shared, the camp works around fun and laughter. Laughter is an important part of resilience – it reduces stress the hormones and elevates the feel good hormones. Laughter also increases humanity and hierarchy quickly dissolves when you have fun with each other - Steven quickly became Dr Steve to everyone at the camp!

Most parents don’t stay at the camp but Steven was obviously an exception because of his role. As well as providing first aid for day-to-day cuts and bruises, Steven had to monitor all the serious underlying health issues that the campers but he was still able to go on adventures with his son and engross himself into the rhythms of the camp as a dad and doctor.

After Graham’s death the most difficult decision for Steven was whether to return to the camp. It would be painful without Graham but Steven knew that by going back to that special place and family, they would be loved and supported. Steven doesn’t know the reason Helen had in naming the camp but he thinks of it as a philosophy of living – to have open hearts and open minds, to embrace each other’s differences, to support each other, to laugh and create together and even to cry and argue together. This is what’s known as Jabberwocky love and every years when the campers and volunteers go back home they are always leave with the question - why cant the real world be more like Camp Jabberwocky?

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Steven here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Graham’s life and Camp Jabberwocky are the inspiration and location that Steven celebrates in his book  Jabberwocky: Lessons of Love from a Boy Who Never Spoke 

You can find out more at Jabberwockybook.com.