What relationships need to succeed. Communication, learning and resilience.

Kathryn Ford has been practicing psychotherapy for over 20 years. She now specialises in working with couples and other relationships having realised the importance of relationships and that she could do a better job if she had the whole relationship in the room rather than a single piece of it.

Kathryn feels being in a couple is very natural but that it’s also very natural to have difficulty being in a couple. Statistics show that about 75% of all human beings will attempt to be in a couple or major relationship at some point and, as Kathryn says, these relationships are the major way we continue to grow as adults.

When people make the mistake of thinking that the relationship is difficult because there is something wrong,  wrong with one of them, wrong with the relationship or that they are the wrong match, what’s really going on is that there is a lot of learning to be done and it takes a while to figure out how to do that.

Kathyrn feels that realising that being in a relationship is the single most important thing you can do for your own happiness and that pursuing your own happiness separately doesn't usually result in happiness. Some people ask her what is the most Important thing to look for in a partner and she thinks that we need to look for someone who likes to learn and is interested in learning because most of what you will need to do with this person is to learn together.

People often look for a type of person for a relationship without understanding what a type is and how restrictive that is. You could also look at there being different relationships for different stages in life. In the same way a company grows, relationships can have their entrepreneurial, start up and acquisition phases. The need is always to figure out how to learn together because relationships can run their course if you don't keep doing this.

Children can change relationships. In previous generations children were not at the centre of the parental relationship but in many cases now that is completely reversed. Couples need to realise that they have to prioritise their child’s health and wellbeing but that the learning for that child will come from how well they do as a couple. The main task of the family is to help the children learn to be with other people but how can you help your child learn how to relate if you’re not doing a good job of that yourself? There needs to be a emphasis on the couple. Previously families were larger social groups and there were a lot of people around to help each other. These days its more likely that two adults are trying to raise their children so the quality of their relationship makes the difference in sustaining the energy needed for the demands of being a parent. This highlights how couples need resilience. We need to face our battles together, help each other as we fail and bounce forward and learn from the experience.

Kathryn feels that the type of conversation that many couples have does not help. Often it boils down to a debate, a checking in about who knows what and whose ideas are better. What’s needed is an enlivened conversation that builds resilience and allows both people to explore and learn together. They can then move out of an adversarial mindset to a place where they can learn and be resilient together. Kathryn feels learning is the most important thing that a couple needs to do. A relationship can be demanding and needs energy and an inspiring vision, something to aim for that learning can be added to. The vision is what you’re going to learn to do together not who you already are when you start the relationship. Relationships do through different stages and this can bring different aspirations - one person moves forwards and leaves the other one behind.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Kathryn and her work at her website including details about her new course starting this month with Stanford Continuing Studies .