Breaking free from addiction and crime

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Keywords

Resilience – Addiction – Transformation – Trauma – Positive Change - Connection

 In this episode of Resilience Unravelled Don Cummins, a transformational coach, speaker, and author, discusses his journey of overcoming addiction, rebuilding his life, and finding success in a professional career after serving a 20-year prison sentence for bank robbery.

Don shares his experiences of overcoming addiction and rebuilding his life and discusses how trauma and a desire to fit in led him down a destructive path of drug use and criminal behaviour. He emphasises the importance of self-acceptance, support, insight, and of recognising when you reach the bottom in making positive change and highlights the need to address underlying issues rather than solely focusing on addictive behaviours.

Main topics

  • Why hitting rock bottom can be the turning point in making positive change.

  • Why you need support, insight, and self-awareness to make progress.

  • The challenges of re-entering society and finding a job after prison

  • Why it’s difficult to relate trauma experiences with others who haven't been through it.

  • Finding understanding and connection with people who have shared similar struggles.

  • Finding true purpose and meaning

Timestamps

1: Introduction and Background - Overview of the podcast episode and introduction of the guest, Don Cummins. Don briefly shares his background and what he does as a coach - 00:05-01:41

2: From Trauma to Prison - Don discusses the traumatic experiences he went through as a youth and how it led him into a cycle of addiction and involvement with the criminal justice system. He shares that this ultimately resulted in him serving a 20-year prison sentence for bank robbery - 01:41-02:03

3: Rebuilding a Life - Don talks about his journey of recovery and the challenges he faced in rebuilding his life after being at the lowest point. He emphasises the importance of support, gaining insight, and discovering one's true purpose and meaning - 02:03-03:10

4: Unpacking the Downfall - Don Cummins reflects on the factors that contributed to his downfall, acknowledging that it is a complex process to unpack. He mentions the struggle of staying clean and employable, and the emotional challenges he faced - 03:10-05:02

5: Gaining Resilience - Discussion on the importance of support, gaining insight, and developing resilience to overcome difficult circumstances. Don shares his perspective on hitting rock bottom and how it can be a turning point for positive change - 05:22-07:05

6: Rebuilding Relationships - Don talks about his experience in rebuilding relationships and finding understanding and connection with others who have shared similar struggles. He shares how counselling and communication skills helped in improving his relationship with his partner - 07:28-09:25

7: Sharing the Journey Through Writing - Don discusses his motivation to write a memoir, "The Prison Within: A Memoir of Breaking Free," to share his story and help others who may be going through similar challenges. He talks about the impact of his book and his upcoming book, "Awaken, Connect, Transform: The Universal Path to Happiness and Success.” - 09:25-14:23

8: The Universal Path to Happiness and Success - Don explains the concept of the universal path to happiness and success, emphasizing the importance of connection and recognizing our interconnectedness. He invites listeners to explore his work and learn more about his books - 14:23-21:41

9: Conclusion and Call to Action - Final thoughts on the power of resilience and the potential for personal growth and transformation - 21:41-24:10

Action items

  You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.   

 

Sprinting towards life after loss.

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In this episode of Resilience Unravelled, Jess Keefe, a writer and advocate for mental health and substance use disorders, discusses her personal experience with the issue after losing her younger brother to addiction. She highlights the need for science-based addiction treatment and challenges the stigma surrounding it. The conversation also touches on societal factors that contribute to addiction, including glamorisation of drug use in American culture and unfettered capitalism.

Jess and Russell discuss the conflicting messages in American society, where people are expected to be moral and responsible while being bombarded with toxic advertising. They debate the effectiveness of 12 step programs for addiction treatment, highlighting that it works best when individuals actively choose to participate and the lack of access to addiction treatment options is due to a complex system that prioritises profit over patient care. Effective addiction treatment involves ongoing support, medications, therapy, and social supports such as housing and jobs. The stigma surrounding drug use makes it difficult for people to seek help when they need it most.

Main topics:

  •  The issues related to high overdose rates in the US.

  • Why early intervention is important to prevent drug abuse.

  • Jess own experiences with drug abuse.

  • Why traditional forms of therapy, such as the Twelve Steps, are only effective for those who actively consent and want to participate.

  • The different forms of talk therapy and medication that can be used to treat addiction.

  • Why additional support such as career counselling and housing assistance is also important for sustained recovery.

  • Why the current healthcare system is not well-equipped to handle addiction treatment.

 Timestamps:

1. Introduction - 00:00-00:25
2. Personal Experience with addiction - 00:30-03:02
3. Early signs and coping mechanisms - 04:50-10:21
4. Treatment options and efficacy of Twelve Steps - 15:14-17:04
5. Challenges in getting help and support - 21:13-25:04
6. Writing a book and target audience - 26:19-30:18
7. Conclusion and contact information - 30:52-31:52

Jess also discusses her new book "Remind Me 30,000 Steps," which follows her journey through grief after losing her brother. The book is for people who have experienced addiction or know someone who has, explores the psychosocial factors of addiction and drug use while also providing a human story that people can relate to. She hopes the book will help others who have experienced loss or are curious about the issue of addiction.

Action points:

    You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.  

Beyond addiction. Science and kindness for positive change.

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Jeff Foote is a clinical psychologist who has been involved with addiction treatments and programme development and research for over thirty years. He now runs treatment centres and a foundation for families of people struggling with substance issues. He has also written some books aimed at families to amplify the messages about evidence based approaches that families never hear about when they are helping their loved ones with their substance issues.

Jeff’s work has not always been based around families. For the first twenty-five years of his career he felt that he, along with many other clinicians, downplayed the role and involvement of families when it comes to mental health issues and peoples psychological struggles. During the first two thirds of his career he ignored families and focused on the person struggling with the addiction. Over the last ten years through, he has been working with organisations geared towards helping families.

Jeff had a pivotal experience talking with fifteen parents who he was just about to start training to coach other parents. Their kids had had terrible substance issues and they wanted to help other parents through evidence-based ideas rather than the things they had been told for years and years. That series of interviews changed his view and helped him realise the huge pain families go through, the levels of motivation they have to help and understand and the huge resource they are in helping to produce change.

Jeff has spent the last ten years shifting his focus and trying to make the tools and information more accessible to families so that they can see that they do this, both themselves and in the community, that they don’t need professionals and that they can take this up and be effective.

The US has been a blaming society when it comes to substance abuse. This is gradually changing but it is still there. One message has always been that you have to detach. If your loved one is struggling you need to step away and take care of yourself. The tough love idea that you have to let someone hit rock bottom before they will change. This has nothing to do with evidence or effectiveness and is an approach that is heartbreaking for families who come scared, concerned and asking for help.

The 12 Step Programme is often considered to be the only solution for addiction. Jeff feels that it has helped many people and many families over the last seventy years. The problem is that it's a ‘one size fits all’ process. If it doesn’t help you then there must be something wrong with you and it’s your fault. It's a programme that has been both helpful and harmful because of its demand characteristics rather than an invitational approach.

The approach Jeff has been working on over the last ten years is called the Invitation to Change‘ which is an invitational idea rather than a command one. Its basis is in community reinforcement and family training, an approach called CRAFT which is the most powerful evidence based approach for helping families help loved ones. Before that, it was a case of letting go/detaching or confrontational interventionist approaches. What we know from CRAFT and other psychological based approaches is that you can take care of yourself and stay connected to them and that this is actually the most powerful way to help someone to change.

Jeff’s process starts by having to have an understanding of what the person you are trying to help is going through, to ‘Open the door to change by viewing your loved ones substance abuse by viewing it through another lens’. By shifting your perspective and starting to understand that you can step into their shoes. People do things because they are reinforcing. They act and behave because there is something in it for them. Substances are very reinforcing and they are reinforcing in different ways for different people.

Family members need to sit back and understand that their loved one is doing this not because they are morally reprehensible, lazy but because it makes sense to them in a powerful way. This creates an entirely different relationship and atmosphere – I still feel scared, I don't like or agree with it but I can understand it now. You’re a human being and these things mean something to you. This changes everything – what you’re doing makes me want to turn away to what you’re doing makes me want to turn towards you. The thing that changes is the understanding of their motivation.

The person struggling with the addiction is the one whose behaviour is not acceptable. The family is involved in a blame way. Studies about family support and family health show the barriers to are practical and economic but the major one is stigma. When a family member steps into the change process or treatment system they get blamed, ‘why didn't you see it earlier’ and there is shame and blame. It rips the family fabric of trust and safety apart and how you reengage is different for all families. Their values are different but most are invested in staying connected, of being loving and bringing safety, connection, respect and collaboration into a family unit that might have been damaged by the substance abuse.

Jeff feels Science and Kindness is what helps people change and that although strategies, understanding and data related research trial concepts are powerful without kindness the uptake and effectiveness is much less. Kindness is an evidence-based strategy as well.

You can find out more about Jeff at Center for Motivation and Change Foundation or The Beyond Addiction Workbook for Family and Friends: Evidence-Based Skills to Help a Loved One Make Positive Change, 

   You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

Speed skiing, engineering and mindset The road to the Olympics

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Speed skiing is an extreme sport where skiers reach speeds of up to 200 kms an hour. Each competitor skis in a straight line, in a tuck position as fast as possible to the finish line with the skier with the fastest time winning.

It was a demonstration sport at the Albertville Winter Olympics in 1992 but has not been part of the Games since then however there is a likelihood of it returning in the 2026 or 2030 Games and Jacob is on a mission to see that happen. 

Like all high level sport speed skiing is about failure, rectification, incremental gains and constant evolution. It’s an extremely tough sport mentally and physically – you know you will have crashes but you have to have a long-term vision and know where you’re tying to go. You have to put goals in place that are incremental – you’re not going to get to your end goal of skiing at 200 kms an hour on your first run but you can set goals to get towards it and look at it with a long term perspective.

It needs a lot of confidence to go that fast. The starts can be extremely difficult because the tracks are very steep – sometimes it can be like looking out the window of a plane! Starting points can be between 400 and 800 metres or 2000 feet tall and even getting to the start can be problematical. Often you have to use ropes or climbing gear to get in position and it’s even more of a challenge with super long skis of 240cms. Once you get in position and set up for the run you then just jump off a platform or push off the side of the track.

At the start you run though your check-list – the position, what you’re going to do on this run, is all your equipment correct. You focus on things systematically because it then makes you feel as if you have a game plan which in turn gives you a lot of confidence when you’re about to start. Then you put on your aerodynamic helmet (which has an inner helmet which stays on in a crash and an outer helmet that breaks off) and you’re ready for the run. The last thing you should be thinking about at that point are the potential consequences, the ‘what if’ or the ‘what will happen if I crash’. 

With the helmet on the field of vision is very small. You can only see a couple of feet in front of you especially when you are at high speed in a tuck but once they say go you’re totally focused. The run is over in 20 seconds so sometimes the hype before the run is more of a rush than the run itself. You focus intensely for 20 seconds or so. You’re travelling at 100mph and can see the undulations in the snow, you can feel the speed and the wind and then its over. Before you know it you’re at the bottom.

Jacob is also a Manufacturing Engineering team lead for Amatrol Inc., a global leader in technical education and training for industry, community colleges, and technical colleges. He finds it a very rewarding job transforming the global workforce and feels there is renewed interest in trade schools and in developing skills for various aspects of industry. He also finds that the engineering principals he uses and has learned can be applied to the speed skiing side of his life. Speed skiing is heavily involved in equipment so having a background in design engineering and manufacturing engineering allows him to provide product input on the different components of equipment and also to design various pieces of equipment set up.

Jacob found his way to speed skiing by chance. He competed in alpine ski racing, particularly slalom and giant slalom, as a junior and had some success but at the same time he was playing tennis in high school. He wound up playing Division 1 tennis for Wright State University and Southern Illinois University Edwardsville and competed on ITF and UTR Pro Tennis circuit.

Whilst he was focused on tennis he took a break from skiing competitively. The career span in alpine ski racing is not very long with most racers retiring around 30. By time Jacob came out of college he was 25 years old so it didn't leave a lot of time to complete. He started looking for ways to get involved in competitive skiing again but in a way that would provide a longer opportunity to build, compete and develop. He looked at different disciplines such as cross country and ski jumping but then came across the speed skiing which he thought looked really cool.

Jacob started reaching out to people in the US and in different organisations in Europe and found out more about the sport. The speed skiing community is there to help everybody. You are competing but somehow are on the same team and everyone wants to get more people interested in the sport. People were helping him to understand the equipment needs and how to get into competitions and at that point he realised this was what he wanted to do. The first year he didn't have any sponsors so was using used equipment in the feeder category for World Cup Competitions which is called S2. He did really well and last year was his first year on the World Cup category itself and he hopes to continue from there.

Managing anxiety is important. When he started out Jacob didn't have much anxiety but last year he had a crash at over a 100 mph. He walked away from it with just bruising but it wasn't the physically side that took a long time to get over. Ever since then when he’s training or even just working on equipment he relives the crash or gets anxiety about it. The biggest thing for him to deal with it was to understand why he crashed and then understand how to prevent it. Once he had figured this out then he could finally let go of that experience. He feels that if you can’t put a reason to why you are doing it or what the causes are then that's what creates anxiety – its the unknown.

Many engineers are very rational thinkers who are not prone to massive flights of imagination and Jacob thinks this can sometimes help because you can logically think through problems but sometimes it works against you because you start to overthink problems - you start to ask too many questions when in reality you should simplify the problem but you make more out of it than it is.

Jacob feels that his engineering and skiing careers overlap. There are always challenges and problems in manufacturing, meeting goals, using resources efficiently, increasing production and improving quality. These things go hand in hand with speed skiing, not just from a technical side but from a mental side as well.

You can find out more about Jacob at https://www.jacobperkins.org/ or to find out more about speed skiing visit speedski.com or fis-ski.com

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

Become a Braveologist. The key to conscious bravery

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Pamela Brinker has been a psychotherapist for more than thirty years but, when her second husband died of brain cancer eleven years ago, in her grief she didn't know what to do or where to turn. She looked at the obvious resources and tried to modify things as she had taught her clients but, within months, both of her then teenage sons turned to drugs and alcohol in their pain and suffering.

 Even though they were close it was such a challenging time for them. They were turning to each other and to substances. Within three years they were both addicted to amphetamines and Pamela had to come up with some different strategies. She became a ‘Braveologist’, using tools and resources differently and adapting and modifying different techniques not just for grief but also for the mental health and addiction challenges her sons were facing.

There is an assumption that drug users ‘come from the wrong side of the tracks’ and a lack of understanding that addiction can start in many ways - having an operation and getting addicted to painkillers or from grief. There are negative connotations when they talk about addiction and this is a stigma we need to break. None of us want to become addicted but most of us are to something – albeit chocolate or shopping!

Pamela thinks we need to start having a view of addiction that's on a continuum. Although she uses word addiction in her book, she sees it as substance or behavioural issues. She feels that we all need compassion and understanding to realise that no one wants to be dependent on a substance to get the level of happiness or containment that they seek or to deal with pain. That's really part of how addiction develops over time - it's a combination of a lot of different things. There is no one size fits all and it becomes a brain issue of pleasure and desire.

Some of the most recent research shows that the part of our brain that we need to use to help us override our dependency, is the same part of the brain that is flawed and not working properly. Pamela suggests that we walk alongside those we care about with deep compassion with tenderness and with strength.

One approach that is used when working with addicts is the 12 Steps which has been adapted for many different addictions such as eating, shopping, gambling etc. In the US there also mindfulness or whole-being based programmes with strategies that support people getting into their bodies not just their hearts and minds. Pamela has done a lot of work with somatic enquiry, awareness and body work which helps get us into the places in our bodies where our pain is stored. This is an answer to the ‘how do we resolve addiction’ and the ‘how do we quit depending on a substance’ questions. If we bring deep compassion to ourselves, to our whole being, we are seeking something to help us with what our brains, bodies and hearts can’t handle.

Linking the body to the mind is important as we wear pain in the body as well as the mind. The answer to many mental health even trauma issues is in the body. Pamela feels that we need to move past mindfulness and use the data available to us from going both inside and outside our beings so that we become more consciously aware. She uses the six zones of experience to do a whole being scan – the body, the heart, the mind, our intuition, the energy fields/environment around us and then the deepest part of our core self or essence. We can do this scan in thirty to sixty seconds and can gain a wealth of information so we can realign and balance and be there for our loved ones.

Self-care is very important when working with addicts because it’s very draining giving of yourself. It’s also important to guard and protect our happiness so we can remain a vibrant being who isn’t defined by our circumstances, situation or other people. When we are feeling agitated or tap into a situation which might be a crisis we start asking ‘what should I do?’ The key foundation of self-care is to tap into our own being where we have a wealth of data that can help us to decide what to do, to see what options are available and to think more clearly and be calmer - which is what we think we want when we say we want mindfulness! What we really want is to be truly aware and make choices that are truly brave.

Integrating the body with the mind helps the mind make better choices and allows for pattern disruption so that other things aren’t distracting you from harnessing your whole self. Most of us activate emotionally, in our bodies or both. Our minds start racing so we want to be able to ground ourselves and rebalance, to tune in to our bodies and calm the sympathetic nervous system.

There is a criticism of some awareness approaches. The critical thing is what comes next, of having awareness not for the sake of awareness but of making choices and taking meaningful action. We can’t just pretend to live joyful lives, we can’t just hope and affirm.

Being consciously brave is about being able to know what is needed in any given moment and then doing it. When we have the capacity to be free of all feelings and not judge ourselves we can come into our whole being and say ‘I can do this’. We need to be able to know who we truly are – to know I’m not my situation or defined by my loved ones - I’m defined by my essence which is never changing

Conscious bravery is innate. We are born with the capacity for it but we do have to cultivate and learn what tools work for us as its not a one size fits all.  Your form of conscious bravery may look different to everyone, but its something everyone has to practice.

Pamela is the author of the new book CONSCIOUS BRAVERY Caring for Someone with Addiction or you can find out more about her at https://bebrave.us/about-the-author/

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

Running towards the cannon. Self-acceptance, resilience and mental wellbeing

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Michele Capots is a speaker, writer and mental wellness and resilience coach who is currently based in Arlington, Virginia.  Michele went through a clinical depression in her 20s that led to her having suicidal thoughts and planning to kill herself. She was a binge drinker and didn't drink every day but once she started she generally couldn't stop. She was in recovery for many years and had a really hard time dealing with her alcoholism as she felt all the things she associated with it didn't apply to her. Her drinking started out as a coping mechanism. Her father died when she was two and she grew up thinking she was different.  Alcohol made that OK and later when she was seventeen a sudden death in the family led to the drinking became the coping mechanism.

Michele stopped drinking when she was 25 and although at the time she thought that was too young she’s now grateful she stopped at that age. When she stopped drinking she went through a depression and went to therapy and onto medication and got better. Years later she went through a similar depression but this one sent her into a manic episode and she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She knew nothing about bipolar and was in and out of psychiatric wards for three years. Her bipolar manic episodes were bipolar 1 that meant she suffered intense experiences of mania and these episodes sent her into hospital – the episodes happened, she  was treated then released. She felt better and then the next year it happened again. Michele thought it was going to be like this for the rest of her life.

Michele was worried that it meant she was crazy and that she should be able to snap out of it.  She didn't think it was something that happened in your adult life, rather it was something you were born with. The self-stigma she felt was difficult to overcome and made her fight against the diagnosis and she didn't admit she had a mental illness. Illness is often portrayed as a war and this is not the best way of approaching it. Someone told Michele that she should to run towards the sound of the cannon and she took this as meaning she should run towards the problem rather than away from it. When she accepted that the disorder was only a part of her not all of her she found freedom and achieved mental wellness.

Michele feels mental wellness is different to mental health. Mental health is the diagnosis, therapy, medication and appointment with the doctor. Mental wellness is about finding the tools to help us get there – exercise, eating well, meditation and practicing gratitude – all the things we do to that help us take care of ourselves and maintain our mental health. Self- acceptance was really important to Michele. She fought against having a mental illness and the more she fought the more she was in its grip. Recovery helped a lot with that so she was able to accept her mental illness and realise that there was more to her. She thought her mental illness was all she was about and could offer someone but she then realised that there was a whole other side that she wasn't embracing because she was focused on her mental illness.

Its only fairly recently that words like mental illness have become more accepted. Now it’s sometimes seen as an obstacle that can be overcome with good lifestyle and therapy. The external stigma has been reduced and in a way Covid has helped with this by bringing the conversation to the forefront. So many people were experiencing problems with their mental health and Covid helped to normalise it but there is still more we can do.

The current generation seems to be more aware of mental health as being non-stigmatised and recognise mental illness as not being any different to a physical illness. People sometimes stuggle with taking medication for a mental illness but its exactly the same – you are simply taking medication to help your illness. Michelle feels it is courageous that people stand up and talk about it but when you’re in the middle of it you still feel isolated and alone. Being able to talk to people who are knowledgeable, practical and pragmatic as well as therapists and coaches is important.  

Michele recently broke her jaw and went through a period where the feelings that started her depression came back but she realised what they were and that she could do something about them. Resilience helps with this - knowing you've been through it gives you the tool kit to go through it again and come out the other side.

Bipolar not a sign of weakness and now Michele embraces that part of her, the experiences she’s been through are what made her resilient and shaped who she is and what she does.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more at Michele Capots.com

It’s not what you’ve done, it’s how you move forward

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Arman Vestad is based in Trondheim, Norway and is a public speaker, father of three and a runner. Before that though he went through a lot of tough challenges. Over the first thirty years of his life he was a criminal, drug addict and debt slave but for the last fifteen he has used the experiences he gained from being on the ‘wrong side’ of life to help others stay on or get back on track.

Arman feels it was a long journey that took him into life as a criminal and that there was no one or anything he could really blame. He had parents who took care of him and three siblings, the one closest in age to him is actual a police officer. He does think though that he had some vulnerabilities when he was a child. He was bullied at school, didn’t have many friends and every so often he received some money from his grandfather. He used this to buy friends so money became the tool to get self-esteem. He had a lack of self-esteem and money was the problem solver. Money has been part of his life all the time in good days and bad days.

Arman feels that he may have had a genetic vulnerability but that he was also affected by circumstance and by friends and people he met. Critically, he moved away from his parents and lived with his grandfather when he was 13 or 14 years old. His parents lived on an island with access to the city only by ferry. Arman loved playing football so asked if he could stay with his grandfather to enable him to play more. He stayed there most of the week and he now thinks that although it was fun staying with his grandfather this was where his problems started. He grandfather was 70 and divorced and enjoyed having Arman staying but there were no boundaries or limits.

Arman now feels children need to have boundaries but at the time he thought not having them was really good. He could do exactly what he wanted and in the spirit of this he also started stealing money from his grandfather.  His grandfather gave him money but it wasn’t enough and when he did it the first time it was extremely exciting. He decided he wouldn’t do it again and would put the money back but he couldn't.  Once you break the boundaries the first time its much easier to do it the next time – he knew it was wrong but he feels that if someone had stopped him and shown him the consequences at the age of fifteen who knows what would have happened.

By the time was 18 or 19 he was a doorman at a club. Some of the customers were criminals and they befriended him. He became part of a culture and adapted to it and one thing led to another and he realised that he could make more money by selling drugs and would do that from time to time. He was a party boy who loved to dance, be happy and share joy. He was very generous so gave away money, drinks and drugs and also made his own drugs which made a lot of money and became addicted because he needed to test his own drugs to see the quality.

Over time the police became aware of him and he was arrested many times. In the mid 90s he was in the UK, Amsterdam and Poland at parties that were part of the rave culture. He didn't feel a criminal, rather he was part of a big community that was testing boundaries but after several overdoses that life had taken a completely different direction. In 2000 he was sitting in a police cell and was at rock bottom  - he weighed 70kgs when two years previously he had been 120kgs. His physical and mental health was a complete mess and he just wanted to stop living.

People standing on the outside don’t understand the power of community. Community has the power to heal and be positive but also the power but to destroy and attract people into a certain set of lifestyle choices. There is a vicious cycle of the community, drugs and crime which can be quite seductive, all partying and having fun but at the same time not noticing what it’s based on. You get caught up in the excitement and hedonism of the time. It is possible to stop the cycle but you need to stop it by removing one of the elements of the cycle and replacing it with something else that gives you that buzz.

When some people hit rock bottom they stay there but others have the resilience to make the decision to change. When he was in the prison cell Arman felt at rock bottom and wondered what have I done to deserve this – I’m just a kid who wanted to fit, be liked and be appreciated for the person I am. He didn’t feel he had enough to change things but the turning point came when he met a policeman a few months later.   Arman had gone even further down but policeman talked to him, asked him how are you today, you doesn't look very good, is there anything I can do to help, name it and I will try to see if I can make it happen. It was a very vulnerable moment and it might not have happened the day before or the day afterwards. Arman was arrested but the policeman visited him the next and that was the ignition he needed - as the policeman had said I don't see you as a drug addict I see you as a person.

Armans life didn't change at that time but when he met the next person in his journey, a prison inspector he had enough confidence in himself to realise he was worthy as a person. The prison inspector spent a lot of time with him and helped point him towards the work he does now but he still had to find his first job after he left prison. The person who hired him asked him two questions at the interview - what have you learned from the time you've been an ex-criminal and how can those lessons you learned help us solve our society responsibility. Those two questions changed the atmosphere completely at the job interview. Instead of being afraid and hiding his CV, he knew she asked about what he had learned so it was up to him to tell her.

One of Armans missions now is talking to managers or companies about hiring ex-criminals and explaining what the benefits are if you hire them. When he got his first job no one believed he would ever survive, that he would be unemployed for the rest of his live. Now, having worked for 15 years for the Norwegian government he can show its possible to change and make a difference. Ultimately it’s not about what you've done, its what it meant and how you drive it forward.

You can find out more about Arman and his work at https://www.armanv.no/en/

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

Moving on from alcohol addiction

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Veronica Valli is a recovered alcoholic and drug addict, who has personal experience of what it takes to recover from an addiction. At the height of her addiction, she was unable to go to work without the aid of a drink and her life and confidence were in tatters. She got sober in 2000 at the age of twenty-seven and went into working in the addiction field as a Psychotherapist primarily because of her own personal history.  Since moving to the USA with her husband Veronica has written two self published books and has a new book coming out in February. She now works mainly as a coach with women who want to change their relationship with alcohol.

Veronica feels alcohol is part of the social fabric and that people who struggle with their relationship with alcohol do four things. 1. They drink.  2. They think about drinking. 3.  They think about not drinking. 4. They recover from drinking. People who don't have a problem with alcohol don't think about it because it doesn't rent any space in their head and take up energy. Veronica’s calls this bandwidth. You can do a lot with 70% bandwidth but what you can’t to is emotionally grow the way you’re meant to because you are spending that bandwidth arguing with yourself about whether you’re going to have a drink that night or not, whether you drank too much at the weekend or whether you should do Dry January.

Problems with alcohol start a long time before the external signs such as missing work appear. Only people with a problem think about not drinking - why would you be thinking about not drinking? People who don't have a problem think about alcohol the some way people think about sandwiches. It's the thinking about not drinking that's the indicator.

In the UK we have normalised abnormal drinking. People are seen as successful in the various areas of their life on the outside - they check the boxes, of having a job, a house and a car so not seen as having a drinking problem. If people go to work every day they are seen to be functioning and can appear to be OK. It may be that one part of a relationship is worried but the other isn’t concerned and feels they are functioning well. They still have a job and Veronica feels the job is the last thing to go because it’s where the money is and money is where the alcohol is. Typically though the relationship will break down before the job goes.

There is always the need to find support. The most common approach is the 12 Steps and Veronica got sober using this because at the time there where no other options. She found it very useful and always makes it clear that the 12 steps are simply ancient, spiritual wisdoms so we get into good enough fit enough shape to become alcohol free and then go and get some professional help. It’s a helpful approach but she feels there should be other options and that its not the perfect fit for everyone as some people don't relate or identify with it. It's a peer led programme and many people Veronica knows also have other issues such as limiting beliefs or relationships that need professional intervention

There is a difference in how alcohol affects the genders and the way of working with different genders. Veronica was part of Generation X and in the 90s binge drinking was sold as feminism. The belief was that if you drank like the boys it was equality.  To women of her generation abusive drinking normalized. Over the last five or six years though there has been a culture of alcohol being seen as a reward at the end of a stressful day. Perception is far harder if you drink, there is a numbing of feelings and a default to alcohol to deal with problems so you don't develop the skills you need as human beings to deal with disappointment or frustration. When you’re drinking you re not really alive, you’re not really present – you don't have all your band width – which is similar to the feelings associated with taking pills for  anxiety or depression. There is a feeling of walking through life thinking we’re are dealing with everything but not dealing with anything

Alcohol is marketed to women differently. There has been a rise in female led drinks such as Prosecco which are seen as being fun and glitzy – that if you’re not drinking you’re missing out. Women simply can’t drink as much as men and there are also unique problems woman have. If women going through menopause drink too much it makes the situation worse but drink is pushed on woman whatever stage of life you’re in. Male drinking is different. It’s more sociable as men tend to drink in groups whilst women tend to drink more on their own. Veronica feels that alcohol is one of the few ways men are allowed to express emotion, that it’s acceptable to cry on best friends shoulder if their football team lost. If alcohol wasn't involved men wouldn’t do that. There is no permission for men to express their feelings and alcohol gives them the avenue to express that.

Veronica feels that alcohol is sold as a belief system before we even start to drink. Not drinking is never presented to us as a option because drinking is what adults do. Alcohol is the best way to get to the land of fun, excitement, relaxation, belonging, connection rewarding yourself, romance and sex . That's what’s sold to us and who doesn’t want that? You want these things but if you feel inadequate alcohol will get you to that place. If you’re not drinking you’re seen as being boring and have to fight the social conditioning and stereotyping that goes with it.  It can be hard to challenge this on your own as the messaging is so clever and insidious.

Connection and community are essential to stopping drinking as we all need to have meaningful connections. We need people who really know us, who we can be vulnerable with – part of the reason AA has been around so long is that it provides community. At 27 Veronica lost all her friends because no one was staying in on a Saturday and she didn't have anyone to hang out with. When you stop drinking you feel like you’re the only one so you need to be with people who understand what you’re going through. It’s also powerful a bit further down the road to be with people who can say ‘I remember that’,  ‘I felt like that this is what I did’,  ‘this is how I feel now’. Seeing people who’ve been through it helps you think that it is possible for me. Connection is the most healing and life sustaining thing we can do.

Veronica’s latest book is Soberful,  a personal development programme that would be helpful for anybody not just people who have a problem with alcohol. Everybody has to do personal development work but most people don't realise that and just bumble along. An alcohol problem is a wake up call, you've got to do some personal wok on yourselves. We all need to exercise regularly for optional health and personal development are just exercises for our mental health that we need to do regularly as well .

 You can find out more about Veronica and her work at soberful.com or https://www.veronicavalli.com/ Her book Soberful is available via Amazon.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

Never good enough – recovery from an eating disorder.

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Faith Elicia has been on a seven-year path of recovery from an eating disorder. Though it there have been many highs and lows, but most importantly, there have been opportunities for growth and change. Her new book, Do You See What I See? Is based on her experiences and follows her journey of recovery from her eating disorder.

Although not a professional in the eating disorder field, Faith has worked closely with psychologists and dieticians during her own recovery. She feels that anyone suffering from an eating disorder has a distorted body image of themselves and also uses maladaptive coping mechanisms to focus on food or their bodies rather than their feelings. It can appear as if they are functioning but their feelings are numbed because their focus is on binging, purging or restriction.

Faith feels that eating disorders are not really talked about as much as other addictive behaviour although there are some very sobering statistics with 9 percent of the U.S. population having an eating disorder in their lifetime. Eating disorders cross gender, race, sexual orientation, and socioeconomic groups and are among the deadliest of mental illnesses. Anyone caught in the downward spiral of continually obsessing about food, weight, and body image, needs support to free themselves from this dangerous illness. 

The most well known eating disorders are Anorexia, Bulimia and BES (Binge Eating Disorder) but there are a number of others. They can start for many different reasons but a common factor is some type of trauma. This could be emotional, physical or sexual but there is usually an internal belief that the person is not good enough. This belief can then morph into an eating disorder and this can sometimes occur in conjunction with another disorder such as anxiety

Faith’s Father was an alcoholic and although he sought recovery in later life in her childhood her was drinking and she was always in fight of flight mode from a young age. This led to deep routed emotional suffering which was hard to clear away. She depended on her mother emotionally and didn't believe she could do things on her own so no matter how in control she seemed externally, she felt completely different inside.

There are some professions, particularly those with a high media profile such as acting, where there is huge pressure on body image.  In America the ideal is to be very thin and there are constant messages to children that this is the norm. The obesity rate is very high in America and 7 or 8 year olds are talking about dieting to obtain the ‘perfect’ airbrushed images put forward as the ideal. It’s therefore important to use the right language, for instance that exercise is for the right reasons not for maladaptive reasons. It’s also important to be aware of what sites young people are looking at – sites that promote eating disorders and set a pattern that is very difficult to get over.

There are some noticeable signs that someone is suffering from an eating disorder.  Talking about their body a lot, skipping meals, picking around food, disappearing after meals and starting to exercise a lot are some of the more noticeable ones. But sufferers can be very good at hiding their problem and not letting other people know what’s going on.

Faith feels that the smallest things can be the biggest milestone, that small actions add up and can change thinking. It’s hard to believe you’re deserving when deep down you don’t believe it but practicing self care and gratitude has helped Faith change how she looks at herself and now knows that she ‘deserves it as much as anyone else’.

People not suffering from an eating disorder believe that saying “No!” to self-destructive behaviors should be easy but it’s not. It can be a daily struggle with no single solution. Instead it’s a journey of stops and starts but through learning various strategies it is possible to break its hold. 

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Faith here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more about Faith at faithelicia.com

Choose your struggle. Conversations about mental health, substance abuse and addiction.

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Choose your struggle. Substance abuse, addiction and recovery.

Jay Shifman’s mission is to encourage difficult conversations and honest education around the issues of mental health, substance misuse, and addiction. A storyteller, speaker, podcaster, and event host, Jay entered recovery himself in 2010 after struggling with mental health and substance abuse problems for half a decade  following a misdiagnosis in his teens which left him addicted to prescription pills. Jay is now in long-term recovery and, through his company, Choose Your Struggle, works towards his two distinct goals, to end stigma and ensure that those who struggle receive the help they deserve.  

Jay feels that there are a huge number of people trying to deal with substance misuse and addiction but that they don’t talk about it because of the stigma that's attached to it. Talking about it and encouraging fact based education is the way to break down the stigma

Jay decided to get himself off prescription drugs. He spoke with his doctor who advised him to stay on the medication but Jay wanted to know what it was like living without the drugs in his life. He had already attempted suicide so he thought that things couldn't get any worse. It was a case of lets see what happens.

If Jay had been addicted to something like heroin he could have accessed a lot of help but there is not so much assistance for coming off prescription pills You have to trust yourself. Jay stayed with his grandmother who was very supportive whilst he undertook a four-month Step Down Detox Programme which reduced the amount drugs he took each day. It was very hard and very scary. Jay worked with a therapist who helped him get off safely because it needed to be done in a managed way. The failure rate for people who simply go ‘cold turkey’ is very high.

Making the decision to get off the drugs is just the beginning of the journey. The journey itself tests both mental health and resilience. Jay feels it took five years before his physical and mental health returned.  This can be a problem when going into rehab. If you haven’t treated the underlying issues then they will resurface as soon as you go back to your ‘normal’ life. Jay thinks that it’s a two stage process – the first part is to get off the drugs so you can start to feel what it’s like to be yourself again and the second part is focusing on yourself so you can understand why were you struggling, what were the underlying issues you had and what you need to do to take care of yourself.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Jay here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

For more information about Jay and his work , visit: www.jayshifman.com or find him on your favourite social media platform.

Jay’s podcast is Choose your struggle

Moving on from gambling addiction. The importance of love and support.

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Patrick Chester started gambling in his late 20s. It was something he grew up with and it was portrayed as something that was commonplace. Initially it was a fun activity, something he did with his with friends. He was in his early 30’s when he got married to Erica in 2006 and it was after this that his gambling led him to start making bad choices, hide things from Erica and lie to cover up his gambling.

Over the first nine years of their marriage there was a slow progression of the lies and deception. Patrick was working for himself as a contractor and he started using the money he made and also borrowed more money to feed his gambling habit. In 2015 Erica’s family found out what was going on and got involved by arranging an intervention with a moderator. Patrick then went into treatment for a month and shortly afterwards had to go to jail for some crimes he had committed to feed his addiction.

Erica feels she has learned a lot the last six years. She had no idea gambling was an addiction and was not willing to give up when she learned how sick Patrick was and how he wanted to get better. She couldn't throw the towel in knowing it was addiction that was causing him to be sick and not reckless behaviour.

Often it is not just the addict who carries guilt or shame. It is only recently that Erica learnt to let go of a lot of this – should she have asked more questions, investigated more or not believed his stories. When they first met they had a lot of things in common - sports and the outdoors and she had no reason not to trust him. When she found out about the gambling she felt duped and angry but when she looked back she realised there were some missed red flags – some times her debit card didn’t work but Patrick would always have a reason for it and she believed him. The problem would be fixed but should she have demanded proof or better answers?

Patrick never came clean with Erica, rather he sent an email to another family member. Erica had a call from her Dad saying he needed to see her urgently because he had found out that Patrick had a really bad gambling addiction, they weren’t sure how bad it was but they were leaving now and meeting an interventionist. Erica had no control over anything as everything she knew came from a third party.

Her family put an intervention in place in 24 hours and the family met with the interventionist the day prior to the intervention. Erica doesn’t remember very much about it. She was in complete shock and very emotional. The interventionist explained about addictions, what it does to the body and brain and what would happen the next day. They all had to write a letter to Patrick saying that if you don't choose this lifeline, there is no place for you. It was a massive ultimatum. When he arrived Patrick realised what was going to happen. Once he got over his initial reaction he felt a huge sense of relief that things where coming to a head – he was ready for it.

Erica is indebted to her family. It was very surreal with everyone coming together. They were angry but they put that to one side and focused on fixing Patrick even without knowing the full extent of the problem. The focus was ‘lets get this figured out and get him fixed’. Once he had gone into treatment everything started to come out which for Erica was terrifying. She didn’t know the extent of what Patrick had done and he had used her social security number for fraudulent purposes and she was left to deal with everything. All her family were involved along with three different lawyers but it still took weeks to sort things out.

It has taken a very long time for Erica to forgive Patrick. Through counselling, Gam anon and researching the subject she managed to separate the person from the addiction – the person she married was not the person who did those things – but there was so much anger and hurt sometimes she thought it was all too difficult.

In the beginning she was very vigilant and almost paranoid but the more Patrick showed he was on the right path the more trust there was. They improved their communication style and she took charge of all their finances. Now she thinks that Patrick has done so many good things through his recovery that there is too much to risk. Patrick felt that the first couple of years were very difficult and frustrating at times but if he took a step back he realised that he had a chance to regain Erica’s trust. Now he feels they have built trust and transparency in life.

Erica feels that Gam anon was really helpful. She needed to know she was not the only one and relate to people going through the same things. This along with the specialist addiction therapist she worked with formed the basis of the team she built around her. She feels the most important ways of supporting someone with a gambling addiction is to educate yourself, don’t give up, to surround yourself with people who love and support you and not to make judgments. Patrick feels that when someone is in a gambling frenzy the most important thing is to tell someone that you are struggling - the disease will progress and won’t go away on its own. You need help and talking about it is the first step.

He also recommends that anyone who feels they has a problem gets in touch with Gamblers Anonymous and the National Suicide Prevention line in US or the Samaritans in UK.

You may also be able to access help in the UK at https://www.okrehab.org/

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Erica and Patrick here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Understanding gambling addiction

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Patrick Chester is an author and speaker on the subject of gambling addition. A former addict himself, he now lives in Washington State with his wife Erica and his two sons.

If you take a group of people playing slot machines or cards, or backing a horse or football team, some won’t be affected at all, a couple may develop a mild gambling habit whilst one may end up with a with a severe problem. It’s hard to say what the trigger is, as its different for each person but Patrick traces his trigger back to when he was young.  His father took him and his sister to parties where people were gambling and drinking and having a great time. Patrick didn’t recognise the dangers of gambling because he had grown up seeing it as fun and harmless, something you could do as a family. Before he knew it though, it had taken over his life.

Patrick doesn't know when was the point of change. It was difficult to recognise but he got to a point where he was in very deep and it had gone being fun to being the solution to his problems. In his mind the only way to recover and pay back his debts he was in was to gamble more. Patrick started to realise he had a problem around 2012 when he started committing crimes. He had exhausted all his access to finance and was no longer working for himself as he had been reported to the state. He was gambling with other people’s money by taking money as a deposit and using it to gamble.

At the end of 2014 Patrick had rented some heavy equipment for a job he had been hired to do but his plan was actually to sell the equipment and gamble the money. He had convinced himself that he would win the money back and pay off all his debts.   At this point he realised he had crossed the line. Nobody else knew and he looked and appeared normal but inside he was a mess, stressed out and confused. It is easier to recognise someone with a drugs and alcohol problem as you can see the toll the addiction takes physically but with gambling there is nothing to see. Patrick had also become very creative with his lies. His wife trusted him with the bills and the mortgage and he diverted mail so she didn’t see bills weren’t being paid. Deceit and having to live on your wits almost seemed to be part of the enjoyment. Talking his way out of situations and convincing other people gave him a sense of satisfaction but that was part of the illness. Some days he just felt a huge sense of sadness when he would ask himself how he could continue to lie and do this to the people I love.

Patrick had to figure out what was going on in his head and why he was doing these things. What he sees as his ‘Day of Comeuppance’ happened in 2015. During 2013 and 2014 criminal changes for theft were brought against him. He decided the best thing would be to let the charges to play themselves out and plead guilty. At this point he reached out to a family member.  He and his family were living with his wife’s parents as they had lost their house. He told them he was going to work but at that point he had no work. His father in law called and said they knew everything that was going on and not to come back to house, to book in a hotel and that they would all talk tomorrow. It turned out they had taken out an intervention. The next day they all sat down together and five hours later Patrick was on a plane for treatment.

Patrick feels that there were many points particularly in 2010 and 2011 when his wife was questioning him when he could have told the truth about his gambling problem and that her needed help but he was scared he would lose his marriage. As it turned out it was a 100 times worse carrying on. It takes a different form of courage to ask for help. He wished he had the courage but he kept searching for ways to get out his mess – he was going to win and pay everyone off and stop gambling. He knew it wasn’t reality but reality doesn't work with a full-blown addict. When Patrick went into treatment they did a full assessment and gave him a base plan to work with to help him understand what was going on in his brain but it took a couple of years before he could see the addiction patterns. Patrick feels he was very fortunate as his wife and her family put together a life plan for him. It was very much take it or leave it but he was ready. There are very few specialist gambling treatment centres in the USA but Patrick was fortunate in that a place was found for him. It helped him to release that he wasn't alone and that gambling addiction happened to other people as well. 

Therapy was very intense and lasted for eight hours a day for thirty days. After that he continued to work with them as an outpatient. Three weeks after he left therapy he was due to be sentenced for his criminal convictions. Patrick attended thinking that as he had completed treatment the judge would view his case favorably but the judge had listened to the victim impact statements and sent him to jail for four months.  Patrick had nothing to do but think of ways to improve his life and self and he now thinks the jail term was good for him.  He also had to pay back all the money he owed which amounted to hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Patrick very much respects his wife and her family. He doesn’t know another family who would have gone to the lengths they did. His wife was pretty tough on herself for a while and kept asking herself how she could have allowed him to manipulate her for so long but as Patrick says it is hardest for the person closest to you to see it. Patrick now focuses on being the best father and husband he can and trying to help people understand what gambling addiction is and helping people who are suffering. After taking from people and causing them financial and emotional pain he feels it is time to start giving back and turn it into a positive. He is working on a book which will hopefully be out in the summer/early fall and on a website.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Patrick here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and full blog archive is also available.

You can get in touch with Patrick through his Twitter account patrickchester9

He also recommends that anyone who feels they has a problem gets in touch with Gamblers Anonymous and the National Suicide Prevention line in US or the Samaritans in UK.

You may also be able to access help in the UK at https://www.okrehab.org/

Out of pain comes purpose. Equus Coaching, reinvention and changing course at 60

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The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled – Out of pain comes purpose. Equus Coaching, reinvention and changing course at 60

In this episode, Dr. Russell Thackeray talks to Nancy J. McKay who is based in Colorado. Nancy is the Founder of Amazing Outlook Coaching and believes that you can't be courageous without first being vulnerable.

Nancy has been through some challenging and life changing events and became acutely aware that life is short, and there was no time to lose to follow her dreams. She completely changed course at the age of 60 and became a Certified Mind-Body-Eating Coach in 2018, a Certified Wayfinder Life Coach in 2019 and a Certified Equus Coach in 2020. She now uses her experience, training, and passion to help women explore and eliminate what is holding them back, challenge old beliefs and patterns and replace them with tools and strategies that empower them change their lives.

Nancy herself struggled with alcohol for many years. Her Father was an alcoholic and killed himself in 2007. Nancy also tried to commit suicide and this wake-up call led to her finally getting sober when she was 52. She was then diagnosed with ovarian cancer when she was 58 and the experience of going through chemo helped to change her perspective on life – she didn't get sober and survive to be miserable! She had a good job but was very unhappy so started on a programme of personal development. She enrolled in a coaching programme and from there started her own coaching business.

Nancy feels that ‘Out of pain comes purpose’. Many people don't want to feel pain but if we are willing to look at it, we can grow from our pain. Nancy thinks that she wouldn’t be working as a coach if she hadn’t had cancer. Her life looked good from the outside but she was dying inside. She had to do something else because her life was about more than recovering from alcohol and cancer.

Nancy’s cancer diagnosis came after she had been alcohol free for six years so she feels it was not so devastating because she had learnt from the journey getting sober She also considers it was worth the journey to be where she is now – she doesn’t look on her cancer as a battle rather accepting it as part of her. She feels it was her greatest gift because it made her wake up and made her realise she wasn’t connecting and was living under a veil that was between her and life. Nancy thinks its not circumstances that make life make good or bad but how we think about the circumstances that make us happy or sad.  

One of the techniques Nancy is qualified in is Equus Coaching which uses horses as co-facilitators. All the work is on the ground and the horses act as a mirror, responding to the energy we put out. Horses are aware if we are not being authentic but if we are aware of our truth they will interact. Nancy used this herself and once she realised how powerful the release and transformations could be, decided she wanted to learn the process herself so she could share it.

Although it's a very specilised coaching style there is really nothing that stands in the way. Even if people are scared of horses they can benefit just being close to them. Nancy finds people are generally more concerned about what they will learn about themselves. The link to the horse releases something – you just need to be open, willing and curious 

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Nancy here. Our previous podcast episodes and upcoming guest list are also available.

Our full blog archive is also available.

You can contact Nancy at nancy@amazingoutlookcoaching.com or visit her website:

www.amazingoutlookcoaching.com