Busy and burnt out?

From time to time we all say  ‘I’ve got too much to do’, ‘I’m too busy’ or ‘I wish someone would realise the time constraints I’ve got’.  But being busy is a good thing, it’s only when it becomes a virtue and a ‘badge of honour’ that issues arise.

Research has shown that to some people, busyness is connected to their self-worth and status. If they’re busy they feel needed, in demand, and important which then elevates their feelings of self-worth. Culturally as well, people who are seen to be busy are admired - if you’re busy, work late and don’t take your lunch breaks or annual leave, you’re seen as more important, indispensable and successful.  

But although being busy may positively impact self-esteem, if you’re so busy that your work/life balance is affected then its time to reevaluate. Constantly over-scheduling has a negative effect on emotional and physical health and can ultimately lead to burnout.

Initially it may feel challenging to shift your priorities, disconnect from work and take time for yourself, but it’s essential if you’re going to take control of your health and wellbeing.

Time to invest in ourselves.

Dr Russell Thackeray’s podcast from December 2020 talks about the rather strange circumstances we found ourselves in 2020 and how we could launch ourselves into 2021. Unfortunately, much of this is still very relevant to the uncertain times we find ourselves in again this year so we thought it could be useful to return to it. In this podcast:

There is no doubt that during 2020 we’ve seen the best - and the worst of people in the work environment. There have been tales of heroism and triumph. People who haven’t worked for a large part of the year have had to deal with the economic and mental health issues that brings whilst others have worked relentlessly and tirelessly with the possibility of burnout hitting at some point. People have moved from big, open plan offices with the support, and problems, that brings to the challenge of working at home, sometimes in an environment really not suited to work!

The one thing we can bring out of the whole situation is the importance of resilience. We have seen that people can whether the storm, they can keep going and even thrive but its important to realise that they can’t keep going forever. At this time of year we all really need to do one (or both) of two things:

·      Stop and rejuvanate ourselves or

·      Invest in ourselves to plan forward.

Firstly, we need to really stop and look at what we’re doing. Remember we’re on holiday so turn off the work mobile, don't look at the emails and don’t start on the presentation needed in the New Year. We have to have a break to renew. Try some meditation or breathing exercises, have some long, relaxing baths or get out for some walks in the countryside.

Stopping will also help you to think forward. If you feel stuck or aren’t happy then start planning! There are a huge number of free learning courses online to help obtain some new skills. Alternatively, check out the Wheel of Life, which can help us think and project forward through categories such as career, relationships finance and happiness. It will also highlight the fact that at different points in our lives, different things are important. For example, at the moment you may be prepared to work hard because its getting you where you want to go but alternatively, you might be coming to a point where you’re working equally hard but you realise it’s not giving you what you need so it’s time to stop and think about what you really want.

Once we stop we can then start to invest in ourselves. We can begin by being more mindful about the way we engage with ourselves, our partners and our friends and family and the time we dedicate to them. We can look at our immune system and the nutrients and vitamins it needs to improve our sleep and help us generally feel better. We can also look at our work environment. We need to make sure we can move about freely, take time away from screens and build in proper breaks rather than just keeping going.

Rolling forward, it looks as if the seas will be a bit choppy so thinking about the narrative we use can help our mental state. If we think 2021 is going to be terrible we’ll spend our time dreading what’s to come whereas if we adopt more of a ‘what will be’ attitude we’ll be able to deal with situations a lot better. Plan some things that you can look forward to. Just the process of booking future holidays, family events or days out helps change our mental state. Remember how confirmation bias helps give us the things we believe in. If, on balance, we think 2021 will be a positive year it’s far more likely to happen if we tell ourselves it will. 

Our mental state can also be affected by the constant flow of social media. The dopamine surge when we get ‘liked’ on Facebook can be pretty addictive so we need to keep a healthy sense of perspective. The same is true about the media generally. We need to become more rationally pragmatic so we can make measured decisions about what we see and read.

Above all else, we need to be kind to ourselves. 2020 has been a year like no other and we all deserve some time and some self-care.

The only other thing to say is that we hope you have a happy and safe Christmas and we look forward to catching up with you again in 2022!

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

A blueprint for life. Moving on from extreme narcissism.

Derek Newborn is the owner of a worldwide online health and fitness coaching programme that focuses on the mind body and spirit. He has also set up a website, thenewbornblueprint.com which aims to help men who have had massive emotional setbacks and want to reclaim their truth and connection to the world.

Derek initially worked as a personal trainer and built a highly successful personal training business. He was then discovered by a modelling agency and became a fitness model but the further he went down that path, the more he lost himself emotionally and mentally. His relationships with his friends and family went down and it seemed that the more successful he appeared externally and the more recognition he got for his physical appearance, the more the emotional and mental aspects of his life went in the opposite direction. He suffered from a massive clinical depression, two suicide attempts and as he went through that journey, he realised he had become a narcissist.

Derek felt he had lost himself. He had always had a vision of how his life would be and that he would like to make a successful career in the fitness world. He achieved that, his partner at the time was his ‘dream girl’ so on paper he had everything he thought he needed and wanted. On the inside though personal issues from his past meant he felt extremely empty. He used self-sabotaging behaviours, cheating, lying and hurting the people he loved the most to try to find the peaceful feeling he felt he was missing. The only thing he was concerned about was filling the emptiness so although on outside everything seemed great but on the inside he was disconnected.

Derek feels his feeling of emptiness stems from abandonment issues from his childhood. This fear outweighed any love he had for his family and partner so he was just focused on not being abandoned. The process of not being abandonment however actually pushes people away through his self sabotaging behaviours, Derek created everything to was trying to avoid.

At the same time he realised he had become a narcissist. Everything was about him and making himself feel good. A narcissist isn’t concerned about taking advantage of other people, they are self-centred and don’t worry about the repercussions or damage they create. Derek started to work on his narcissism initially by addressing his abandonment issues. He had to connect himself to his truth and believe that no matter who comes and goes in his life, no matter what his financial situation is, he is not going to be abandoned

In the past if relationships broke down Derek would just go out and find somebody to entertain him but now he is able to do things alone and can be happy and content with himself. He had to be honest with people about why he did or said things and from there it was about reverse engineering everything that he had done. After his first suicide attempt he had to go though some therapy and has since done several different versions of conventional therapy. He found that the most effective therapy for him was reconnecting with his past traumas and working through them. He felt therapy kept reliving the bad things and it was hard to see himself as a new person if he kept reliving the past.

Derek built his website thenewbornblueprint.com for modern men. Derek defines a modern man as somebody who is comfortable with themselves and knows exactly who he is. He feels that modern society makes it easy for a man to lose himself and that it’s more about keeping you controlled as a man. It is rare for a man to talk about struggling mentally or of being a narcissist and things like social media are easy to get wrapped up in. A modern man takes ownership of the good and bad in his life and is always trying to improve it

Derek believes its harder than ever for a man to be a true man, especially in America where people think of men as being very macho, very brave, of working super hard and being tough. Many women now exhibit more of these characteristics and abilities which makes it difficult for men to cover off or invent a new set of purposes for themselves. The Blueprint is also for partners so they can better prepare themselves and understand that no one is born a narcissist, that things have to happen and people show up in their lives to strengthen the characteristics.

Health and fitness is incorporated into Derek’s approach. He feels that if you are severely out of shape or not physically confident it can be hard to be mentally confident. Originally his programme focused just on physical fitness but he soon realised how much of an emotional and mental attachment there is to the fitness journey. Derek feels that if men want to be successful in relationships they have to be completely connected to their truth. He thinks that every man has a purpose and as they go through life their truth gets blurred and they lose themselves. They go through life unfulfilled because they aren’t aligned with their truth and sometimes get so far away they don't even want to face that part of their truth. They then coast though, knowing that they aren’t living at their full potential but too scared to go down what can be a lonely road.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Derek here.. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Derek at https://www.thenewbornblueprint.com/

Strategies to deal with fear.

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled - Strategies to deal with fear.

Lawrence or Larry Doochin is an author, entrepreneur and survivor of sexual abuse. As a child, he felt fear, anger, guilt and shame and it wasn’t until his late 20’s and early 30s that he began find strategies that helped him learn how to deal with and release fear. It was then that he started to move along an emotional and spiritual healing path.

Larry feels that fear is an emotion, a belief and an energetic in the body. Most people know the psychological part of fear that is built into our evolutional system. Larry refers to this as good or cautionary fear but there are different types of fear some of which we are not even fully aware of. These fears that lie under the surface could be a of not being successful, of not coming up to other people’s expectations, death, or of not being not lovable or worthy enough. Some are fears we feel individually and others collectively.

To determine what fear is, we need to watch our emotional reactions and how we interact in our experiences. This is called witnessing.  We also need to see how we are projecting so we can then bring these projections back in. This will not only show us our fears but also the beliefs that support them and the conditioning that created them. We can see how they are affecting us in our lives and experiences so we can make a start on changing them. Seeing what these fears are how they were formed helps us to lose those that are not useful.

Lawrence feels that we are too preoccupied with the past and the future, going back over memories and worrying about what might happen with no real solution or plan. This is when fear can take over so we need to become more aware of our own thoughts so we can pull our attention back to the present and reconnect with our ourselves in the now where fear cannot exist.

Fear does have a purpose. We will always need to have cautionary fears but fear can also be a good thing because it acts as a pointer as to what is not working for us. This then allows us to change and overcome our fears so we have a greater sense of ourselves and can live our lives the way we want to.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Lawrence here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Lawrence’s book is A Book on Fear: Feeling Safe in a Challenging World.

You can find out more at lawrencedoochin.com.

Losing the illusion. Dealing with Bells Palsy.

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled – Losing the illusion. Dealing with Bells Palsy.

In this episode, Dr. Russell Thackeray talks to Barbie Wharton who is based in British Columbia. Barbie is a speaker, writer, dance event boss, Mum and survivor of Bell’s Palsy.

Barbie started dancing with her sister when she was in the 5th Grade and learnt ballet, jazz and tap. In fact, her Mother ended up buying the dance studio because they both spent so much time there! She then went on to business school and had a career in upper management before leaving after having her two boys. She then started a team apparel company with her sister and also worked with her sister and mother for 20 years producing a number of dance competitions across Western Canada.  The theme at all events was “You Belong Here” - everyone is special, everyone belongs. In 2020 the business had to close due to Covid-19 but the pandemic gave her some time to reflect and she realised that she wasn’t ready to let the dance world go - that she needed to get back up and try again! She is now starting her own company, B1 Dance Productions, where she will initially she be running a couple of small events in Vancouver.

Barbie’s resilience had really been tested in 2015 when she woke up with Bells Palsy, a condition that causes a temporary weakness or paralysis of the muscles in the face. It can occur when the nerve that controls the facial muscles becomes inflamed, swollen, or compressed and it causes one side of your face to droop or become stiff.  In Barbie’s case, it was very sudden although she had been feeling a bit run down. She just woke up on a Monday morning and was getting the kids ready for school when she realised one side of her face looked different. Her resting face was fine and she thought she had a sinus infection so went to a clinic where they told her to see a doctor asap! Her doctor prescribed steroids and anti-virals but Barbie tried a lot of other things such as acupuncture, acupressure, essential oils, prolo therapy, fascial stretch therapy as well as seeing a naturopath.

She also did a lot of research it and found Louse Hay, one of the founders of the self-help movement, whose idea was that the root cause of Bell's Palsy was about denying emotions like anger so that when emotional release is denied, the anger appears as facial paralysis. Barbie felt that in her case, developing Bells Palsy was about not using her voice to give her opinion or even not to think about what her opinion was. She wasn’t speaking up and using her voice and was letting other people’s idea of what was picture perfect affect her. She needed to stop and say this is what I think. Barbie was trying to be everything to everyone, the perfect mum, perfect partner with the perfect house and the perfect life which was exhausting. She needed to lose her illusion of what her life should look like.

At the moment Barbie’s recovery is about 85% but each day is different. It’s also different for each person who suffers with Bells Palsy. Some people find it goes away completely whilst others have to deal with it in the longer term. It can be a very traumatising and emotionally terrifying thing to happen so because there is not a lot of information available she decided to set up Bellspalsytalk.com a community where people can come together and talk to other people who are going through the same things.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Barbie here. Our previous podcast episodes and upcoming guest list are also available.

Our full blog archive is also available.

You can find out more about Barbie at barbiewharton.com or at bellspalsytalk