Dealing with grief. The Suicide Club.

Alexandra Wyman is a pediatric occupational therapist working with children up to 18. In 2020 her husband passed away by suicide leaving her with a one-year old son. Her book The Suicide Club is about this experience and she wrote it to try to help guide others and in a way normalise the experience of the aftermath and loss of a loved one close to you.

The book is something she wishes had been around when he passed. She had lots of beautiful gifts but nothing really helped her through the business, the drama and trauma that can happen with other peoples grieving styles. Dealing with other peoples grief is a challenge because they often think by grieving so dramatically that somehow it’s helping you. But it’s really not – a trouble shared can be a trouble doubled sometimes.

People want to be helpful especially after a loss but people’s help is not always helpful. Often people will project their own ideas of grief or how to handle something onto others. It creates a sense of security and safety - if I grieve this way why isn’t everyone grieving in this way? There was a lot Alexandra learned about herself and how she liked to grieve and her grieving process did come under a lot of scrutiny initially so she had to navigate that as well. She feels that however you feel you need to grieve is absolutely OK and for someone else to have an opinion or to project that onto you is their stuff. Own what’s yours and try to set up boundaries around that.

Grief is individual but people like to moralise, contextualize and judge that you are not being sad enough, happy enough or down enough. People moralise about grief more than almost anything else and at times Alexandra was considered too cold, too businesslike and not grieving enough. People thought she was working through her process to quickly, that she should slow down because they thought she was trying to erase her husband. She realised she was a private griever. She would hold it together through the day for her son and then find time to let it all go in the evening. She also found that whilst she used to be a very big ‘huggy’ person after her husband died she didn’t want people to touch her. People wanted to hug her so that she could comfort them. They need to feel comfort from the person in the direct line of the loss. They feel comforted and can then continue moving forward.

Grief is a big emotion. It’s challenging and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is also no right or wrong way to deal with different types of grief. There can be a sudden loss or longer-term illness, the death of a child or suicide. Suicide has a lot more wrapped around it. No matter how prepared you are for someone to die there is always an element of shock even if you have been grieving for a while. When it comes specifically to suicide, there are so often things that we want to say to people and don't. With any type of loss part of the shock is that you don't get to say what you wanted to say to that person or you don't get to hear what you wanted to hear from that person.

Suicide is more complicated because there are also so many questions. How did we get here? Often there is an idea or a misconception that there are signs or that it’s planned. Alexandra has been participating in a local suicide support group and has come across two people where their loved ones did plan it but the most do not. When that happens it’s like ‘did I miss the signs’ or ‘what did I do’? We start to take responsibility as if the choice was not theirs and that I as the wife contributed to it. There is a higher level of responsibility that we put onto it and a lot of judgment and blame from society so it just compounds the ability to even grieve because you’re having to work through all of these items or parts of it that you can’t even unravel.

Alexandra feels that she needed the book to find out how to deal with other people’s grief. Her situation was complicated because there was some legal action against her and a possible case regarding the custody of her son. There was a lot of additional trauma that happened. Her husband didn't have a will and she didn’t know about anything that related to his job. It wasn't that they didn't communicate, it was just that they weren’t prepared. She needed to know that it was OK to set boundaries, to realise that she didn’t cause the situation or have to take the responsibility for someone else’s choice.

Suicide is a type of death that is no different to any other. Individuals who die in this way are in pain. Its not tangible but they are in pain and their pain is not any less because they decided to end their life to lose the pain. They didn't share the pain because they were protecting you from it in a way. It's a brave step to take. People say its cowardice but people close to it say it really isn’t at all. Its not bravery its just a solution or a removal of the pain.

Although Alexandra doesn’t agree with her husband’s decision she can understand how he got to it. That was a big shift for her and she was then able to start her healing by looking inwards, working through her own limiting beliefs and increasing her own toolbox. What messages had she taken on in regards to how she viewed suicide, her marriage, healing and personal growth? She had to work through those herself to get more clarity and healing.

Time is a component in healing but Alexandra also used a number of different resources. She tapped into everything she could and realised she needed different tools on different days. She encourages people to work through emotions because bypassing them just prolongs the grief. You have to sink into negative emotions and feel through all of them. Part of the grieving process is asking is it too early to move forward? We don't talk about death because we’re not comfortable with it. Alexandra feels that we should get things ready when we’re feeling happy and not wait for death to get things together. Think about your spirituality because this impacts the grieving process and it can change. Alexandra had a basis for what she believed but realised she needed to do a bit more soul searching to figure out where she really stood with this.

People can get stuck on the idea that life is linear – we like to say what life looks like to be successful but the reality is that life doesn't look like that. It’s unpredictable.  We don't know when things will things happen so we need to live our best life now and not put it off. If work or a relationship isn’t working for you or you aren’t happy, find something that does make you happy. We all deserve to have that level of happiness and joy.

Alexandra would encourage surviving friends and relatives to find something in their life that they can live for. This could be a person or a thing but whatever it is they have to work through their grief process for them. For Alexandra it was her son. She thought that he didn't deserve what had happened and that their lives did not have to be dictated by it. There will be days when you don't want to do anything and it hits you really hard and that when you need something to hang on to. The other thing is just to keep going. Sometimes it will feel that you have taken five steps back after you two hard won steps forward so you have to ride the waves and know you can get through.

 Find out more about Alexandra at forwardtojoy.com or visit The Suicide Club: What to Do When Someone You Love Chooses Death,

  You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

Choose your struggle. Conversations about mental health, substance abuse and addiction.

Choose your struggle. Substance abuse, addiction and recovery.

Jay Shifman’s mission is to encourage difficult conversations and honest education around the issues of mental health, substance misuse, and addiction. A storyteller, speaker, podcaster, and event host, Jay entered recovery himself in 2010 after struggling with mental health and substance abuse problems for half a decade  following a misdiagnosis in his teens which left him addicted to prescription pills. Jay is now in long-term recovery and, through his company, Choose Your Struggle, works towards his two distinct goals, to end stigma and ensure that those who struggle receive the help they deserve.  

Jay feels that there are a huge number of people trying to deal with substance misuse and addiction but that they don’t talk about it because of the stigma that's attached to it. Talking about it and encouraging fact based education is the way to break down the stigma

Jay decided to get himself off prescription drugs. He spoke with his doctor who advised him to stay on the medication but Jay wanted to know what it was like living without the drugs in his life. He had already attempted suicide so he thought that things couldn't get any worse. It was a case of lets see what happens.

If Jay had been addicted to something like heroin he could have accessed a lot of help but there is not so much assistance for coming off prescription pills You have to trust yourself. Jay stayed with his grandmother who was very supportive whilst he undertook a four-month Step Down Detox Programme which reduced the amount drugs he took each day. It was very hard and very scary. Jay worked with a therapist who helped him get off safely because it needed to be done in a managed way. The failure rate for people who simply go ‘cold turkey’ is very high.

Making the decision to get off the drugs is just the beginning of the journey. The journey itself tests both mental health and resilience. Jay feels it took five years before his physical and mental health returned.  This can be a problem when going into rehab. If you haven’t treated the underlying issues then they will resurface as soon as you go back to your ‘normal’ life. Jay thinks that it’s a two stage process – the first part is to get off the drugs so you can start to feel what it’s like to be yourself again and the second part is focusing on yourself so you can understand why were you struggling, what were the underlying issues you had and what you need to do to take care of yourself.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Jay here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

For more information about Jay and his work , visit: www.jayshifman.com or find him on your favourite social media platform.

Jay’s podcast is Choose your struggle

Understanding gambling addiction

Patrick Chester is an author and speaker on the subject of gambling addition. A former addict himself, he now lives in Washington State with his wife Erica and his two sons.

If you take a group of people playing slot machines or cards, or backing a horse or football team, some won’t be affected at all, a couple may develop a mild gambling habit whilst one may end up with a with a severe problem. It’s hard to say what the trigger is, as its different for each person but Patrick traces his trigger back to when he was young.  His father took him and his sister to parties where people were gambling and drinking and having a great time. Patrick didn’t recognise the dangers of gambling because he had grown up seeing it as fun and harmless, something you could do as a family. Before he knew it though, it had taken over his life.

Patrick doesn't know when was the point of change. It was difficult to recognise but he got to a point where he was in very deep and it had gone being fun to being the solution to his problems. In his mind the only way to recover and pay back his debts he was in was to gamble more. Patrick started to realise he had a problem around 2012 when he started committing crimes. He had exhausted all his access to finance and was no longer working for himself as he had been reported to the state. He was gambling with other people’s money by taking money as a deposit and using it to gamble.

At the end of 2014 Patrick had rented some heavy equipment for a job he had been hired to do but his plan was actually to sell the equipment and gamble the money. He had convinced himself that he would win the money back and pay off all his debts.   At this point he realised he had crossed the line. Nobody else knew and he looked and appeared normal but inside he was a mess, stressed out and confused. It is easier to recognise someone with a drugs and alcohol problem as you can see the toll the addiction takes physically but with gambling there is nothing to see. Patrick had also become very creative with his lies. His wife trusted him with the bills and the mortgage and he diverted mail so she didn’t see bills weren’t being paid. Deceit and having to live on your wits almost seemed to be part of the enjoyment. Talking his way out of situations and convincing other people gave him a sense of satisfaction but that was part of the illness. Some days he just felt a huge sense of sadness when he would ask himself how he could continue to lie and do this to the people I love.

Patrick had to figure out what was going on in his head and why he was doing these things. What he sees as his ‘Day of Comeuppance’ happened in 2015. During 2013 and 2014 criminal changes for theft were brought against him. He decided the best thing would be to let the charges to play themselves out and plead guilty. At this point he reached out to a family member.  He and his family were living with his wife’s parents as they had lost their house. He told them he was going to work but at that point he had no work. His father in law called and said they knew everything that was going on and not to come back to house, to book in a hotel and that they would all talk tomorrow. It turned out they had taken out an intervention. The next day they all sat down together and five hours later Patrick was on a plane for treatment.

Patrick feels that there were many points particularly in 2010 and 2011 when his wife was questioning him when he could have told the truth about his gambling problem and that her needed help but he was scared he would lose his marriage. As it turned out it was a 100 times worse carrying on. It takes a different form of courage to ask for help. He wished he had the courage but he kept searching for ways to get out his mess – he was going to win and pay everyone off and stop gambling. He knew it wasn’t reality but reality doesn't work with a full-blown addict. When Patrick went into treatment they did a full assessment and gave him a base plan to work with to help him understand what was going on in his brain but it took a couple of years before he could see the addiction patterns. Patrick feels he was very fortunate as his wife and her family put together a life plan for him. It was very much take it or leave it but he was ready. There are very few specialist gambling treatment centres in the USA but Patrick was fortunate in that a place was found for him. It helped him to release that he wasn't alone and that gambling addiction happened to other people as well. 

Therapy was very intense and lasted for eight hours a day for thirty days. After that he continued to work with them as an outpatient. Three weeks after he left therapy he was due to be sentenced for his criminal convictions. Patrick attended thinking that as he had completed treatment the judge would view his case favorably but the judge had listened to the victim impact statements and sent him to jail for four months.  Patrick had nothing to do but think of ways to improve his life and self and he now thinks the jail term was good for him.  He also had to pay back all the money he owed which amounted to hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Patrick very much respects his wife and her family. He doesn’t know another family who would have gone to the lengths they did. His wife was pretty tough on herself for a while and kept asking herself how she could have allowed him to manipulate her for so long but as Patrick says it is hardest for the person closest to you to see it. Patrick now focuses on being the best father and husband he can and trying to help people understand what gambling addiction is and helping people who are suffering. After taking from people and causing them financial and emotional pain he feels it is time to start giving back and turn it into a positive. He is working on a book which will hopefully be out in the summer/early fall and on a website.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Patrick here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and full blog archive is also available.

You can get in touch with Patrick through his Twitter account patrickchester9

He also recommends that anyone who feels they has a problem gets in touch with Gamblers Anonymous and the National Suicide Prevention line in US or the Samaritans in UK.

You may also be able to access help in the UK at https://www.okrehab.org/

Out of pain comes purpose. Equus Coaching, reinvention and changing course at 60

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled – Out of pain comes purpose. Equus Coaching, reinvention and changing course at 60

In this episode, Dr. Russell Thackeray talks to Nancy J. McKay who is based in Colorado. Nancy is the Founder of Amazing Outlook Coaching and believes that you can't be courageous without first being vulnerable.

Nancy has been through some challenging and life changing events and became acutely aware that life is short, and there was no time to lose to follow her dreams. She completely changed course at the age of 60 and became a Certified Mind-Body-Eating Coach in 2018, a Certified Wayfinder Life Coach in 2019 and a Certified Equus Coach in 2020. She now uses her experience, training, and passion to help women explore and eliminate what is holding them back, challenge old beliefs and patterns and replace them with tools and strategies that empower them change their lives.

Nancy herself struggled with alcohol for many years. Her Father was an alcoholic and killed himself in 2007. Nancy also tried to commit suicide and this wake-up call led to her finally getting sober when she was 52. She was then diagnosed with ovarian cancer when she was 58 and the experience of going through chemo helped to change her perspective on life – she didn't get sober and survive to be miserable! She had a good job but was very unhappy so started on a programme of personal development. She enrolled in a coaching programme and from there started her own coaching business.

Nancy feels that ‘Out of pain comes purpose’. Many people don't want to feel pain but if we are willing to look at it, we can grow from our pain. Nancy thinks that she wouldn’t be working as a coach if she hadn’t had cancer. Her life looked good from the outside but she was dying inside. She had to do something else because her life was about more than recovering from alcohol and cancer.

Nancy’s cancer diagnosis came after she had been alcohol free for six years so she feels it was not so devastating because she had learnt from the journey getting sober She also considers it was worth the journey to be where she is now – she doesn’t look on her cancer as a battle rather accepting it as part of her. She feels it was her greatest gift because it made her wake up and made her realise she wasn’t connecting and was living under a veil that was between her and life. Nancy thinks its not circumstances that make life make good or bad but how we think about the circumstances that make us happy or sad.  

One of the techniques Nancy is qualified in is Equus Coaching which uses horses as co-facilitators. All the work is on the ground and the horses act as a mirror, responding to the energy we put out. Horses are aware if we are not being authentic but if we are aware of our truth they will interact. Nancy used this herself and once she realised how powerful the release and transformations could be, decided she wanted to learn the process herself so she could share it.

Although it's a very specilised coaching style there is really nothing that stands in the way. Even if people are scared of horses they can benefit just being close to them. Nancy finds people are generally more concerned about what they will learn about themselves. The link to the horse releases something – you just need to be open, willing and curious 

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Nancy here. Our previous podcast episodes and upcoming guest list are also available.

Our full blog archive is also available.

You can contact Nancy at nancy@amazingoutlookcoaching.com or visit her website:

www.amazingoutlookcoaching.com

Building resilience for emergency responders.

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled – Building resilience for emergency responders.

In this episode, Dr. Russell Thackeray talks to John Marx, the Executive Director of the Law Enforcement Survival Institute and editor of the law enforcement wellness website www.CopsAlive.com

John is based near Denver Colorado and is now a consultant and trainer who works with law enforcement officers and emergency responders to help them build their wellness and resilience - as their motto says, ‘Saving the lives of those who save lives’. John was a law enforcement officer himself for 23 years but by the end of his career he felt very burned out.

When he was a serving officer John contemplated suicide and he now realises that many other law enforcement officers, emergency responders, fire fighters and paramedics have the same thoughts. They see the worst of society and this takes a toll on the human spirit over time. John knew he was suffering so he chose to leave law enforcement and sought out help. He wanted to venture out on his own and do something different so he moved into a completely news environment. The suicide of an ex friend and colleague however, brought back many memories and made him recognise that there were many people who suffered in silence and had families and friends who didn't realise what they were going through.  John wanted do something to change this so decided to set up an organisation to provide consultancy and training services to develop the health and wellbeing of emergency responders.

Many of us get our knowledge of the emergency services from film and television. John feels that these capture a little about what these careers are like but although they do a good job in showing the fear and outrage that providers go through, they don't capture the ongoing stress generated from nurturing society’s ills. There is an underlying malaise that comes from having to deal with dreadful situations and people day in, day out.  John worked for some time as a community police officer so got to know people in his area. He felt it was important to know the people he served and believes believes this is how police officers should work.

John feels that everyone is born with some resilience but that it is also something we can build. In the emergency services resilience needs to be built because there are forces working against so there is a need to be prepared. Since the shift to remote working many people have found difficult switching between work and home. The relentless series of interactions makes it difficult to wind down. John uses a mechanism he calls a ‘buffer time or zone’ to change between work and home. Emergency responders see so much death, destruction, poverty and sadness that it is challenging not to bring it home. Many responders try to protect their loved ones from their experiences and this in itself can be very harmful.

John feels that being a serving police officer is a profession not just a job and there is a need to strive for excellence to be the best you can be and provide the best service to community. This need to be intentional is a mindset that we can programme though visualisation, positive affirmation and programming to build habits to intentionally improve ourselves. We need to be conscious of our habits because they can get locked so we need to break the pattern and stay in the present moment

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about John here. Our previous podcast episodes and upcoming guest list are also available.

You can get in touch with John at:
www.LawEnforcementSurvivalInstitute.org
www.CopsAlive.com
www.ArmorYourSelf.com