Reconnecting with life

Keywords

Resilience – Love – Relationships – Connection - Expectation

In this episode of Resilience Unravelled Steffi Seefeld, a global speaker and facilitator, discusses her work in helping people find love and reconnect with life. She explores the concept of love and how it can be chosen and cultivated as well as the importance of maintaining curiosity, presence, and appreciation in relationships. She emphasises the need for conscious effort to sustain a relationship or professional connection and the importance of hiring well and becoming the person one wants to attract in order to have fulfilling relationships or professional partnerships.

Steffi also talks about the importance of effective management and leadership in hiring decisions, the need for realistic expectations in relationships and the challenges of finding a perfect partner or team member. The conversation touches on the idea of having multiple deep relationships in different areas of life without diminishing their value and of polyamory as a concept that goes beyond romantic relationships and extends to other meaningful connections.

Main topics

• Transmuting neurochemistry and creating mindful, choiceful practices

• The importance of being attentive and not rushing through relationships or work

• Why building teams requires measuring relationships in the real world and establishing boundaries

• The importance of hiring well and finding partners with clarity and understanding of each other's boundaries and trajectories in life

• Self-awareness and mental rehearsal in reinventing oneself

 Timestamps

1: Introduction and Guest Introduction.  00:03-00:24
2: Steffi's Background and Work. Steffi explains that she helps lovers and leaders overcome feelings of stuckness and lost connection in relationships, allowing them to fall in love with life again. 00:34-01:25
3: Unpacking the Work. Russell and Steffi discuss the concept further, exploring how our upbringing and conditioning influence our relationships and how we can consciously change our patterns. 01:30-04:23
4: Importance of Hiring Well and Finding Clarity in Relationships. Steffi draws parallels between joining an organisation and entering a relationship, emphasising the need for clarity, boundaries, and understanding one's trajectory. 08:04-09:19
5: Endurance and Commitment in Relationships. The conversation shifts to the importance of endurance and commitment as partners face challenges together, and how this cannot be fully known until the first difficult phase is encountered. 16:49-17:24
6: Reinventing Oneself and Reprogramming the Brain. Steffi discusses the work she does in helping individuals become the creators of their own lives by becoming self-aware, letting go of old habits, and using mental rehearsal and brainwave patterns to reprogram the mind. 20:05-24:01
7: Connecting with Steffi and Recommended Resources. : Steffi shares her website and LinkedIn profile for those interested in learning more about her work. She also recommends Dr. Joe Dispenza's book, "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself," as a resource on the science behind creating our own lives. 24:32-26:38
8: Closing Remarks. 26:38-27:24

 Action items

Find out more about Steffi at steffiseefeld.com

   You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.     

Understanding what’s important … and what’s not. Love after 50

Francine Russo is a widely recognised journalist who covered the Boomer beat for Time for over a decade as well as writing for Scientific American, The Atlantic, and other major publications. 

Over the last two decades the number of divorces in the over 50-age group has rocketed and there are a lot of people looking for new partners. Francine herself was widowed twice before she found her current partner and was asked by many people for advice on meeting people and building new relationships. She realised that over the years she learned a lot about herself, about dating and about resilience as well as the more practical tools such as online dating so Francine her latest book Love After 50: How to find it, enjoy it and keep it, is designed to be both practical and psychologically helpful.

Studies have shown that love after 50 is more satisfying than at any other stage in life. Francine feels that people are more emotionally stable, more focused on the present and know not only what they have to have, but also what they can live without. Partnering is no longer about building a family, career and fortune. It’s about sharing intimacy as grounded individuals. And sex isn’t a pass or fail anymore, but about becoming erotic friends.

Dating brings the opportunity to reconnect with people but before reconnecting with the active world and meeting new people, it’s essential to get over previous relationships. If people start dating when they’re bitter, angry or lack confidence it will never work. People need to be OK with themselves – to be comfortable with themselves and their life as a single person before they can start to build new relationships.

Using social media and online dating sites can be a good way to ‘try’ a relationship, and ‘catch and release’ so, if after a couple of months things aren’t working, it’s time to move on. Some people can tap into any neediness they perceive so it’s important to be sensible when judging potential partners and to remember that there may be feelings of rejection in some instances.

Francine feels that time negates relationships and that when we’re older there is a different structure to a relationship. The rest of life element can be more bittersweet. There may be more day-to-day time to share but the years together are limited so people often feel grateful for the time together and just let small annoyances go. 

Because they aren’t raising children or building a career, people tend to come together for love, companionship and mutual support. Some people choose to marry, others live together or live apart. Some see their children and friends together and build a joint social life whilst others keep their lives separate and simply spend the time they want to together. There can be some problems if children are unhappy or unsure about a parent building a new relationship so it’s better to start with limited expectations about blending families. It’s not essential to work as a unit, just decide what to do together and what to do apart and to understand what’s important and what’s not

 You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Francine here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Francine’s book Love after 50 is available here.

Moving on from gambling addiction. The importance of love and support.

Patrick Chester started gambling in his late 20s. It was something he grew up with and it was portrayed as something that was commonplace. Initially it was a fun activity, something he did with his with friends. He was in his early 30’s when he got married to Erica in 2006 and it was after this that his gambling led him to start making bad choices, hide things from Erica and lie to cover up his gambling.

Over the first nine years of their marriage there was a slow progression of the lies and deception. Patrick was working for himself as a contractor and he started using the money he made and also borrowed more money to feed his gambling habit. In 2015 Erica’s family found out what was going on and got involved by arranging an intervention with a moderator. Patrick then went into treatment for a month and shortly afterwards had to go to jail for some crimes he had committed to feed his addiction.

Erica feels she has learned a lot the last six years. She had no idea gambling was an addiction and was not willing to give up when she learned how sick Patrick was and how he wanted to get better. She couldn't throw the towel in knowing it was addiction that was causing him to be sick and not reckless behaviour.

Often it is not just the addict who carries guilt or shame. It is only recently that Erica learnt to let go of a lot of this – should she have asked more questions, investigated more or not believed his stories. When they first met they had a lot of things in common - sports and the outdoors and she had no reason not to trust him. When she found out about the gambling she felt duped and angry but when she looked back she realised there were some missed red flags – some times her debit card didn’t work but Patrick would always have a reason for it and she believed him. The problem would be fixed but should she have demanded proof or better answers?

Patrick never came clean with Erica, rather he sent an email to another family member. Erica had a call from her Dad saying he needed to see her urgently because he had found out that Patrick had a really bad gambling addiction, they weren’t sure how bad it was but they were leaving now and meeting an interventionist. Erica had no control over anything as everything she knew came from a third party.

Her family put an intervention in place in 24 hours and the family met with the interventionist the day prior to the intervention. Erica doesn’t remember very much about it. She was in complete shock and very emotional. The interventionist explained about addictions, what it does to the body and brain and what would happen the next day. They all had to write a letter to Patrick saying that if you don't choose this lifeline, there is no place for you. It was a massive ultimatum. When he arrived Patrick realised what was going to happen. Once he got over his initial reaction he felt a huge sense of relief that things where coming to a head – he was ready for it.

Erica is indebted to her family. It was very surreal with everyone coming together. They were angry but they put that to one side and focused on fixing Patrick even without knowing the full extent of the problem. The focus was ‘lets get this figured out and get him fixed’. Once he had gone into treatment everything started to come out which for Erica was terrifying. She didn’t know the extent of what Patrick had done and he had used her social security number for fraudulent purposes and she was left to deal with everything. All her family were involved along with three different lawyers but it still took weeks to sort things out.

It has taken a very long time for Erica to forgive Patrick. Through counselling, Gam anon and researching the subject she managed to separate the person from the addiction – the person she married was not the person who did those things – but there was so much anger and hurt sometimes she thought it was all too difficult.

In the beginning she was very vigilant and almost paranoid but the more Patrick showed he was on the right path the more trust there was. They improved their communication style and she took charge of all their finances. Now she thinks that Patrick has done so many good things through his recovery that there is too much to risk. Patrick felt that the first couple of years were very difficult and frustrating at times but if he took a step back he realised that he had a chance to regain Erica’s trust. Now he feels they have built trust and transparency in life.

Erica feels that Gam anon was really helpful. She needed to know she was not the only one and relate to people going through the same things. This along with the specialist addiction therapist she worked with formed the basis of the team she built around her. She feels the most important ways of supporting someone with a gambling addiction is to educate yourself, don’t give up, to surround yourself with people who love and support you and not to make judgments. Patrick feels that when someone is in a gambling frenzy the most important thing is to tell someone that you are struggling - the disease will progress and won’t go away on its own. You need help and talking about it is the first step.

He also recommends that anyone who feels they has a problem gets in touch with Gamblers Anonymous and the National Suicide Prevention line in US or the Samaritans in UK.

You may also be able to access help in the UK at https://www.okrehab.org/

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Erica and Patrick here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Living Love. Summers at Camp Jabberwocky.

Dr Steven Gardner is a Primary Care Internist at Massachusetts General Hospital where he works with adults with a range of issues. For the last twenty-five years he has also worked during the summer at Camp Jabberwocky, a special camp in Martha’s Vineyard for people with a range of abilities and disabilities. He was introduced to the camp through his son Graham who was born with Cerebral Palsy. Graham was unable to speak or to walk and needed help with everything but he was accepted as a camper at Camp Jabberwocky and Steven became a camp doctor. For thirteen years they spent summers with an eclectic group of campers and volunteers who formed a very unique family with and without disabilities who come together in the summer time in a beautiful place to live together and care about each other.

Cerebral Palsy or CP encompasses a wide range of brain and nervous issues that can range from mild to severe. Someone with a more mild form might have a limp but would be able to function perfectly well in other areas whilst a more severe form can damage the brain more profoundly would mean someone would be unable to speak, be in a wheelchair and need assisted technology and other people to help them physically although they are cognitively absolutely fine. In the past it was thought that CP was caused by birth trauma but now it’s more likely that its due to a problem such as a toxin or virus that occurs during pregnancy and is generally completely unknown to the mother.

Steven’s son Graham possessed an inherent dignity and radiance. He was never resentful and radiated kindness and love. He lived 22 years and passed away just before his 23rd birthday from an epileptic seizure when he was swimming in a pool with his father. After his death, the family received around 1500 condolence cards and they began to realise how Graham had touched a lot of people along the way – they had taken care of him but he had given them something back. His legacy was one of love and kindness, that we support one another, that we are one family and community and don't leave anybody behind.

Camp Jabberwocky was one of the first sleep over camps for people with serious disabilities. In 1953, UK actress Helen Lamb was working in Massachusetts as a speech therapist. She had to visit a number of children who were in wheelchairs and it made her angry that they had to spend summers indoors so she decided to take a few children to a place where they could spend the summer doing the things able bodies children did. She found an island 6 miles away from Cape Cod and in the summer of 1953 took 3 kids and 1 helper away for the first time. She didn’t really have a plan and had little money but did possess a belief that it was all going to work out. 68 years later it is part of the fabric of the area.

Helen created something really special. As well as the idea that love can abound and be shared, the camp works around fun and laughter. Laughter is an important part of resilience – it reduces stress the hormones and elevates the feel good hormones. Laughter also increases humanity and hierarchy quickly dissolves when you have fun with each other - Steven quickly became Dr Steve to everyone at the camp!

Most parents don’t stay at the camp but Steven was obviously an exception because of his role. As well as providing first aid for day-to-day cuts and bruises, Steven had to monitor all the serious underlying health issues that the campers but he was still able to go on adventures with his son and engross himself into the rhythms of the camp as a dad and doctor.

After Graham’s death the most difficult decision for Steven was whether to return to the camp. It would be painful without Graham but Steven knew that by going back to that special place and family, they would be loved and supported. Steven doesn’t know the reason Helen had in naming the camp but he thinks of it as a philosophy of living – to have open hearts and open minds, to embrace each other’s differences, to support each other, to laugh and create together and even to cry and argue together. This is what’s known as Jabberwocky love and every years when the campers and volunteers go back home they are always leave with the question - why cant the real world be more like Camp Jabberwocky?

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Steven here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Graham’s life and Camp Jabberwocky are the inspiration and location that Steven celebrates in his book  Jabberwocky: Lessons of Love from a Boy Who Never Spoke 

You can find out more at Jabberwockybook.com.