Buddhism to navigate grief and loss

Kimberly Brown is a meditation teacher and author and leads classes and retreats that emphasise the power of compassion and kindness meditation to reconnect us to ourselves and to each other. Her teachings provide an approachable pathway to personal and collective wellbeing through effective and modern techniques based on traditional practices. She studies in both the Tibetan and Insight schools of Buddhism and is a certified mindfulness instructor.

Kimberly came to these practices after she struggled with panic attacks and other anxiety issues herself. She had a lot of therapy which was helpful and then found meditation and that acted as a complement to the earlier work.

The difference between the Buddhist and non-Buddhist traditions of meditation is that in the Buddhist practice there are also teachings that align with the meditation practices. These teachings are simply encouragement to understand reality, that all of us will get older, get sick and die, that we all have struggles and that nothing is permanent. This emphasis on seeing reality can be useful in alleviating the suffering that comes from wanting things to be different than they are.

There are some similarities between the Buddhist and Stoic views. One of the distinctions though is that Buddhism doesn't suggest that the fact we are going to get older, get sick and die is terrible and that we have to just ‘suck it up’. Buddhism says ‘well that s OK’ and once we know and understand that, we can live a very happy life with less resistance or things that we don't want.

Buddhists also approach grief and loss in a different way. The traditional westernised view is that it’s something that's not talked about, something that’s slightly embarrassing and that if we talk about it, it might happen sooner. Buddhism seems to integrate ‘passing on’ in a more obvious way so people are less ashamed to talk about it and to remind ourselves that life is brief and that we can use our words and actions to benefit ourselves and other’s. In the US there is a struggle to know how to grieve and how to talk about it. There is a superstition about it so people who are grieving have little access to tools to help them develop resilience in the face of that change.

Death is a natural part of our cycle and there are many different Buddhist views of what happens after death. Some like the Tibetan tradition really emphasise the idea of reincarnation - that we all have many incarnations as different insect’s animals and people and that we will again. Others such as the Japanese Zen tradition don’t have an answer for it.

Although we would not wish grief of suffering on anyone it is in the nature of life. It is neither good nor bad. It is the nature of being human and being able to be able to know that you might choose to live your life a little differently having realised how precious it is and what is really important to you.

In the Buddhist view there is an idea that is similar to psychological safety. They feel that each of us can become a reliable support for ourselves and that most of us learn this from the outside world – getting what we want, depending on someone else, managing or controlling everything that happens outside – and that somehow we can create a situation where we are going to be safe. We can do this to a certain degree but we are still going to get older, may lose our job or get divorced etc. The idea in Buddhism is to use the tools and practices it teaches such as compassion and wisdom to create a refuge in your own self. To start to develop a way to have resilience, to have tools as we are trying to control people and circumstances, almost all of which aren’t in our control.

The Buddhist tradition is to develop our minds so we have the ability to not get lost and develop the compassion to each other. Both mediation and compassion are processes and wisdom is an output of these but you can also cultivate wisdom. From the Buddhist view, wisdom is not just knowledge, it’s being able to ascertain and meet what’s happening in each moment and being able to meet it with an appropriate response and a beneficial action.

Resilience is a process that allows you to bounce forward and not just back every time there is a setback in life. An inherent part of the resilience process is learning. The easiest way to develop wisdom is to start to learn mindfulness, to be able to be present in what is in your senses and your thoughts. If you can practice this for a short time you will very clearly start to see the truth of life – that everything is impermanent. You hear a sound and it goes away, an emotion comes that goes away to. Everything is constantly changing so you start to see that wisdom of impermanence; you also start to see the wisdom of your own neediness, greed, dislike and disillusion to see the biases of the mind.

Finally, you start to see who you are. Someone who is constantly receiving information, creating ideas and thoughts and in each moment this is ever changing. We have the possibility of lessening our suffering and walking through the world in a way that is more beneficial to ourselves and others.

Kimberly’s new book is Navigating Grief And Loss: 25 Buddhist Practices to Keep Your Heart Open to Yourself and Others 

 You can learn more about Kimberly at her website, www.meditationwithheart.com. 

    You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
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Creation Spirituality – Creativity, compassion and justice

Matthew Fox is a spiritual theologian, an Episcopal priest and an activist for gender, racial and eco- justice. He has written more than 39 books that have been translated into over 60 languages. As founder of the University of Creation Spirituality in California and The Cosmic Mass, he conducts dozens of workshops each year and is a visiting scholar at the Academy for the Love of Learning. He is the recipient of many awards including: The Abbey Courage of Conscience Peace Award. Recent projects include Order of the Sacred Earth and Daily Meditations with Matthew Fox as well as The Cosmic Mass. 

In 1993 he was expelled from the Dominican order of the Catholic church after 34 years, by Cardinal Ratzinger (later Pope Benedict XVI). His mistake was reviving Creation Spirituality, which decries original sin (the doctrine that we’re all born sinners) in favor of Everyone Born is a Blessing and all of creation being an original blessing.  Creation Spirituality blends teachings from the Christian mystics with science, the arts, social justice, environmentalism, and ideas from other spiritual traditions worldwide (including those of indigenous cultures). He then became an Episcopal priest on the basis that he wanted to work with young people to bring life back to ritual and worship.

Matthew feels the difference between spirituality and religion is that religion has evolved to become mostly about social structures whereas spirituality is the essence of the inner work that we do. Awe and wonder at the joy of living, grief and suffering, silence and creativity. We need creativity to help us find some balance in our lives, compassion and justice. A lot of people want these things but don't want to go through the church to find them. Religion comes and goes in different eras or moments in time and at certain points in the west has become linked to empire building and politics but spirituality is the essence.

Nowadays we can’t take things like clean air or clean water for granted. A return to a sense of the sacred is at the heart of spirituality. We need to learn and appreciate the simple but necessary things in life. The natural environment and nature are sacred and the indigenous people know this. More people though are now finding that nature is a gift as science is telling us there is no planet that is as hospitable, beautiful or diverse as earth

We have come through lockdown and started to realise that human beings are social animals and need to collaborate but we now seem to be going in the opposite direction and starting to fight and fall out with each other. We seem to have lost the sense of community that spiritualism and belief can give us. There was a shared consciousness that religion gave us through the symbol of going to church. It is having a shared ethic or view of the world that helps hold a community together.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more at www.matthewfox.org or www.dailymeditationswithmatthewfox.org

Living Love. Summers at Camp Jabberwocky.

Dr Steven Gardner is a Primary Care Internist at Massachusetts General Hospital where he works with adults with a range of issues. For the last twenty-five years he has also worked during the summer at Camp Jabberwocky, a special camp in Martha’s Vineyard for people with a range of abilities and disabilities. He was introduced to the camp through his son Graham who was born with Cerebral Palsy. Graham was unable to speak or to walk and needed help with everything but he was accepted as a camper at Camp Jabberwocky and Steven became a camp doctor. For thirteen years they spent summers with an eclectic group of campers and volunteers who formed a very unique family with and without disabilities who come together in the summer time in a beautiful place to live together and care about each other.

Cerebral Palsy or CP encompasses a wide range of brain and nervous issues that can range from mild to severe. Someone with a more mild form might have a limp but would be able to function perfectly well in other areas whilst a more severe form can damage the brain more profoundly would mean someone would be unable to speak, be in a wheelchair and need assisted technology and other people to help them physically although they are cognitively absolutely fine. In the past it was thought that CP was caused by birth trauma but now it’s more likely that its due to a problem such as a toxin or virus that occurs during pregnancy and is generally completely unknown to the mother.

Steven’s son Graham possessed an inherent dignity and radiance. He was never resentful and radiated kindness and love. He lived 22 years and passed away just before his 23rd birthday from an epileptic seizure when he was swimming in a pool with his father. After his death, the family received around 1500 condolence cards and they began to realise how Graham had touched a lot of people along the way – they had taken care of him but he had given them something back. His legacy was one of love and kindness, that we support one another, that we are one family and community and don't leave anybody behind.

Camp Jabberwocky was one of the first sleep over camps for people with serious disabilities. In 1953, UK actress Helen Lamb was working in Massachusetts as a speech therapist. She had to visit a number of children who were in wheelchairs and it made her angry that they had to spend summers indoors so she decided to take a few children to a place where they could spend the summer doing the things able bodies children did. She found an island 6 miles away from Cape Cod and in the summer of 1953 took 3 kids and 1 helper away for the first time. She didn’t really have a plan and had little money but did possess a belief that it was all going to work out. 68 years later it is part of the fabric of the area.

Helen created something really special. As well as the idea that love can abound and be shared, the camp works around fun and laughter. Laughter is an important part of resilience – it reduces stress the hormones and elevates the feel good hormones. Laughter also increases humanity and hierarchy quickly dissolves when you have fun with each other - Steven quickly became Dr Steve to everyone at the camp!

Most parents don’t stay at the camp but Steven was obviously an exception because of his role. As well as providing first aid for day-to-day cuts and bruises, Steven had to monitor all the serious underlying health issues that the campers but he was still able to go on adventures with his son and engross himself into the rhythms of the camp as a dad and doctor.

After Graham’s death the most difficult decision for Steven was whether to return to the camp. It would be painful without Graham but Steven knew that by going back to that special place and family, they would be loved and supported. Steven doesn’t know the reason Helen had in naming the camp but he thinks of it as a philosophy of living – to have open hearts and open minds, to embrace each other’s differences, to support each other, to laugh and create together and even to cry and argue together. This is what’s known as Jabberwocky love and every years when the campers and volunteers go back home they are always leave with the question - why cant the real world be more like Camp Jabberwocky?

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Steven here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Graham’s life and Camp Jabberwocky are the inspiration and location that Steven celebrates in his book  Jabberwocky: Lessons of Love from a Boy Who Never Spoke 

You can find out more at Jabberwockybook.com. 

Compassion in the workplace

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled – Compassion in the workplace.

In this episode, Dr. Russell Thackeray talks to Nate Regier who is the CEO and founding owner of Next Element Consulting, a global leadership firm dedicated to bringing compassion into the workplace. Nate is a former practicing psychologist and expert in social-emotional intelligence, interpersonal communication, and leadership.

Nate is now based in Kansas but originally was from the mid west. His parents were famers but decided to become missionaries so in the early 70’s Nate was living in Africa.  He spent his early childhood Zaire which is now the Democratic Republic of Congo and went to high school in Botswana in the 1980s. Nate feels that by travelling around at such a young age he learned to adapt and became very used to different cultures which has given him a different perspective of what its like to live in America now. He also believes that Africa was where the seeds of compassion were sowed in him Nate struggles with the traditional stereotypes of compassion such as Gandhi and Mother Theresa. He feels compassion is more than empathy. The Latin meaning of compassion is to suffer with – to have active engagement not just empathy.

Nate feels that conflict is a natural product of diversity - because we are different there will be conflict. Conflict is the energy created from diversity and means we have choices and opportunities and enables us to thrive and innovate. The only question is how will we use the energy of conflict?  A lot of conflict energy is spent in drama. In the drama triangle there are three roles – persecutor, victim and rescuer. The three roles can be quite fluid, with people moving between them and when people play these roles they feed off each other which distracts energy from well laid plans.

Nate originally trained as a clinical psychologist but felt it did not really suit him. He preferred more dynamic things such as coaching, consultancy, training and writing so, with some partners, he set up Next Element in 2008. Their aim was to take what they had learned in the social sciences field and apply it to the corporate world through leadership and development training and coaching programmes.

Many consultants in this field tend to play rescuer role – they know what’s wrong and have the solutions but if it doesn’t work its not their fault – it failed because you didn't do what they advised.  They actually set you up for failure and dependence. Nate feels that the goal is capability, self-confidence and independence but that all coaching relationship have a natural life and the coach and coachee need to know either can walk away from the relationship. Nate feels many consultants work to become needed rather than effective which is why he has developed certification programmes to impart knowledge which allows the company to carry on without him.

Nate views leadership as the practice of managing diversity towards shared goals.  Diversity is necessary as it provides the perspective we need so leaders need to cultivate a skill set to manage diversity whilst working towards shared goals. Two of the most essential competences needed to achieve this are communication and conflict management skills. Not everyone can clearly see a path so leaders need to translate the plan so everyone can understand – leaders need to have vision and strategy but also the human capital to go forward.

Nate’s latest book is called Seeing People Through and is about personality differences and inclusion through the Process Communication Model, a behavioural communication model that teaches people how to assess, connect, motivate, and resolve conflict by understanding the personality types that make up a person’s whole self.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Nate here. Our previous podcast episodes and upcoming guest list are also available.

You can find out more about Nate here.