Overt or covert? Spot the narcissist in your workplace.

Most people find that their relationships with work colleagues have a huge affect on their wellbeing. Toxic relationships can lead to anxiety and depression and this can be particularly noticeable if you are working with a narcissist. But narcissist is a wide-ranging term that describes many different people who possess similar traits but who demonstrate different behaviours at different times. Generally though narcissists are thought of as incredibly self- centred with no consideration for the feelings and needs of others. While many narcissists do behave this way, there are many other who exhibit completely different behaviours that make them far more difficult to spot.

Two of the better-known types of narcissism are overt and covert. Whilst both share the same behaviours - a lack of empathy, a need for admiration, feelings of inadequacy, a desire to control others and low self-esteem – they are expressed completely differently in their outward actions. Overt narcissists are very easy to spot because they display all the traits we typically associate with narcissism. They’re very vocal, constantly telling everyone how great they are, how everyone else has failed and being completely insensitive to the needs of others. A covert narcissist however is less obvious, they’re more reserved and introverted so are difficult to spot because they hide behind a mask of sensitivity and vulnerability.

Narcissism is all about control and manipulation For example, narcissists always shift blame onto their teammates and an overt narcissist will do this by criticising and taking every opportunity to tell you where you went wrong and how everything is your fault. Covert narcissists however use a more passive form of manipulation, creating confusion by implying you forgot something or remembered it incorrectly and using their workmates to supply constant re-assurance about their skills and talents.

Outwardly, overt and covert narcissists appear to be very different but as well as sharing the same insecurities, they exercise the same narcissistic behaviours and blame-shifting, projection and gaslighting are just some of the forms of control and manipulation they use. Whether you’re dealing with an overt or covert narcissist, being aware of their traits means you’ll be better placed to protect yourself and set some boundaries in place to deal with their dysfunction.

A blueprint for life. Moving on from extreme narcissism.

Derek Newborn is the owner of a worldwide online health and fitness coaching programme that focuses on the mind body and spirit. He has also set up a website, thenewbornblueprint.com which aims to help men who have had massive emotional setbacks and want to reclaim their truth and connection to the world.

Derek initially worked as a personal trainer and built a highly successful personal training business. He was then discovered by a modelling agency and became a fitness model but the further he went down that path, the more he lost himself emotionally and mentally. His relationships with his friends and family went down and it seemed that the more successful he appeared externally and the more recognition he got for his physical appearance, the more the emotional and mental aspects of his life went in the opposite direction. He suffered from a massive clinical depression, two suicide attempts and as he went through that journey, he realised he had become a narcissist.

Derek felt he had lost himself. He had always had a vision of how his life would be and that he would like to make a successful career in the fitness world. He achieved that, his partner at the time was his ‘dream girl’ so on paper he had everything he thought he needed and wanted. On the inside though personal issues from his past meant he felt extremely empty. He used self-sabotaging behaviours, cheating, lying and hurting the people he loved the most to try to find the peaceful feeling he felt he was missing. The only thing he was concerned about was filling the emptiness so although on outside everything seemed great but on the inside he was disconnected.

Derek feels his feeling of emptiness stems from abandonment issues from his childhood. This fear outweighed any love he had for his family and partner so he was just focused on not being abandoned. The process of not being abandonment however actually pushes people away through his self sabotaging behaviours, Derek created everything to was trying to avoid.

At the same time he realised he had become a narcissist. Everything was about him and making himself feel good. A narcissist isn’t concerned about taking advantage of other people, they are self-centred and don’t worry about the repercussions or damage they create. Derek started to work on his narcissism initially by addressing his abandonment issues. He had to connect himself to his truth and believe that no matter who comes and goes in his life, no matter what his financial situation is, he is not going to be abandoned

In the past if relationships broke down Derek would just go out and find somebody to entertain him but now he is able to do things alone and can be happy and content with himself. He had to be honest with people about why he did or said things and from there it was about reverse engineering everything that he had done. After his first suicide attempt he had to go though some therapy and has since done several different versions of conventional therapy. He found that the most effective therapy for him was reconnecting with his past traumas and working through them. He felt therapy kept reliving the bad things and it was hard to see himself as a new person if he kept reliving the past.

Derek built his website thenewbornblueprint.com for modern men. Derek defines a modern man as somebody who is comfortable with themselves and knows exactly who he is. He feels that modern society makes it easy for a man to lose himself and that it’s more about keeping you controlled as a man. It is rare for a man to talk about struggling mentally or of being a narcissist and things like social media are easy to get wrapped up in. A modern man takes ownership of the good and bad in his life and is always trying to improve it

Derek believes its harder than ever for a man to be a true man, especially in America where people think of men as being very macho, very brave, of working super hard and being tough. Many women now exhibit more of these characteristics and abilities which makes it difficult for men to cover off or invent a new set of purposes for themselves. The Blueprint is also for partners so they can better prepare themselves and understand that no one is born a narcissist, that things have to happen and people show up in their lives to strengthen the characteristics.

Health and fitness is incorporated into Derek’s approach. He feels that if you are severely out of shape or not physically confident it can be hard to be mentally confident. Originally his programme focused just on physical fitness but he soon realised how much of an emotional and mental attachment there is to the fitness journey. Derek feels that if men want to be successful in relationships they have to be completely connected to their truth. He thinks that every man has a purpose and as they go through life their truth gets blurred and they lose themselves. They go through life unfulfilled because they aren’t aligned with their truth and sometimes get so far away they don't even want to face that part of their truth. They then coast though, knowing that they aren’t living at their full potential but too scared to go down what can be a lonely road.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Derek here.. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Derek at https://www.thenewbornblueprint.com/