What relationships need to succeed. Communication, learning and resilience.

Kathryn Ford has been practicing psychotherapy for over 20 years. She now specialises in working with couples and other relationships having realised the importance of relationships and that she could do a better job if she had the whole relationship in the room rather than a single piece of it.

Kathryn feels being in a couple is very natural but that it’s also very natural to have difficulty being in a couple. Statistics show that about 75% of all human beings will attempt to be in a couple or major relationship at some point and, as Kathryn says, these relationships are the major way we continue to grow as adults.

When people make the mistake of thinking that the relationship is difficult because there is something wrong,  wrong with one of them, wrong with the relationship or that they are the wrong match, what’s really going on is that there is a lot of learning to be done and it takes a while to figure out how to do that.

Kathyrn feels that realising that being in a relationship is the single most important thing you can do for your own happiness and that pursuing your own happiness separately doesn't usually result in happiness. Some people ask her what is the most Important thing to look for in a partner and she thinks that we need to look for someone who likes to learn and is interested in learning because most of what you will need to do with this person is to learn together.

People often look for a type of person for a relationship without understanding what a type is and how restrictive that is. You could also look at there being different relationships for different stages in life. In the same way a company grows, relationships can have their entrepreneurial, start up and acquisition phases. The need is always to figure out how to learn together because relationships can run their course if you don't keep doing this.

Children can change relationships. In previous generations children were not at the centre of the parental relationship but in many cases now that is completely reversed. Couples need to realise that they have to prioritise their child’s health and wellbeing but that the learning for that child will come from how well they do as a couple. The main task of the family is to help the children learn to be with other people but how can you help your child learn how to relate if you’re not doing a good job of that yourself? There needs to be a emphasis on the couple. Previously families were larger social groups and there were a lot of people around to help each other. These days its more likely that two adults are trying to raise their children so the quality of their relationship makes the difference in sustaining the energy needed for the demands of being a parent. This highlights how couples need resilience. We need to face our battles together, help each other as we fail and bounce forward and learn from the experience.

Kathryn feels that the type of conversation that many couples have does not help. Often it boils down to a debate, a checking in about who knows what and whose ideas are better. What’s needed is an enlivened conversation that builds resilience and allows both people to explore and learn together. They can then move out of an adversarial mindset to a place where they can learn and be resilient together. Kathryn feels learning is the most important thing that a couple needs to do. A relationship can be demanding and needs energy and an inspiring vision, something to aim for that learning can be added to. The vision is what you’re going to learn to do together not who you already are when you start the relationship. Relationships do through different stages and this can bring different aspirations - one person moves forwards and leaves the other one behind.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Kathryn and her work at her website including details about her new course starting this month with Stanford Continuing Studies .

Welcome to 2022!

Well, after what’s been a long year, an exciting year and for many, a challenging year, we’ve made through 2021. Whilst some people found it a tricky year to navigate, others found it a lot easier, but however we got through 2021, its what we do next that matters.

2022 has all the makings of being a fascinating year, a pivotal year and what’s needed is the mindset to make the most of it. A lot of people start the New Year by drawing up a set of resolutions but don't build the plan with the means to achieve it. Without a breakdown that takes you from the beginning to the end you’re set up to fail.  

Writing resolutions can though be more of a bigger picture exercise. Using something like the Wheel of Life can help you look forward to the future in 10, 20 or 30 years time. By looking at things like where am I going to be psychologically, in my career, financially, or relationship wise, you can see the bigger picture that can then help you figure out resolutions for the short term.  Of course, if our goals aren’t long term enough or ambitious enough, our resolutions can sometimes become trite and meaningless so don't grip our imaginations. For 2022 why not tackle your resolutions differently – put a plan together for the whole year … with a reward attached when you achieve it.

Another option is to forget goals and resolutions and sit down and review the previous year. Figure out the things you want to stop, start and continue. Look at where you’re going and what you can stop doing. You’re probably not setting goals or resolutions based on what went before so look at what you want to do more of and what you want to do less of or stop doing. We’re all guilty of taking on more and more, whether it’s work or social commitments and we don't think about what we can mindfully remove from our lives.

The idea of stop, start and continue is very simple but it mind give you a better idea of how 2022 might find into the general direction of things. Maybe 2022 can be the year you can really sort out where you are going. Work-wise, it might be a case of asking yourself whether your work still has purpose and meaning? Is it where I want to be? The future of work is changing and the rebalancing of the labour market and the way we are working means there is the opportunity to make changes.

Some people have already made considerable changes, moving from the idea of financial reward to that of seeing a tangible outcome. This year there is the potential to ask ‘do I really want this or am I just doing it for for the money’. Four criteria you could use to look at your job are whether it brings money, intellectual challenge, fun or achievement. If you’re not getting any of these from your role it’s possible that it’s total lack of meaning and interest could lead to burnout. Ask yourself what do I want from this year? If you don't know what you want, reverse it and ask what don't I want? What is the purpose and meaning of work in your life? How important is it in the scheme of things. Remember your focus will change at different stages in your life. You could also try to write a bucket list, bunches of different ideas and things you haven’t tried. We can easily get stuck in a rut doing the things we always do and finding meaning is not always about having things or going places rather finding happiness in what we do.

2022 is about change. The culture of organisations, the world economy and coming out of Covid will all lead to change which in turn will creates opportunities … and risks. The more we can plan for the future, the less anxious you will feel about it. Once you’ve worked out what you want or don't want to do you can apply self-discipline and focus to achieve it.  Here’s where it can go wrong through. Sometimes we get distracted by things that give us a greater or short- term reward or procrastinate too long so we miss the discipline of long-term goals.

Whatever the root-cause of your distraction, take away the decisions and just go out and do it! Dump the rules and just make choices. Decide what you want and then go out and do it. Chose to do one thing, enjoy it then choose something else to do the next day. Choices are what help’s us to make the life we want. Decision fatigue comes from having too many decisions to make so in a way it’s easier to say no to everything rather than having to challenge ourselves by making lots of small decisions.

Maybe we should make 2022 a year of choice. Whether we choose to be different, choose to get something special for ourselves, choose to deliver more than we think we can, the first choice we need to make is to have a plan behind us!

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

The learning is in the journey. Resolving conflict between teens and their families.

Valerie Canino works with parents and their teens to help them focus on resolving conflict and set goals to help create a success path.

Valerie doesn't consider teens a troublesome category to work with. She finds them very enlightening, feels they have a lot of wisdom and that they are misunderstood a lot.  The teen years are challenging. It’s a growth period and a stage in their life where they are learning much of what they’ll take into adult life - exploring and experiencing friendships and relationships as well as having academic pressures.

Much of Valerie’s work revolves around creating a strong connection between parents and their teens. This is a period of life when teens really need their parents. She feels that some teens struggle especially when making decisions and solving problems. She often finds when coaching teens that they want to do well and be resilient but they don't know how to do well. They get stuck and her coaching helps them get unstuck and find the answers.

Often they get stuck because of outside influences such as social media, which make them feel they are on the outside. Their own parents have expectations and want them to be successful but this looks different for every family. Teachers and other adults in their world can also add to the pressure by making them feel powerless and that they don’t have a voice – why say anything, why do anything if you’re not going to be listened to?

Nowadays teens aren’t really trained to think critically. Critical thinking programmes don't feature in the education process any more as schools especially are set up to get students through subjects. Critical thinking is essential though in helping teens work through a problem, realise what is going to move them forward and help them get the result they want. Schools can’t be responsible for everything so its up to parents to be responsible for the provision of a parent model. This can have a huge influence on kids. A parent helping guide their child through making a decision is extremely powerful but a lot of the times Valerie finds that although great strides have been made on parenting there is still some thinking in society that adults know best. It’s up to the parent to create a connection and allow their child to make mistakes and decisions and to figure out their own path

Being a guide is about creating a connection and allowing the teen to have their voice and express themselves. Letting them be who they want to be, focusing on the good and positive, having an open dialogue and parenting from within. Instead of telling them what to do, parents should be helping them figure out what to do. Parents may not like the decision but once the choice has been made the decision is owned. This experience of owning that choice allows them to learn and teaches responsibility and consequence all of which is very empowering.

There are several different styles of parenting which work for different ages but Valerie helps parents develop their parenting instincts so they don’t come from their head, ego anger and fears, but from their own instinct for what they think is best for their teen. They are listening within rather than taking on outside influences. Part of being a parent is setting rules and structures but there is also a need to allow teens to have an opinion and for this to be discussed freely. They need to be able to balance their expectations by setting their goal and having a plan to achieve it but also being open to other options in case it doesn't work out. The focus may be on the end result but a lot of the learning is in the journey. It's the plan, the need to execute the plan, to get things wrong but then having the resilience to move forwards.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Valerie and her work at https://valeriecanino.com/ She is also the author of the upcoming guide Surviving to Thriving and the owner of the non-profit Mission A-Teenable, Inc., which seeks to offer coaching to teens at a low cost.

Time to invest in ourselves.

Dr Russell Thackeray’s podcast from December 2020 talks about the rather strange circumstances we found ourselves in 2020 and how we could launch ourselves into 2021. Unfortunately, much of this is still very relevant to the uncertain times we find ourselves in again this year so we thought it could be useful to return to it. In this podcast:

There is no doubt that during 2020 we’ve seen the best - and the worst of people in the work environment. There have been tales of heroism and triumph. People who haven’t worked for a large part of the year have had to deal with the economic and mental health issues that brings whilst others have worked relentlessly and tirelessly with the possibility of burnout hitting at some point. People have moved from big, open plan offices with the support, and problems, that brings to the challenge of working at home, sometimes in an environment really not suited to work!

The one thing we can bring out of the whole situation is the importance of resilience. We have seen that people can whether the storm, they can keep going and even thrive but its important to realise that they can’t keep going forever. At this time of year we all really need to do one (or both) of two things:

·      Stop and rejuvanate ourselves or

·      Invest in ourselves to plan forward.

Firstly, we need to really stop and look at what we’re doing. Remember we’re on holiday so turn off the work mobile, don't look at the emails and don’t start on the presentation needed in the New Year. We have to have a break to renew. Try some meditation or breathing exercises, have some long, relaxing baths or get out for some walks in the countryside.

Stopping will also help you to think forward. If you feel stuck or aren’t happy then start planning! There are a huge number of free learning courses online to help obtain some new skills. Alternatively, check out the Wheel of Life, which can help us think and project forward through categories such as career, relationships finance and happiness. It will also highlight the fact that at different points in our lives, different things are important. For example, at the moment you may be prepared to work hard because its getting you where you want to go but alternatively, you might be coming to a point where you’re working equally hard but you realise it’s not giving you what you need so it’s time to stop and think about what you really want.

Once we stop we can then start to invest in ourselves. We can begin by being more mindful about the way we engage with ourselves, our partners and our friends and family and the time we dedicate to them. We can look at our immune system and the nutrients and vitamins it needs to improve our sleep and help us generally feel better. We can also look at our work environment. We need to make sure we can move about freely, take time away from screens and build in proper breaks rather than just keeping going.

Rolling forward, it looks as if the seas will be a bit choppy so thinking about the narrative we use can help our mental state. If we think 2021 is going to be terrible we’ll spend our time dreading what’s to come whereas if we adopt more of a ‘what will be’ attitude we’ll be able to deal with situations a lot better. Plan some things that you can look forward to. Just the process of booking future holidays, family events or days out helps change our mental state. Remember how confirmation bias helps give us the things we believe in. If, on balance, we think 2021 will be a positive year it’s far more likely to happen if we tell ourselves it will. 

Our mental state can also be affected by the constant flow of social media. The dopamine surge when we get ‘liked’ on Facebook can be pretty addictive so we need to keep a healthy sense of perspective. The same is true about the media generally. We need to become more rationally pragmatic so we can make measured decisions about what we see and read.

Above all else, we need to be kind to ourselves. 2020 has been a year like no other and we all deserve some time and some self-care.

The only other thing to say is that we hope you have a happy and safe Christmas and we look forward to catching up with you again in 2022!

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

Understanding and dealing with conflict

Douglas E Noll or Doug Noll was born deaf, blind and unable to walk. He had four surgeries before he was three to enable him to walk and at school did not perform well until the fourth grade when a school nurse tested his vision and found he couldn't see.

Although he was raised in privilege and affluence, socially and emotionally had no support as his parents were distant and he was left to fend on his own. However, once he had glasses he did well at school, and high school, going on to Dartmouth College before attending law school in California. He initially worked for a judge before going into private practice to become a civil trial laywer. After twenty-two years, he went back to school to obtain a Masters in Peacemaking and Conflict Studies before quitting law practice in 2000 and becoming a peacemaker.

Doug now uses an advanced form of mediation to deal with conflict in law suits, litigation or disputes where people are so angry they would rather kill each other than sit down and talk! He helps to deescalate situations and calm people them down to help them work through the issues to build a durable peace. There are four basic ways to deal with human conflict. The first is coercion where one person tells the other person what to do. The second is litigation where you go to an outside authority such as a judge or arbitrator who has the power to decide whats going to happen. The third way is to go to mediation which allows the parties involved to still have the power to resolve the issue themselves but with an outside person to help them through a process that allows them to focus on the situation. The last way is negotiation. Most situations are resolved in this way but people often want to revert to coercion if they get too upset. Whatever the size of a dispute, the issue at hand is usually not the problem. Conflict generally arises because one or a combination of six needs are not being met. Doug calls these the Six Needs of Justice - Vengeance, Vindication, Validation, The need to be heard, The need to create meaning and The need for safety.

People generally prefer peace, and only involve conflict if they feel there is no other way to get resolution. As we don't like conflict we tend to avoid it so are not used to dealing with it when a major conflict occurs. Few people have any training in dealing with conflict and without it’s difficult to know how to deal with anger or upset without being triggered yourself. Listening other people is one of the key foundational skills of life because it helps in developing your own emotional database and is an antedote to getting upset or angry when someone starts yelling at you.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Doug here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Doug and his work at https://dougnoll.com/ HIs latest book is De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less

Taking charge of MS

Wendy Björk has been living with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) for over 35 years and now used her experience and knowledge to help people diagnosed with MS to know they have choices and that there is hope 

Wendy explains MS in terms of an electrical cord that you pull from the wall socket roughly too any times. The wires start to separate and the covering becomes damaged. The nerves in the body also have a covering and in MS, the cover is damaged or missing so when the brain tries to signal the body the signals are missed or not received correctly - the body still works but not at 100%.

In the US there is some discussion as to whether MS is genetic, There is no diagnosed MS in Wendy’s family but her grandmother had what was thought to be very bad arthritis and could barely walk and Wendy feels there may also have been an element of MS in this.

Often MS starts with quite small things that could be attributed to many other illnesses. It took six years for Wendy to be fully diagnosed. She started suffering from symptoms when she was fifteen or sixteen. When she got out of a hot bath her legs felt like ‘spaghetti’ and were useless. She mentioned this to her doctor during her annual physical but he didn’t seem to think it unusual so she kept ignoring it. It kept happening and then she started to get numbness and tingling in her feet.

Every case is different but it often starts with the extremities of the body. Wendy feels you should look for non- connected experiences. She first saw a neurologist when she was working at he first job in an insurance office. It was a very busy and stressful environment and one day she just couldn't speak. She thought she was having a stroke but in reality something in her brain wasn't connecting properly and in this instance it was her speech that was affected.

MS is a life limiting illness but people can choose how to look at it, deal with it and live with it. Treatment following a medical diagnosis will now often involve different infusions and medications that suppress or mask the symptoms. When Wendy was first diagnosed there were few medications available so she had to learn how to manage the things around her. She still feels this is a good step – alleviating stress, keeping calm and doing breathwork can all help in resetting your nervous system.

It can be very easy to go into a negative spiral. You can feel out of control because you can’t do anything about the diagnosis and slip into a depressive zone. It took Wendy a long time to navigate around it but she realised she was only 40 years old so needed to do something different. She considers herself very fortunate that her manager in her first job was very supportive. It was the early 90’s and he was very interested in self-development so sent her on a number of seminars and courses where she learnt how to take something and find a positive in it. Everyone is dealing with something and manipulating the way you use your brain can help deal not only with MS but also other illnesses or situations. 

In the US Wendy feels there are definite gaps in the care of MS.  A positive attitude is a good start but there are other aspects apart from mindset. There are many chemicals that can interfere with how your system functions so what you are eating, drinking and putting on your body is important in reducing the amount of inflammation in the body. A support circle and someone you can talk about your MS to is also important as is the home environment where things such as cleaning products can have an effect on your bodies system and how it functions.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Wendy here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Wendy and her work at Heartsofwellness.com and also download her free ebook ‘What is your body trying to tell you’.

A blueprint for life. Moving on from extreme narcissism.

Derek Newborn is the owner of a worldwide online health and fitness coaching programme that focuses on the mind body and spirit. He has also set up a website, thenewbornblueprint.com which aims to help men who have had massive emotional setbacks and want to reclaim their truth and connection to the world.

Derek initially worked as a personal trainer and built a highly successful personal training business. He was then discovered by a modelling agency and became a fitness model but the further he went down that path, the more he lost himself emotionally and mentally. His relationships with his friends and family went down and it seemed that the more successful he appeared externally and the more recognition he got for his physical appearance, the more the emotional and mental aspects of his life went in the opposite direction. He suffered from a massive clinical depression, two suicide attempts and as he went through that journey, he realised he had become a narcissist.

Derek felt he had lost himself. He had always had a vision of how his life would be and that he would like to make a successful career in the fitness world. He achieved that, his partner at the time was his ‘dream girl’ so on paper he had everything he thought he needed and wanted. On the inside though personal issues from his past meant he felt extremely empty. He used self-sabotaging behaviours, cheating, lying and hurting the people he loved the most to try to find the peaceful feeling he felt he was missing. The only thing he was concerned about was filling the emptiness so although on outside everything seemed great but on the inside he was disconnected.

Derek feels his feeling of emptiness stems from abandonment issues from his childhood. This fear outweighed any love he had for his family and partner so he was just focused on not being abandoned. The process of not being abandonment however actually pushes people away through his self sabotaging behaviours, Derek created everything to was trying to avoid.

At the same time he realised he had become a narcissist. Everything was about him and making himself feel good. A narcissist isn’t concerned about taking advantage of other people, they are self-centred and don’t worry about the repercussions or damage they create. Derek started to work on his narcissism initially by addressing his abandonment issues. He had to connect himself to his truth and believe that no matter who comes and goes in his life, no matter what his financial situation is, he is not going to be abandoned

In the past if relationships broke down Derek would just go out and find somebody to entertain him but now he is able to do things alone and can be happy and content with himself. He had to be honest with people about why he did or said things and from there it was about reverse engineering everything that he had done. After his first suicide attempt he had to go though some therapy and has since done several different versions of conventional therapy. He found that the most effective therapy for him was reconnecting with his past traumas and working through them. He felt therapy kept reliving the bad things and it was hard to see himself as a new person if he kept reliving the past.

Derek built his website thenewbornblueprint.com for modern men. Derek defines a modern man as somebody who is comfortable with themselves and knows exactly who he is. He feels that modern society makes it easy for a man to lose himself and that it’s more about keeping you controlled as a man. It is rare for a man to talk about struggling mentally or of being a narcissist and things like social media are easy to get wrapped up in. A modern man takes ownership of the good and bad in his life and is always trying to improve it

Derek believes its harder than ever for a man to be a true man, especially in America where people think of men as being very macho, very brave, of working super hard and being tough. Many women now exhibit more of these characteristics and abilities which makes it difficult for men to cover off or invent a new set of purposes for themselves. The Blueprint is also for partners so they can better prepare themselves and understand that no one is born a narcissist, that things have to happen and people show up in their lives to strengthen the characteristics.

Health and fitness is incorporated into Derek’s approach. He feels that if you are severely out of shape or not physically confident it can be hard to be mentally confident. Originally his programme focused just on physical fitness but he soon realised how much of an emotional and mental attachment there is to the fitness journey. Derek feels that if men want to be successful in relationships they have to be completely connected to their truth. He thinks that every man has a purpose and as they go through life their truth gets blurred and they lose themselves. They go through life unfulfilled because they aren’t aligned with their truth and sometimes get so far away they don't even want to face that part of their truth. They then coast though, knowing that they aren’t living at their full potential but too scared to go down what can be a lonely road.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Derek here.. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Derek at https://www.thenewbornblueprint.com/

Aligning Psychological Safety, Burnout and Resilience

Psychological Safety is something that Dr Thackeray has long been fascinated by. He is particularly interested in how it aligns with Burnout and Resilience so in this podcast he discusses:

• What psychological safety is

• What it’s all about

• What it has to offer us

• Some of the different theoretical ideas around psychological safety

Dr Thackeray feels that in order to build a psychologically safe culture we probably need to have psychologically safe people. But which comes first? This is where the challenge of resilience links together. The idea of resilience is that after making a mistake or error, resilient people are able to bounce back or forwards, to weather the storm, build capacity for change and understand themselves well enough to know where their own resilience may be compromised. They are able to make a mistake and come back from it.

Psychological Safety works on the idea that you can state the mistake so you don't actually make it or if you do, you can disclose it. So if you aren’t resilient are you able to be resilient in a non-psychologically safe culture? If you are resilient part of the way a making a psychologically safe culture is having the skills of resilience. The term burnout is used to describe a situation where people become exhausted and lose their capacity to care and to cope.  If you’re psychologically safe or talking about the correlation between overwork, a lack of care and burnout this may be an organisational indicator.

This is an increasingly important part of leadership and management. Dr Thackeray feels that part of the challenge is that leaders and managers have lost the subtlety to build a culture that is adult, robust and resilient, where people can still be accountable and responsible for the management of their own feelings. That in creating a psychologically safe culture, there is a risk of disempowering a manager to do what needs to be done.

In a psychologically safe culture leaders should be able to take feedback but Dr Thackeray feels that everybody needs to be able to take feedback. If anyone’s performance has gone off track there needs to be the type of culture where what needs to be said can be said. He thinks that having an adult culture is at the heart of psychological safety.  Having the ability to say I can be accountable, I cannot feel safe from time to time but also that sometimes I have to recognise my part in that process.

The question is how much baggage does a person bring into a psychologically safe environment? When we think about auditing people we need to have a baseline understanding of the level of anxiety that exists for people and also their level of independent safety. If you feel unsafe or feel anxious in your day to day life, your baseline of anxiety is going to be higher than other people so, when it comes to working in teams, having identity, purpose, fun and the ability to bounce ideas around, you are naturally going to be more anxious.

Does a leader therefore create a psychologically safe culture at the level of the most anxious person given that the most anxious person does not always divulge their anxiety? How do you create good practice? As well as great feedback that goes both ways, there needs to be a sense of camaraderie, of purpose and of meaning in the role that you’re doing. You have to have meetings where you say what needs to be said and you’re not shut down for putting forward an idea.

People can ask a very innocent question and someone can take offence or see a threat where there is none. There is a need to build intentionality in the culture, where people state that their intention is to build something but there may be times we it goes wrong but that shouldn’t mean we stop trying even if it isn’t always perfect. Dr Thackeray feels we have to test the culture and test the individual attitudes to anxiety before we start. We also need to have a sense of direction, a sense of meaning in the job and be able to speak out and share ideas without being laughed at.

When Dr Thackeray looks at the confluence of psychological safety, resilience and burnout, one of the key areas he considers is meeting’s. Often in meetings the happiest person is the one running it. People are there but they don't know why. It’s not relevant, it’s inefficient because it’s not the right medium. Meetings are where we can start to spot the issues. If people aren’t saying this meetings not for me, this meeting’s too long, do I need to be at that meeting they need to be more robust about the idea of return on investment and what they produce and where they invest their time. An adult culture allows anxious people to see the value in the time they are spending and making choices in where to spend that time.  So when a leader or manager asks where is the value of your contribution over the last week, that person can say this is the value of what I’ve achieved and this is where my value has diminished because of these effects.

There are always going to be meetings that need to be attended but there are numerous casual or careless meetings where people have just got into a routine. Meetings are where most people come together so if you cant challenge the team and speak out then there is an argument that you don't have psychological safety. If you don't have the confidence to talk to your manager directly, then that may be more of an issue between you and your manager. It might be down to your level of anxiety or their ability to lead you well. On a one-to-one level there is an equal responsibility to look at those things in both ways.

The question is how do we take leaders and managers to produce leadership, management and process that allows culture to be what we need it to be? 

You can listen to the podcast in full here.Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

The power of mindset. Dealing with Polymyositis.

Clarke Boozer has been living with a rare muscle disease for over twenty years. At it’s worst, he was in a wheelchair and told he might not reach his next birthday whilst at its best he’s ridden a hundred miles on his bike! He still has good days and bad days and each day when he wakes up, he doesn't know which it’ll be.

Before 2000 Clarke was very active, participating in, and organising sports. Then in 2001 he felt the first signs of the muscle disease. He was in the gym and felt a pain in his shoulder and after that things progressed very quickly. It became difficult to walk, he lost strength and was losing his breath very quickly when he tried to exercise.

He had no idea what was going on. His doctor told him he had tendonitis and bursitis. In the back of his mind Clarke knew that wasn't it. He was working as a family intervention specialist at a public school and one day he fell over and knocked himself out. He went back to the doctor but there was still no clue as to what the problem was. Over the next couple of months things got worse until he had to use a wheelchair.

He went back to see a specialist and at this point he asked if he would ever walk again. The doctor’s response was that walking was the least of his worries. The muscle disease was also affecting his internal organs and unless they worked out exactly what the problem was, he might not make it to his next birthday

Clarke’s initial response was anger. He couldn’t take in what they were telling him. He remembers being driven home and crying because he thought he was about to die. Because it had happened so suddenly he wasn’t prepared for it. At the time his children were 10 and 4, he had a good job and things had been going well. Now, he didn’t know how he was going to support his family.

He was eventually diagnosed with Polymyositis, an inflammation of the major muscles. There was no clue as to what had caused it but it can be related to autoimmune disease. His doctor prescribed high levels of drugs and after a few days the pain went away but he was still so weak he couldn't do anything. Simple things like buttoning a shirt, putting his shoes on and feeding himself were impossible.  

He felt at rock bottom. He was depressed, angry, mad at the world but also helpless. Because the disease had progressed so quickly it was difficult to understand what was happening.  Usually with muscle wasting diseases there is a gradual decline but Clarke was losing lbs each day and as his body was declining, his mind was driving him downward as well.

At the time Clarke didn't really understand how much mindset can affect physical health but an experience he had when he thought he was going to die started to change things around for him. He worked with a therapist on trying to improve his physical health and he went from thinking that his life was over if he couldn't participate in sports or play with his children. One day her just looked at his kids and his mother and realised he had something to live for. This change in mindset led to change in physiology. He started to find things he could do sitting in his wheelchair, initially just trying to lift his arm and then trying to build back strength into his legs. He still had ups and downs but he weighed the positives and negatives and found that talking to other people about his story gave him hope and helped in his recovery.

Clarke feels that mindset is the key and that we can do anything we want if we focus on what we say to ourselves and what we believe. He also thinks having a strong faith helps He has found African Spirituality, meditation and spending time in nature helps him reach his inner self and connect.  His aim now is to get out and help more people going through the same sort of issues he has. He has just completed Instinctive Mediation Teacher Training which he hopes he’ll be able to use and although he is limited as to the type of exercise he can do, he is hopeful that he might be able to undertake the 100 mile Portland Century bicycle ride again as well as continue with his Tai Chi, Qigong, recording music and DJ sets.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Clarke here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Clarke at http:/youtube.com/user/clarkecboo

Life as our label. Dealing with grief.

Nicki Pike has been a mortgage broker in Alberta, Canada for over 15 years, She loves her job and being her own boss but over the last few years she has gone through several traumatic events that have had a huge impact on her life. She had fertility problems and difficulties conceiving a child, went through a divorce, suffered the loss of her mother after watching her battle with dementia and the,n a few months later, lost her brother suddenly when he had a fall and developed a haematoma.

Grief is different for different people but Nicki was surprised and scared by what she felt.  She had lost her grandparents when she was growing up so had experienced grief but it was nothing like what she was now feeling. Her mother had been her main help and support and they had been very close, so she found it very hard to watch her change every day before her eyes. Although she had anticipated her death. when it happened it was very sudden and unexpected. Nicki’s brother had struggled with the dementia diagnosis and already had addiction, alcoholism, anxiety and depression issues himself. When Nicki was told he had passed away, she thought he had committed suicide which actually gave her a sense of peace but then she found out he had died of a hematoma caused by falling and hitting his head.

Nicki felt very angry. Her mother and brother had both been relatively young and she felt robbed. Her brother had been clean and sober for two years so when he died so all the anger and feelings she had about her mother’s death also came back. She was in a very dark place. Her grief didn’t feel logical and rational. It was so raw and emotional that it surprised her. She could talk about what she was feeling but the raw emotion she felt scared her. The level of grief she felt knocked her over. She just did what she needed to do for her daughter but could do nothing more. She had never felt so emotional and describes the feeling as an impact zone - waves of grief that were so strong and close together she was left feeling as if she couldn't breathe and was drowning. Although the waves didn’t get smaller, gradually they became further apart so she felt she had time to breathe.

There is a lot of information about grief but lots of it is irrelevant. Nicki feels that we don’t talk about grief and loss and what we go through in the early days enough. We need to have an idea of hope and a path towards it but we don't need to have someone telling us it'll all be great. Logically, we know we’ll come out the other side of our grief and that we’ll get back to what will be a new normality without the person we’ve lost. Lots of people offer support at the point of someone’s death but then after the funeral it disappears. There is often so much going on at that point that the loss doesn’t really hit us. We need support later on, through anniversaries and things that remind us of the person we’ve lost. We need our friends to be there when everyone goes back home to normal life and our life has changed forever.

Nicki was a quiet child but when she when found voice she started to use it. A high school friend who she reconnected with after brother’s death told her she had always thought of Nicki as being strong and this started Nicki on thinking about the different labels she’d had through her life.  During her marriage her labels had been a lot more negative – demanding, emotional, crazy and high maintenance, and she had believed them because she’d heard them so often. Later on as she started getting different labels - grieving daughter, grieving sister, single mother, divorced woman, she realised that living under labels was not a good place to be. When you lose people, you often get reminded of how strong you are, that you’re still here and can still get to live your life. Nicki thinks that in the early stages of grief that's not what you want to hear. She didn't feel strong, she didn't want to be a survivor because in the early days all she could think about was that her mother and brother were gone. We can use these words and labels but need to consider if the person at the receiving end is in the right place to hear them - are we helping or hurting?

Some people may say we’re strong because that is what suits them and their narrative of you. It then allows them to deal with you in a certain way. But dealing with grief is about what we need, not what they need. Some people just don't know what to say.  They have a fear of experiencing it themselves, of not saying enough or too much, or of triggering an unwanted response.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Nicki here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Nicki through Instagram or Facebook

Healing from wounds. The Art of Scars.

Kathy Hagler has been an organisational consultant for almost 40 years but prior to that was a pianist, a mathematics teacher and a college dean. It was while she was working as a college dean that she first met one of her mentors, Dr Edwards Demings. When he discovered her background in music and mathematics, he offered her the opportunity to work with him and she travelled with him extensively across the US as his ‘Girl Friday’ for over twelve months. At the same time, she was doing a Phd at Claremont College where she met her other mentor Dr Peter Drucker who was her major advisor and he also went on to become a personal friend. Kathy has taken the thinking of these two pioneers of management forward through her practice K2OH Solutions where she focuses on culture and climate and the reciprocation between them using her Organisations of Character Model which embodies her belief that culture drives every aspect of development, learning, execution, and reflection.

In her childhood Kathy suffered from a number of illnesses. Later on, her twenty-year old son was killed in car accident and her husband died shortly afterwards.  Kathy herself was then diagnosed with cancer so over the years she has developed a number of scars. She feels though that she can relate to the physical, emotional and spiritual scars she had. She then realised that organisations are similar in that they too have wounds and, like people, they can break and can heal. Kathy uses the Japanese art of Kinstugi or "gold joinery” as a metaphor for healing scars with both people and organisations. An ancient Japanese art, Kinstugi repairs a broken object by emphasising its scars with gold powder which creates a unique version of the original object. Kathy’s vision is to introduce the idea to people and organisations that you can break but you can heal and that if we put ourselves back together with gold, we are stronger and more distinctive.

Kathy’s work with organisations has shown that fear is often present. Her process is to show organsiations how to turn fear and brokenness into healing and then understand that they have healed from their wounds. Fear sits in the subconscious but this is the culture of the organisation so we can find out where the fear is coming from.  The fear can be removed and raised up into the conciousness so they can innovate and be better than before.

Kathy understands that people and organisations are imperfect and emphasises the importance of being upfront and honest about our flaws and mistakes. She helps organisations heal these “wounds” as she transforms organisations to one of character, trustworthiness, and resilience.

 You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Kathy here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Kathy here.

Understanding what’s important … and what’s not. Love after 50

Francine Russo is a widely recognised journalist who covered the Boomer beat for Time for over a decade as well as writing for Scientific American, The Atlantic, and other major publications. 

Over the last two decades the number of divorces in the over 50-age group has rocketed and there are a lot of people looking for new partners. Francine herself was widowed twice before she found her current partner and was asked by many people for advice on meeting people and building new relationships. She realised that over the years she learned a lot about herself, about dating and about resilience as well as the more practical tools such as online dating so Francine her latest book Love After 50: How to find it, enjoy it and keep it, is designed to be both practical and psychologically helpful.

Studies have shown that love after 50 is more satisfying than at any other stage in life. Francine feels that people are more emotionally stable, more focused on the present and know not only what they have to have, but also what they can live without. Partnering is no longer about building a family, career and fortune. It’s about sharing intimacy as grounded individuals. And sex isn’t a pass or fail anymore, but about becoming erotic friends.

Dating brings the opportunity to reconnect with people but before reconnecting with the active world and meeting new people, it’s essential to get over previous relationships. If people start dating when they’re bitter, angry or lack confidence it will never work. People need to be OK with themselves – to be comfortable with themselves and their life as a single person before they can start to build new relationships.

Using social media and online dating sites can be a good way to ‘try’ a relationship, and ‘catch and release’ so, if after a couple of months things aren’t working, it’s time to move on. Some people can tap into any neediness they perceive so it’s important to be sensible when judging potential partners and to remember that there may be feelings of rejection in some instances.

Francine feels that time negates relationships and that when we’re older there is a different structure to a relationship. The rest of life element can be more bittersweet. There may be more day-to-day time to share but the years together are limited so people often feel grateful for the time together and just let small annoyances go. 

Because they aren’t raising children or building a career, people tend to come together for love, companionship and mutual support. Some people choose to marry, others live together or live apart. Some see their children and friends together and build a joint social life whilst others keep their lives separate and simply spend the time they want to together. There can be some problems if children are unhappy or unsure about a parent building a new relationship so it’s better to start with limited expectations about blending families. It’s not essential to work as a unit, just decide what to do together and what to do apart and to understand what’s important and what’s not

 You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Francine here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Francine’s book Love after 50 is available here.

Choose your struggle. Conversations about mental health, substance abuse and addiction.

Choose your struggle. Substance abuse, addiction and recovery.

Jay Shifman’s mission is to encourage difficult conversations and honest education around the issues of mental health, substance misuse, and addiction. A storyteller, speaker, podcaster, and event host, Jay entered recovery himself in 2010 after struggling with mental health and substance abuse problems for half a decade  following a misdiagnosis in his teens which left him addicted to prescription pills. Jay is now in long-term recovery and, through his company, Choose Your Struggle, works towards his two distinct goals, to end stigma and ensure that those who struggle receive the help they deserve.  

Jay feels that there are a huge number of people trying to deal with substance misuse and addiction but that they don’t talk about it because of the stigma that's attached to it. Talking about it and encouraging fact based education is the way to break down the stigma

Jay decided to get himself off prescription drugs. He spoke with his doctor who advised him to stay on the medication but Jay wanted to know what it was like living without the drugs in his life. He had already attempted suicide so he thought that things couldn't get any worse. It was a case of lets see what happens.

If Jay had been addicted to something like heroin he could have accessed a lot of help but there is not so much assistance for coming off prescription pills You have to trust yourself. Jay stayed with his grandmother who was very supportive whilst he undertook a four-month Step Down Detox Programme which reduced the amount drugs he took each day. It was very hard and very scary. Jay worked with a therapist who helped him get off safely because it needed to be done in a managed way. The failure rate for people who simply go ‘cold turkey’ is very high.

Making the decision to get off the drugs is just the beginning of the journey. The journey itself tests both mental health and resilience. Jay feels it took five years before his physical and mental health returned.  This can be a problem when going into rehab. If you haven’t treated the underlying issues then they will resurface as soon as you go back to your ‘normal’ life. Jay thinks that it’s a two stage process – the first part is to get off the drugs so you can start to feel what it’s like to be yourself again and the second part is focusing on yourself so you can understand why were you struggling, what were the underlying issues you had and what you need to do to take care of yourself.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Jay here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

For more information about Jay and his work , visit: www.jayshifman.com or find him on your favourite social media platform.

Jay’s podcast is Choose your struggle

Don't waste the good moments. Covid and beyond.

Radha Ruparell is a global cross-sector leader with expertise in leadership development and personal transformation. She has worked with CEOs, Fortune 500 senior executives, social entrepreneurs, and grassroots leaders around the world and heads the Collective Leadership Accelerator at Teach For All, a global network of independent organisations in 60 countries committed to developing leadership in classrooms and communities to ensure all children fulfill their potential.

The last year has been a difficult, traumatic one for Radha. She fell ill with Covid at the height of the pandemic and had to use all her leadership experience to navigate through the uncertainty and change it brought. It was April 2020 in New York and the first Covid wave was raging through the city.  Radha was on a conference call and started feeling breathless. Two days later she realised she had Covid. She was bedridden and because many of the hospitals were overrun and lacked PPE, she was told to stay at home. She did however end up in hospital and a year on she is still dealing with the symptoms that haven’t disappeared. These include mental and physical fatigue. Before Covid she surfed, ran and played tennis none of which she can now do. She tries to live a regular life but has to make constant adjustments.

Radha had to fall back on her reserves of mental toughness and needed to utilise all her leadership experience - how we manage ourselves, how we manage uncertainty and how we relate to one another. She needed to have  a strong support network and reach out for help. In the early days she couldn't speak without getting short of breath and was too tired to ask for help. Only a couple of people were aware she was ill and then a work colleague reached out. Radha had grown up thinking she shouldn’t share her personal troubles. She always toughed it out, but when she was ill she realised that being strong is the opposite – its about being able to share things, about what you’re feeling and your fears and vulnerabilities. It was a lifeline having a couple of consistent people in her life. She doesn’t think she would have been able to get through it otherwise.  

Radha also realised the importance of slowing down and asking what is going on within us, of taking a moment to check in with yourself so you’re not defining yourself by a situation and can rationilise it. Part of this is to understand the power of language and what we tell ourselves. The way we frame language can be destructive and we need to change it. Instead of having a bad day we have an off moment then every moment after that we have a choice.

Radha started writing her book when she was ill. Initially she wrote a two page article for her family and friends which reveled some of the things she had learned during Covid  - applying life and leadership lessons, how to be resilient , and how to slow down, discover inner strength and be vulnerable. Within two weeks 20,000 people had read it!

One of the takeaways from the book is how we deal with uncertainty. One of our biggest mistakes is that we resist uncertainty.  When she was ill Radha  had brain fog and couldn't read words on a page. She kept trying until she realised resisting was not helping – she couldn't do the things she usually did so needed to accept this was the current situation. She needed to be more creative and operate in a different way and realise that you can hold two conflicting ideas. You can accept what is happening and still be curious for what might be possible.

Sometimes it takes a catastrophic event to wake us up. These turning points can be terrifying but we all encounter them in our lives. The real question is: how will we face them? Despite our knee-jerk reaction to hang on to what’s “normal,” disruptive moments are exactly what’s needed to transform ourselves and the world around us.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Radha here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more about Radha and her book at Brave Now: Rise Through Struggle and Unlock Your Greatest Self   

From Sicily to the UK. How to overcome judgment and build confidence.

Claudia Tinnirello is an international bestselling author and the CEO and founder of web design business Sophisticated Cloud Limited. She is also a professional SquareSpace Web Designer, UX expert, former cookery chef and enthusiastic public speaker.

Originally from Sicily, Claudia has lived in England since 2005. Growing up in Sicily there was a mix of cultures but at that time it was still thought that women would get their college diplomas and then get married and start a family. Claudia didn't want to follow that route, she wanted to do something more with her life and be financially independent and her starting point was studying to get to university.  

After she finished university she started looking for a job, something that can be very difficult to find in southern Italy. A friend who was working for a call-centre in the UK told her that the company was looking for a new agent who could speak Italian, English and French. Having studied English at school, the UK was always somewhere that had interested Claudia. So, at the age of 23 she decided she would move to the UK. Her initial idea was to stay for four months but she has never left!

She was on her own when she arrived in London. She didn’t have anyone to guide her so she had to learn a lot very quickly! She didn't particularly like her job which was in a call-centre dealing with technical systems. Her training was in three languages which she found very tough. She had thought her English was good but when she arrived she couldn't understand what people were saying to her or be understood herself.  This came as a real shock and she struggled for a while but realised that the only way forward was to spend time with English people. When some people move to a new country they find it more comfortable to be with their own community but Claudia intentionally didn't mix with Italians because she wanted to integrate and learn the language properly.

Claudia feels that her resilience came from the fact that she was the first woman in her family to leave Italy on her terms. Her family didn't want her to go so Claudia feels her resilience was based on pride – although she wasn’t really happy initially she was going to stay because needed to make the point that she could do it. As time went on she became stronger and it became easier.

After being made redundant four times, the last time after ten years with the same company, Claudia had started to lack confidence and become unsure of what to do next. She spoke to a life coach who suggested she join Toastmasters International to try to and restore her confidence and control her nerves and fear of public speaking. When she was younger she feels she missed many opportunities because she was too shy and Toastmasters has helped her discover ways of becoming a better and more confident public speaker. So much so she is now President of the Toastmasters International Basingstoke Speakers Club.

Claudia feels that we can all do anything we want if we are persistent and fight for it. Even if things have been done for generations it doesn’t mean we cant do anything different. The most important thing is to not let society put a label on you.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Claudia here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more about Claudia at  www.SophisticatedCloud.com 


New solutions for Pain Management

Georgie Oldfield is a physiotherapist who also runs a training organisation where she trains health professionals and coaches to integrate a mind body approach to pain management.

Georgie was working as a physiotheapist for the NHS in a community-based role. She was working with patients who were suffering from such high levels of pain that they actually unable to get to a clinic. There were not a lot of options available to help these patients and Georgie gradually became interested in alternative ways of managing pain. The results she was getting led her to leave the NHS in 2005 and set up her own clinic.

Shortly afterwards she woke up one morning with sciatica. She had absolutely no idea what had caused it but having just left the security of her NHS role, setting up a new business meant she was dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety. At the time she didn't think this was relevant until she went to see someone who actually asked her what was going on in her life. It was then she realised that she was holding the stress in her body and this was how it was manifesting itself.

So is pain a manifestation of a physiological or emotional problem, a physical one or both? Pain is a protect response, and body pain is perceived by the brain and felt in body. There is no evidence to link the severity of pain we feel with the amount of tissue damage we have so it’s possible to have severe pain but no tissue damage. If the body heals and the pain persists after body has healed you have to ask why. If it’s not anything to do with the extent of the injury, it can be about whether we are anxious, depressed, have negative beliefs about pain or a past trauma.

There are a number of factors that surround how we perceive pain. There are also a lot of different triggers or causes of pain. Anxiety, depression, anticipation or fear of pain can all affect whether we feel severe or less severe pain. Our attitude to pain can also affect the degree of how we feel pain as does our personality and behaviour. It’s not just current stress that can produce pain. Things from earlier on in our lives can affect us too, such as adverse childhood experiences which are also more likely to impact on ill health later in life.

Living with chronic pain often means you become focused on the pain, which then fuels the pain itself. Understanding persistent pain is an empowering experience as sufferers realise pain is within their control.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Georgie here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more about Georgie and her work at https://www.georgieoldfield.com/ Her book is Chronic Pain : Your key to Recovery

Moving on from gambling addiction. The importance of love and support.

Patrick Chester started gambling in his late 20s. It was something he grew up with and it was portrayed as something that was commonplace. Initially it was a fun activity, something he did with his with friends. He was in his early 30’s when he got married to Erica in 2006 and it was after this that his gambling led him to start making bad choices, hide things from Erica and lie to cover up his gambling.

Over the first nine years of their marriage there was a slow progression of the lies and deception. Patrick was working for himself as a contractor and he started using the money he made and also borrowed more money to feed his gambling habit. In 2015 Erica’s family found out what was going on and got involved by arranging an intervention with a moderator. Patrick then went into treatment for a month and shortly afterwards had to go to jail for some crimes he had committed to feed his addiction.

Erica feels she has learned a lot the last six years. She had no idea gambling was an addiction and was not willing to give up when she learned how sick Patrick was and how he wanted to get better. She couldn't throw the towel in knowing it was addiction that was causing him to be sick and not reckless behaviour.

Often it is not just the addict who carries guilt or shame. It is only recently that Erica learnt to let go of a lot of this – should she have asked more questions, investigated more or not believed his stories. When they first met they had a lot of things in common - sports and the outdoors and she had no reason not to trust him. When she found out about the gambling she felt duped and angry but when she looked back she realised there were some missed red flags – some times her debit card didn’t work but Patrick would always have a reason for it and she believed him. The problem would be fixed but should she have demanded proof or better answers?

Patrick never came clean with Erica, rather he sent an email to another family member. Erica had a call from her Dad saying he needed to see her urgently because he had found out that Patrick had a really bad gambling addiction, they weren’t sure how bad it was but they were leaving now and meeting an interventionist. Erica had no control over anything as everything she knew came from a third party.

Her family put an intervention in place in 24 hours and the family met with the interventionist the day prior to the intervention. Erica doesn’t remember very much about it. She was in complete shock and very emotional. The interventionist explained about addictions, what it does to the body and brain and what would happen the next day. They all had to write a letter to Patrick saying that if you don't choose this lifeline, there is no place for you. It was a massive ultimatum. When he arrived Patrick realised what was going to happen. Once he got over his initial reaction he felt a huge sense of relief that things where coming to a head – he was ready for it.

Erica is indebted to her family. It was very surreal with everyone coming together. They were angry but they put that to one side and focused on fixing Patrick even without knowing the full extent of the problem. The focus was ‘lets get this figured out and get him fixed’. Once he had gone into treatment everything started to come out which for Erica was terrifying. She didn’t know the extent of what Patrick had done and he had used her social security number for fraudulent purposes and she was left to deal with everything. All her family were involved along with three different lawyers but it still took weeks to sort things out.

It has taken a very long time for Erica to forgive Patrick. Through counselling, Gam anon and researching the subject she managed to separate the person from the addiction – the person she married was not the person who did those things – but there was so much anger and hurt sometimes she thought it was all too difficult.

In the beginning she was very vigilant and almost paranoid but the more Patrick showed he was on the right path the more trust there was. They improved their communication style and she took charge of all their finances. Now she thinks that Patrick has done so many good things through his recovery that there is too much to risk. Patrick felt that the first couple of years were very difficult and frustrating at times but if he took a step back he realised that he had a chance to regain Erica’s trust. Now he feels they have built trust and transparency in life.

Erica feels that Gam anon was really helpful. She needed to know she was not the only one and relate to people going through the same things. This along with the specialist addiction therapist she worked with formed the basis of the team she built around her. She feels the most important ways of supporting someone with a gambling addiction is to educate yourself, don’t give up, to surround yourself with people who love and support you and not to make judgments. Patrick feels that when someone is in a gambling frenzy the most important thing is to tell someone that you are struggling - the disease will progress and won’t go away on its own. You need help and talking about it is the first step.

He also recommends that anyone who feels they has a problem gets in touch with Gamblers Anonymous and the National Suicide Prevention line in US or the Samaritans in UK.

You may also be able to access help in the UK at https://www.okrehab.org/

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Erica and Patrick here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Living Love. Summers at Camp Jabberwocky.

Dr Steven Gardner is a Primary Care Internist at Massachusetts General Hospital where he works with adults with a range of issues. For the last twenty-five years he has also worked during the summer at Camp Jabberwocky, a special camp in Martha’s Vineyard for people with a range of abilities and disabilities. He was introduced to the camp through his son Graham who was born with Cerebral Palsy. Graham was unable to speak or to walk and needed help with everything but he was accepted as a camper at Camp Jabberwocky and Steven became a camp doctor. For thirteen years they spent summers with an eclectic group of campers and volunteers who formed a very unique family with and without disabilities who come together in the summer time in a beautiful place to live together and care about each other.

Cerebral Palsy or CP encompasses a wide range of brain and nervous issues that can range from mild to severe. Someone with a more mild form might have a limp but would be able to function perfectly well in other areas whilst a more severe form can damage the brain more profoundly would mean someone would be unable to speak, be in a wheelchair and need assisted technology and other people to help them physically although they are cognitively absolutely fine. In the past it was thought that CP was caused by birth trauma but now it’s more likely that its due to a problem such as a toxin or virus that occurs during pregnancy and is generally completely unknown to the mother.

Steven’s son Graham possessed an inherent dignity and radiance. He was never resentful and radiated kindness and love. He lived 22 years and passed away just before his 23rd birthday from an epileptic seizure when he was swimming in a pool with his father. After his death, the family received around 1500 condolence cards and they began to realise how Graham had touched a lot of people along the way – they had taken care of him but he had given them something back. His legacy was one of love and kindness, that we support one another, that we are one family and community and don't leave anybody behind.

Camp Jabberwocky was one of the first sleep over camps for people with serious disabilities. In 1953, UK actress Helen Lamb was working in Massachusetts as a speech therapist. She had to visit a number of children who were in wheelchairs and it made her angry that they had to spend summers indoors so she decided to take a few children to a place where they could spend the summer doing the things able bodies children did. She found an island 6 miles away from Cape Cod and in the summer of 1953 took 3 kids and 1 helper away for the first time. She didn’t really have a plan and had little money but did possess a belief that it was all going to work out. 68 years later it is part of the fabric of the area.

Helen created something really special. As well as the idea that love can abound and be shared, the camp works around fun and laughter. Laughter is an important part of resilience – it reduces stress the hormones and elevates the feel good hormones. Laughter also increases humanity and hierarchy quickly dissolves when you have fun with each other - Steven quickly became Dr Steve to everyone at the camp!

Most parents don’t stay at the camp but Steven was obviously an exception because of his role. As well as providing first aid for day-to-day cuts and bruises, Steven had to monitor all the serious underlying health issues that the campers but he was still able to go on adventures with his son and engross himself into the rhythms of the camp as a dad and doctor.

After Graham’s death the most difficult decision for Steven was whether to return to the camp. It would be painful without Graham but Steven knew that by going back to that special place and family, they would be loved and supported. Steven doesn’t know the reason Helen had in naming the camp but he thinks of it as a philosophy of living – to have open hearts and open minds, to embrace each other’s differences, to support each other, to laugh and create together and even to cry and argue together. This is what’s known as Jabberwocky love and every years when the campers and volunteers go back home they are always leave with the question - why cant the real world be more like Camp Jabberwocky?

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Steven here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Graham’s life and Camp Jabberwocky are the inspiration and location that Steven celebrates in his book  Jabberwocky: Lessons of Love from a Boy Who Never Spoke 

You can find out more at Jabberwockybook.com. 

Resilience, burnout and the importance of self-compassion

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled - Resilience burnout and the importance of self-compassion.

Dr Gail Gazelle spent a large part of her career as a hospice physician and end of life carer. Ten years ago she pivoted and retrained became an executive coach so she could help other physicians deal with what at the time was seen as an epidemic, physician burnout.

Dr Gazelle sees resilience as a deep well of resources that resides in each of us. Resilience is more than just bouncing back, it’s about reaching our personal or professional goals with the minimum unnecessary difficulty, whether it’s physical, emotional, spiritual or physiological. We all have goals but can run into obstacles and resilience helps us to reach our goals with minimum wear and tear.

There are many things that deplete resilience. Our life circumstances are often not within in our control. We can do little about where we are born, poverty, wealth, racism or other issues but some resilience comes with these circumstances. Another thing that can deplete resilience is not learning how to deal with our problems and being inflexible in how we approach them. We also don't learn how to work with our own thought processes. or have the fexibility of mind to work with our own mind. Additionally, we don't invest in the relationships that support us during hard times by connecting with people or nurturing and repairing our relationships.

The other area Dr Gazelle is interested in is burnout. Burnout can occur in a large variety of professions or workplaces. The thing that is universal is a lack of engagement and this captures the essence of what many people find in their workplace - that they are not being seen, they are not being given the time to do their job or being appreciated. Dr Gazelle feels that burnout is a feeling of being disconnected from our sense of purpose so that we become unfilled and emotionally exhausted. This is seen a lot in the healthcare sector and a result is that the focus of the person suffering from burnout becomes less on the patient on more on their own feelings. There is also a deep sense of pain which can stop them connecting with those they serve and should be taking care of. In other other professions burnout can lead to a loss of passion and caring and a sense of depletion and lack of direction.

Mindfulness is at the heart of resilience. It’s about awareness and paying attention to what’s right in front of us so we get to know our own mind patterns and understand when our mind is helping us or tripping us up. Mindfulness is different to self-awareness because mindfulness involves working with the judgments the mind makes and trying to bring more compassion and more kindness to ourselves and others.

Self-compassion is also a powerful tool that can help us find more inner peace, strength and motivation to deal with the challenges that come our way. Self-compassion is about responding to our own suffering in the caring way we would respond to a friend or a child who’s struggling. A Self-Compassion Break uses three different stages to directly experience the three components of self-compassion - Mindfulness, Common Humanity and Kindness. We need to bring compassion towards ourselves so that we are aware that we are struggling and going through difficulties. We need to remind ourselves that suffering is part of the human condition and this is what it looks like. By bringing the kindness to ourselves that we would give to someone else, ultimately builds greater kindness to ourselves.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Gail here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more at www.gailgazelle.com

Dr Gazelle’s book is Everyday Resilience. A Practical Guide to Build Inner Strength and Weather Life’s Challenge

Hamilton to heart attack. The theatre of perfection

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled - Enjoy the experience as much as the result. Musical theatre and managing perfectionism.

Julian Reeve was a Music Director for over 25 years with a career that combined music and business and took him around the world.  He joined the Broadway team of Hamilton as Music Director and took it on it’s first national tour in 2017 before suffering from a heart attack which was triggered by maladaptive perfectionism. He is now based just outside Los Angeles where he is a perfectionism contributor, speaker, and author.

Julian started out as a musician before moving on to musical direction, which involves the running and creative upkeep of a show. Musical theatre can be seen to be a process rather than being creative as its essential to keep producing the same piece of music every night without mistakes to ensure the longevity of a show. The Musical Director also has to build team spirit and ensure high-level performance without burning out. Resilience is important. Julian feels you need to find the parts you enjoy and forget the bits you don't like to find the positivity which is the only thing that keeps you going. The Music Director is sometimes thought to be the least musical person in the room as their role is less about the music more about being the best leader and facilitator. Julian found his resilience by looking outside the box. He was always motivated by finding out what made his team tick and what got them to perform at their best every night. Even after five years on the same show you can still discover new things.

Julian had no idea he was a perfectionist until he was in his 40s. He suffered his heart attack 3 months after starting Hamilton and he feels his perfectionism was the cause. In his childhood he suffered from low self esteem and bullying, which led to bad lifestyle choices. Perfectionism has numerous explanations but research has shown it falls into two categories - adaptive and maladaptive. The adaptive part is what is recognised as good perfectionism, the part that gets good results, but the maladaptive side can lead to anxiety, depression, burnout and even suicide. Nothing is ever good enough. Perfectionists battle between the two and need to create equilibrium to regulate their experiences but this needs knowledge. We need to find a way to speak to perfectionists in a different way. They need self-compassion. This is made up of three elements, self-kindness, mindfulness and common humanity.

Julian now works with children and adults but his book is aimed at 6 to 12 year olds who can learn perfectionist behaviour in childhood. They need to develop self-management techniques. Warning signs include low self esteem, putting themselves down, mistakes being unacceptable, struggling to celebrate when they do well, fear of failure, all or nothing thinking and there only one way to do something.

Perfectionists need to learn self worth, to value themselves enough and to learn to love themselves.  They need to be able to say ‘I’m worth more than this’, to slow down and readdress. Perfectionism can be exciting if you can hone the gifts perfectionism gives you to the point where you become high performance.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Julian here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can get in touch with Julian at www.julianreeve.com or www.captain-perfection.com