Trust. Essential for individual and organisational success.

Trust is the foundation which successful organisations are built on. Whether it’s the relationship between employees or the one between employees and their leaders, trust creates a culture that allows organisations to become high-functioning, accountable and outcome-driven, with improved employee retention and increased commitment and loyalty.  

Without trust, organisations suffer from office politics, infighting and a lack of communication that slows down decision-making and reduces effectiveness. It breeds fear, disengagement a lack of loyalty and reduced productivity. Team performance suffers, and employees will have trouble making decisions or admitting mistakes, fearing negative repercussions if they do.

The role leaders play is therefore pivotal in creating a culture where trust is at the forefront. By being transparent, authentic, and reliable they can help to create an environment, where open communication is encouraged, and staff can seek guidance and support without fear. An environment where employees feel able to own up to mistakes and bring solutions to the table, limiting the fallout of an error and allowing the employee to see the mistake as a learning opportunity.

When employees feel inspired by senior leaders and see their actions leading to business success, they start to trust their leaders. They become empowered to own their success. They feel able to share their ideas and opinions and because they aren’t afraid to speak up, different perspectives, ideas or solutions are put forward. When employers own their success, they can push through adversity, take responsibility for their performance and results, and enhance their skills.

Trust is also necessary to drive organisational performance and plays an important role in implementing change or navigating uncertain situations. It fosters ethical decision-making, promotes loyalty, and increases the willingness to remain with a company. It also plays a vital role in reducing stress levels and hostility in the work environment so developing and nurturing trust within the workplace is essential for a healthy and productive work environment.

Building trust as a leader is a gradual process that involves consistent actions and behaviours. It takes time and effort to build and it’s hard to win and easy to lose but It’s the foundation of a healthy and thriving workplace. Leadership development programs and ongoing support for leaders to ensure that trust remains a priority are therefore essential because in an uncertain business landscape trust is needed more than ever if individuals and organisations are to succeed. 

Adoption and destiny

 Keywords

Resilience - Adoption – Separation – Developmental Trauma – Relationships - Destiny

In this episode of Resilience Unravelled Dr Stephen Rowley shares his career journey from public education to psychotherapy and his personal experiences as an adopted individual.

Stephen suggests that separation from birth mothers can lead to developmental trauma and that adoptees often grapple with questions of identity and belonging. He also talks about the emotional outcome when birth parents and adopted children reunite and recounted his recent encounter with his half-sister, who had completed a stint in a halfway house for drug and alcohol addiction. He then shared how, despite her struggle, his sister's brilliance and the connection they shared was truly remarkable.

Main topics

• The core experiences adoptees share.

• How separation can lead to developmental trauma

• The power and interpretation of dreams.

• How our perceptions are heavily influenced by our projections.

• The importance of embracing the unknown and the idea that life is not just a single story but a collection of different themes.

Action items

You can find out more at https://stephenrowley108.com or connect through his social links:

https://www.facebook.com/srowley108
http://linkedin.com/in/stephen-rowley-ma-lmhc-b83ab811
https://www.instagram.com/stephenrowley108/
https://twitter.com/srowley108

His book is: The Lost Coin: A Memoir of Adoption and Destiny  Learn more at stephenrowley108.com/memoir/. 

 You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.   

The power of intentionality

Keywords

Resilience – Intentionality – Building Relationships – Mindset Shifts – Behaviour Shifts – Intentional Action

In this episode of Resilience Unravelled John Miles, a leading authority on intentional behaviour change and personal growth, discusses his career path and experiences in various industries. John emphasises the importance of being intentional and deliberate in building relationships and adapting to different organisational sizes and sectors. He also highlights the significance of passion, purpose, emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and adaptability for future leaders.

 Main topics

• Being intentional and setting life goals.

• Why building relationships and emotional intelligence are important skills for success.

• Adaptability in a changing world.

• Intentionality in making deliberate choices and taking deliberate actions.

• How different voices and perspectives can resonate with people in different ways.

Timestamps

1: Introduction to John Miles. 00:02-02:35
2: The Power of Intentionality. John explains the importance of being intentional in one's career and decision-making process. He discusses how commonalities exist in various business sectors and emphasizes the need to be intentional about personal and professional goals. 03:40-08:30
3: Building Brilliant Relationships. John explores the secret to building successful relationships, highlighting the importance of trust, communication, and perseverance. He mentions the need to develop core elements often overlooked in leadership and management textbooks. 10:01-13:34
4: Mindset Shifts for Success. John introduces six mindset shifts that can be applied to overcome challenges and achieve success. He emphasizes the significance of passion, perseverance, and deliberate action in developing a growth mindset. 14:22-16:45
5: Behaviour Shifts for Personal Growth. John discusses six behaviour shifts that can lead to personal growth and development. He shares stories and examples of individuals who have successfully implemented these shifts in their lives. 23:15-24:30
6: Taking Intentional Action. John explains his approach to taking intentional action and outlines a step-by-step process for readers to follow. He provides a quiz to help readers understand their starting points and offers additional resources, such as eBooks and templates, to support implementation. 24:58-27:06
7: Conclusion and Call to Action. 27:27-29:58

Action items

You can find out more about John at https://johnrmiles.com/ His podcast is Passion Struck with John R Miles

   You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.   

The ethics of Impression management

Wanting to create a favourable impression is a basic part of human nature. Once someone forms an opinion of you, it can be very difficult to change and, whilst we can’t control people’s opinions, there are ways in which we can present ourselves which are more likely to get a positive opinion.

Impression management involves consciously or unconsciously controlling the way others see or perceive us so we can manage what we say about ourselves and make the best possible impression. It’s something we all do to a greater or lesser degree but whether it’s ethical or not depends on the context, intent and means we use to manage our impression to help us achieve professional and personal goals.

If impression management is to be both effective and ethical, it's important to strike a balance between projecting a positive image and remaining true to our core values and principles. Authenticity is key and while it's essential to create a positive professional image, it should be based on our true skills, abilities, and values. Being seen as overly inauthentic can lead to issues around trust and our credibility.

One of the most obvious ways impression management is used is during a job interview. Candidates and interviewers both feel the need to appear ‘authentically perfect’, pleasant, competent but not so perfect as to be disingenuous. Whilst some self-promotion can help candidates and potential employers leave a positive impression, interviews are not the time to make false claims – a lack of skills, competencies or difficult working conditions will be found out pretty quickly so, as well as being unethical, it can be a lot more damaging to your reputation in the longer-term.

Another way of using impression management in the work environment is in how we build relationships with our colleagues. People often have a work ‘persona’, which might involve behaviour, appearance and interests that they think their managers and colleagues want them to have. This isn’t unusual and isn’t really a problem as long as people don’t try to own ideas or achievements that aren’t theirs or manipulate situations to their own benefit. If they do they generally get caught out - think of the numerous influencers who've tried - and again it’s not only unethical and reputation damaging but a very quick way to divide teams.

Impression management is only effective and ethical if it’s based on transparency and honesty. It becomes unethical the minute it involves deception or manipulation. Whether its appropriate depends on the context in which its used. Used correctly, it can help in the success of your career and in building strong relationships with colleagues and managers. Ultimately, authenticity is the key, and impression management a tool to help us achieve our goals rather than something that compromises our identity.

Is FOOP affecting your authenticity?

New research from Reed shows that 32% of the 2,000 British workers surveyed didn’t feel they could be their true selves at work, with 19% regularly adopting a workplace persona depending on who they talked to or the situation they were in. This inability to be authentic could be down to FOOP, the fear of offending people.

FOOP can lead to people becoming afraid of saying or doing something that might be deemed socially unacceptable, offensive, or politically incorrect and leads to them censoring their thoughts, opinions, and behaviours to avoid any possible backlash, criticism, or social consequences. This leads to a reluctance to engage in open discussions, and a general atmosphere of caution in social interactions which impacts on both personal and professional relationships, stifles creativity, diversity of thought, and genuine conversations.

The extent to which individuals feel this fear can vary depending on cultural context, societal norms, personal values, and the specific subject being discussed and whilst some individuals might genuinely feel this fear, others may use it as a way to dismiss criticism or avoid accountability for their words or actions.

Finding the balance between expressing yourself and being respectful of others' feelings and perspectives can be complex. In any workplace, there is always the potential to offend others, intentionally or unintentionally. Offending people can lead to awkward or uncomfortable situations and damaged relationships but there may be situations where expressing your opinions or standing up for yourself is essential. In these situations, the ability to deal with the aftermath in a constructive and empathetic way is essential to maintaining healthy relationships with colleagues and minimising the potential for negative consequences.

Some argue that there has been an increase in online platforms and social media, which has magnified the impact of public scrutiny and led to a heightened fear of offending others. Others contend that these discussions have been happening for years and are not a new phenomenon. Whatever the reason, the ability to express yourself in an authentic way, rather than dedicating mental effort to hide your true self means you’re going to be far happier in your job and life.

Putting people first – the benefits of Human Leadership

A survey by Gartner of 230 HR leaders showed that 90% of them believed that it was essential for leaders to focus on the human aspects of leadership if they were to succeed. It also showed there was a 37% increase in high engagement for those employees who worked for a human leader and that these employees improved their team’s performance by up to 27%. However, another Gartner survey of 3,400 employees conducted at the same time showed that only 29% of them thought that they were led by a ‘human leader’. The business case for human leadership is there so why aren’t leaders more committed to the approach?

Human leadership refers to the practice of guiding and influencing a group of individuals or an organisation towards a common goal through effective communication, collaboration, empathy, and understanding of human behaviour. It emphasises the importance of connecting with and inspiring people on a personal level, considering their needs, motivations, and strengths.

Contrasting with more traditional, authoritative, or transactional leadership styles that focus primarily on power dynamics, hierarchy, and task-oriented goals, human leadership places people at the centre, recognising that a motivated, engaged, and well-supported team is essential for achieving sustainable success. Some of the benefits of human leadership include:

• Enhanced Employee Engagement: Human leaders build relationships with their team members that lead to higher levels of engagement and job satisfaction. Employees feel valued, supported and understood so are more likely to be motivated and committed to their work.

• Improved Communication: Human leaders prioritise open and transparent communication, creating a culture of trust and encouraging team members to express their ideas, concerns and feedback, leading to better collaboration and decision-making.

• Higher Productivity: Employees who feel connected to their leader and colleagues, are more likely to work collaboratively, share knowledge and contribute, leading to increased productivity and better results.

• Reduced Turnover: Human leaders create a work environment that fosters loyalty and a sense of belonging. Employees are less likely to leave so staff turnover and recruitment and training costs are reduced.

• Enhanced Creativity and Innovation: Human leaders encourage employees to share ideas and perspectives, promoting a culture of innovation, creative problem-solving and new solutions.

• Higher Employee Well-being: Human leaders show genuine care for the well-being of their team, provide support during challenging times and promote a positive and healthy workplace culture.

• Effective Conflict Resolution: Human leaders address conflicts and disagreements constructively, using open communication and empathy to facilitate resolution and maintain positive relationships within the team.

• Development of Leadership Skills: Human leaders focus on mentoring and developing the leadership skills of their team so individual growth improves and a pipeline of future leaders built.

• Positive Organisational Culture: Human leaders contribute to the development of a positive organisational culture based on respect, trust and collaboration. This attracts top talent and contributes to the organisation's reputation and success

• Adaptability to Change: Human leaders are more attuned to the emotional and psychological impact of change on their team which helps employees navigate transitions and adapt to new circumstances.

• Higher Employee Satisfaction: Employees with human leaders are more likely to feel satisfied with their work, interactions with colleagues and overall work environment.

• Improved Performance Reviews: Human leaders provide regular feedback and coaching so employees improve their skills and performance and contribute to meaningful and productive performance reviews.

Whist other leadership styles may have their own strengths and applications, human leadership stands out for its emphasis on building strong relationships, understanding, and addressing the emotional needs of team members, and promoting collaboration and empathy as fundamental aspects of effective leadership.

Human leaders choose transparency over control, relationships over hierarchies and wellbeing over productivity. They engage with employees, lead by example and are authentic and empathetic. They possess high emotional intelligence, are calm and confident, and communicate clearly.  They see change as a way of building a new and better future where the values and purpose of the organisation are genuinely believed in and lived out every day.

In today’s constantly changing world of work, can you afford not to be a more human leader?

The challenge of working in a family business

David Bentall is based in Vancouver and has really has two careers. The first was following his father and grandfather into the family real estate and construction businesses where he rose to be the President of Commercial Construction. However, as can happen with family businesses, things went sour when his father and two of his brothers fell out and the business was sold. Since then, David has become an author and consultant, using his to help other families to get a better result.

Family businesses are the backbone of the global economy. One of the biggest challenges they face is the relationship between different aspects of the business, the corporate role/personal relationship or the owner/employee. David was only an 8% owner of the family business but he wanted to put his ownership hat on all the time. On reflection, he realises that he needed to learn to use his employee hat more often. There is also the relationship between the founders of the business, the 2nd generation who drive things forward and then the 3rd generation where often things start to go wrong. There is a lot of background evidence around the ideas of succession and moving the business forward. Bringing new ideas on board can be difficult because of the power dynamics in a family business.

One of the critical dynamics of a family business is to manage relationships. Before you manage businesses, you have to manage yourself. David is very interested in the role of Emotional Intelligence as a catalyst for better relationships. He thinks that if he had been more patient it would have made a difference in his relationship with his family. He thought being impatient was a virtue, he was a young, driving executive who wanted to make things happen but making things happen destroyed his relationship with his uncle. The two characteristics David thinks would have made a difference are more patience and more humility.

Many people come into a family business as part of the succession plan and never work anywhere else. David feels they need work outside of the family business to gain some perspective. He worked for two years for an outside company and found there were many advantages but the main one was to develop credibility with both non-family employees and with other family members.

Working with an outside company helps develop different skills such as dealing with people.  You might not like other members of your family but they might be good at driving the business forward.  Skills need to be developed and it’s good to get genuine feedback from other people about your performance. At one point David had a mentor who would ask all eleven of the vice presidents working for David what things he had done badly recently.  He would then back and they would sort it out – in other words he got the real world thrown in his face twice a year!

The role of ego is also important. David played sport at college so he learned how important it was to be self-confident as an athlete but right beside this is pride. When he was brought into the family company he had a very inflated view of himself and this was further fuelled by his father who wanted him to become president. He could see no wrong in David and as he was the largest shareholder and president of the board it allowed David’s confidence in himself to undermine his willingness to admit he didn't know everything. Arrogance and pride can be an enormous problem and he thought he had all the answers.

There is a balance to be had between confidence and assuredness and arrogance and obstinacy. Sometimes wisdom brings that to the point of fruition. Wisdom comes from making mistakes - you can be wise and 20 or 60 and not wise at all. In his 40s David took up competitive water skiing and he was often nervous before an event. He told his coach that he wanted to be more self confident but the coach said that wasn’t the case, what was needed was to be confident in the process. There is a difference between focusing on doing the right things and thinking you are always right.

In some family businesses things are left to chance, things are not written down, not made clear about how things are set up and meant to work. There is an implied trust that everyone is working together but this is a dangerous assumption to build a company on. Family members are not always loyal and can decide not to work together. They don't always get on well and one person can turn against the rest of the family is they feel there is something to gain. Family bonds are more personal and can be more vicious. 

You can find out more about David at nextstepadvisors.ca David is also an author and his book, Dear Younger Me: Wisdom for Family Enterprise Successors explores the character traits critical for navigating the interpersonal demands of a family business enterprise.

   You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions. 

Overt or covert? Spot the narcissist in your workplace.

Most people find that their relationships with work colleagues have a huge affect on their wellbeing. Toxic relationships can lead to anxiety and depression and this can be particularly noticeable if you are working with a narcissist. But narcissist is a wide-ranging term that describes many different people who possess similar traits but who demonstrate different behaviours at different times. Generally though narcissists are thought of as incredibly self- centred with no consideration for the feelings and needs of others. While many narcissists do behave this way, there are many other who exhibit completely different behaviours that make them far more difficult to spot.

Two of the better-known types of narcissism are overt and covert. Whilst both share the same behaviours - a lack of empathy, a need for admiration, feelings of inadequacy, a desire to control others and low self-esteem – they are expressed completely differently in their outward actions. Overt narcissists are very easy to spot because they display all the traits we typically associate with narcissism. They’re very vocal, constantly telling everyone how great they are, how everyone else has failed and being completely insensitive to the needs of others. A covert narcissist however is less obvious, they’re more reserved and introverted so are difficult to spot because they hide behind a mask of sensitivity and vulnerability.

Narcissism is all about control and manipulation For example, narcissists always shift blame onto their teammates and an overt narcissist will do this by criticising and taking every opportunity to tell you where you went wrong and how everything is your fault. Covert narcissists however use a more passive form of manipulation, creating confusion by implying you forgot something or remembered it incorrectly and using their workmates to supply constant re-assurance about their skills and talents.

Outwardly, overt and covert narcissists appear to be very different but as well as sharing the same insecurities, they exercise the same narcissistic behaviours and blame-shifting, projection and gaslighting are just some of the forms of control and manipulation they use. Whether you’re dealing with an overt or covert narcissist, being aware of their traits means you’ll be better placed to protect yourself and set some boundaries in place to deal with their dysfunction.

Move from shame and blame. The benefits of collaborative divorce.

Nanci A Smith has been a divorce lawyer for thirty years and is currently based in Vermont, North East USA. She is an advocate for collaborative divorce, a new model and mindset, which will allow a couple to emerge healthy and wholehearted from the divorce process rather than bitter and resentful. Her aim is to change the paradigm for divorce away from the blame and shame adversarial process to one that's more consistent with people’s core values of integrity, individual respect, transparency and compassion.

She feels that when it comes to the divorce table, lawyers are trained in the adversarial system. They get the basics of the story, the clients are wounded, frightened upset, scared and are maybe even feeling betrayed. There are lots of intense emotions going on and lawyers are not trained to handle these emotions so they say ‘you go get a therapist, I’ll do the legal stuff and then we’ll go off to the courthouse. There is no chance for healing or personal growth. Nanci feels the gift of a divorce is the opportunity to transform and grow through it.

In the UK we are used to the process of mediation. Its an out of court dispute resolution process where you have one neutral person listening to both sides and trying to come to some sort of compromise that both sides can live with. It's a real opportunity for people who are on an equal bargaining footing and who understand the psychological and financial issues and are both ready to get divorced.

Collaborative divorce is like ‘mediation on steroids’. It offers the couple more support with two lawyers trained in the process, a mental health coach and financial neutral so it’s an inter-disciplinary team. It provides a safe place to have the really difficult conversations that need to be had at a time when they are feeling their worst and we are expecting them to show and be their best.

Many people have the idea that a marriage is just a thing that happens to a person and don't consider the parties that are involved - the relationship, children and the different roles that can change over time. Dr Thackeray feels that no marriage should last more than ten years without a reprogramming or reengineering because we get so comfortable and familiar and becomes so easy to stay together. It’s almost as if we need something to happen to make us look at the relationship maybe when we get married we should be thinking how do we ensure we want to stay together? What you want when you’re twenty or thirty is not necessarily what you want when you’re forty-five, or fifty or sixty. Maybe there is a case for us we to review   our relationships every ten years?

People step out of marriage for different reasons but in Nanci’s experience it’s usually because communication has broken down or people are just not being honest. They don’t feel secure enough to say what they mean and mean what they say. The failure of communication leads to a lack of accountability and people get entrenched into positions of misery and want to blame and point the finger at others. They are just not feeling satisfied but they don't have the emotional training to engage in difficult conversations about important things like Am I happy?  Am I satisfied? Am I feeling constricted about money? Am I not feeling fulfilled in my work? If you don't have the capacity for that or take the time to dig deep during a marriage you’re likely to end up at the divorce lawyers. There is a choices – do it yourself, go to mediation or through a collaborative process or go to court and make a public display of all your trauma.

People who are drawn to collaborative divorce process tend to be internally driven and motivated to grow. They have the idea that they don't want this to be a nightmare for everyone, they want it to be reasonable, amicable and civil and they don't want to lose their relationships with their partner and in laws. Because there are children to consider they want to have a there is so much grief and loss involved in divorce. If you can look at it through the lens of grief you might be able to have the opportunity in the collaborative model to see that this is the opportunity to ask yourself truly what do I truly want? What do I need? I want to be heard. I want to be able to love again, I want to have a good relationship with my children. I don't want my ex to hate me. I don't want to lose the whole concept of our family

Nanci feels we have to reposition it, reconfigure it and take feedback. If your outward and pointing fingers at your ex for ruining your life then its going to be a long haul through the divorce process, If you view it as an opportunity for a major life transition and don't let layers bully you through an adversarial process you can use it for personal growth and transformational change

Collaborative lawyers are not going to make it worse. They are orientated towards settlement and are not going to ask you to make major decisions about children or major financial issues until both parties are psychologically ready to be divorced. Often one person is ready because they have been thinking about it for some time but it comes as a complete shock to the other person so they are not prepared. With enough support Nanci feels the shocked spouse can come back stronger if you give them time and grieve the losses and realise that this is good thing, an opportunity to move into the next stage of my life confident, secure and feeling good. The process provides the skills to do this and in so doing set an example to your children about handling adversity and building resilience.

Levels of grief can vary but the grief is generally for the relationship rather than for each other. There are so many loses. You lose your best friend, lover, status as a spouse, maybe your home, time with your children, your extended family and of course money but you are also losing the dream. This is one of the hardest loses. Shock and denial are so string then you’re mad and struck by the unfairness of what is happening rather than your role as co creator of the dynamic that has led to this. You are also a co creator in the resolution that is going to work for both of you and your entire family. Many people get so stuck in their anger at being betrayed that it becomes solely the other person’s fault and they don't accept any responsibility for their own role.

Nanci is the author of Untangling Your Marriage: A Guide to Collaborative Divorce (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Oct 11, 2022). You can find out more about her at nancismithlaw.com.

   You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

A journey of awakening.

Beth Bell spent over fifteen years in strategic brand management in the pharmaceutical industry and which took her around the world. Eventually though she realised she wanted to do something more with her life. She loved her job but knew there was a bigger mission so she left her corporate life behind and moved to Bali, originally thinking she’d be there for three months but ending up being there for five and half years.

In total she spent seven and a half years in Asia and returned to the US in 2018 where she did her own shows ‘Pollenate the planet with love’ and  ‘Empowering peer love and purpose’.  She has now launched a book to on how we can stop the suffering of the mind by giving in to our souls plan and living the bliss that is our abundance and birthright.

Big pharma does not seem to be a place of great purpose and meaning. A lot of people get feelings that there is more so what was happening to you? What was going on in your head?

Beth is not really a disgruntled corporate person, but there is a soul seeking aspect of working for any big company. She always had the idea that there was something more that I’m here to do, something more that I want to contribute. After going though a tumultuous divorce which was also one of the biggest spiritual awakening moments in her life she just walked up the stairs of her corporate life and realised things had to change because she really wanted to do something different. She didn't really know what it was or where she should go but the idea of moving to Costa Rica came to mind. Within one week she had five people tell her she should go to Costa Rica and she took that as a sign. She started looking at the airfares and told herself that if the ticket was cheap enough she would go. It was and she took that as the last validation sign so bought the ticket and then realised she would have to quit her job.

Beth’s employer’s offered her a three-month sabbatical but after one month she realised she want to go back any time soon. She didn't want to leave her team without a leader so she decided to give them notice and not take the three months. She kept travelling and this started to accelerate her spiritual journey. She ended up going back to the corporate world after two years which turned out to be a great opportunity with many more things unfolding from there. Beth feels she was divinely guided to leave her corporate life, to return to it and finally leave it for good many years down the road.

You had an idea but you acted on it. lots of people don't act on. You de-risked it but there is a difference between people who act and those that don't. What is it that makes you take action?

Beth feels that she developed intuitive risk taking. It was a risk to leave her corporate life and pay check and it did take a lot to make the jump but intuitively she knew she wanted to follow her heart and didn't want to be a person who said woulda shoulda coulda. She wanted to be the person that lived her life to its fullest and not in fear. She read a book called ‘A Course on Miracles’ which told her that life is either based on love or fear. She choose love and that meant she was going to go where her heart said she should go. To Beth intuitively doesn’t mean doing something on a whim rather it means listening to the feeling in your gut and then finding some validation points to make it make sense.

Beth’s divorce was painful. She fell in love with someone who was a great companion and had a lot of things in common with. She also fell prey to the white picket fence fairytale of romantic love. They both had different ideas about who they were as people and what they wanted to represent. She spent a lot of time enjoying her marriage but ended up lying to herself, not intentionally because didn't know she was lying to herself but she was not seeing the relationship for what it really was and how it was holding it back. She doesn't think her ex wanted to intentionally hold her back but we all have fear in relationships and in love. We want to protect ourselves and we all have ideas of want a relationship should be.

They started to part but then Beth hadwhat she refers to as an awakening kiss at 30,000 feet. Someone woke her up and she realised that she wanted more and that she could be in a relationship that gave her more. It was an awakening kiss because it wasn't a relationship that then was heavily pursued, it was an awakening to say there is so much more in a relationship that she was capable of. It was difficult because she had been with her husband for ten years and it wasn't something he wanted. It created a challenge and it took five to six years to settle the divorce.

Beth is still very grateful for the relationship because it was good in a lot of ways and taught her a lot of things. It was a challenge to get of though and she spent a lot years going under every rock, nook and cranny to make sure she healed from all the things that had come about from the relationship.

Beth’s new book is called Angels, Herpes and Psychedelics. She was encouraged by many people to change the title but she feels the title was spirited to her.  She breaks it down by explaining that Angels are always around to guide us. They appear in many forms but surround us everywhere. Everyone is an angel and we need to be open to the people in our lives so we can listen to the lesson they are here to help us with. Herpes refers to the different traumas that appear in life. Beth feels that viruses of the mind are the biggest trauma in life. These mean different things for people but we need to unravel the storyline of our mind to stop suffering.

Beth always had an absolute no go drug policy with just an occasional use of alcohol but she now feels that after twenty years of building her spiritual toolbox, psychedelics have helped her to completely embody the intellectual concepts she had with all her spiritual learning in a completely new way.

Beth came to psychedelics because at one point she was a flower whisperer. In her corporate world she could not meditate so she started photographing flowers and fell in love with the vibration and energy of flowers and this became her meditation. This led her into her being more interested in plant based medicine because she understood the power of flowers and plants. Coming from big pharma she finds it interesting that there are no over 250 pharmaceutical psychedelics companies all studying different molecules. A number of them are featured on the New York Stock Exchange so are seen as legitimate companies and it is likely that approvals for some psychedelics will be given in 2023.

There is lots of research and testing of psychedelics and the early results on their effect on trauma, anxiety and performance enhancement shows great promise. Conventional medicine is often reluctant and slow to take up new ideas so it’s often at the boundaries where you find advancements. However, the use of psychedelics is to be taken very seriously.

Beth feels it provides a great ability to help you work through trauma to expand your consciousness and that in an appropriate setting you can have an experience where you can understand the way that the universe works and who you really are and also unravel all the storylines in your mind that you don’t know are there. These can be ancestral or programmed from your parents, community or media and they can cause suffering.

Until you get into the depths of unraveling them to know who you really are, you will experience suffering. Psychedelics have the ability to give you a northern star that shows you where you’re headed, where you want to go and what your souls plan is.  

You can find out more about Beth at BethBell.me or her new book Angels, Herpes and Psychedelics, shares her journey of awakening and provides a spiritual toolbox others can learn from.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

Intimidating? Me?

Nobody likes working in an intimidating work environment. The problem is some people don’t know the effect they have on people. They think they operate in a collaborative culture and value input from their staff but the office goes quiet when they walk in, people won’t look them in the eye and are nervous when asked to complete a task!

Intended or not, intimidation implies a threat and some people just aren’t able to regulate their responses to others. They lack ‘Emotional Intelligence’. Their mood or emotional state makes them seem threatening and they use phrases and body language that are ‘too powerful’. That said, most people don’t deliberately try to intimidate their co-workers - it's obviously much better to motivate and inspire your team rather than intimidate them into action.

Whilst the intimidation could be created by something you can’t actually control, such as being taller and towering over other people, it is possible to change some of your actions to help foster an open environment where employees feel able to express themselves. 

• Look for what people do well and congratulate them

• Focus your attention solely on the person you’re talking to

• Be an active listener

• Ask how you can help

• Use open body language

• Maintain good eye contact and smile

• Admit to mistakes you make

• Try to be more relaxed

• Be a continuous, lifelong learner

• Ask for constructive feedback

Very few leaders set out to be intimidating. Most have a real desire to get along with their employees and build relationships based on mutual trust and respect but no one is immune to intimidating staff.

By better understanding how to moderate unspoken gestures and spoken reactions, being real with other people, setting aside the quest to win or be perfect, and being as compassionate to those around you as you would be to yourself means you’ll be better equipped to avoid being seen as intimidating.

Overcoming challenges and limiting beliefs

Michelle Kuei was permanently disabled as a result of a hit and run car accident when she was 11 years old. Growing up in a society and culture where beauty is weighted heavily on appearance, the stories that she was telling herself were harsh, brutal, and cruel. For many years, she allowed many of her negative beliefs about herself to rule. The idea of loving herself felt strange and she was afraid to be seen and known. Her story is one of courage, determination, and vulnerability. But more importantly, it is about having the confidence to face fear in everyday life. Facing our own worst enemy, facing our own judgments and harsh criticism. By letting go of her own judgments, she allowed who she is to flow freely and accept herself with unconditional love.

When she was growing up Michelle always thought that she didn’t belong. A lot of it came from not feeling good about herself, she didn’t see herself as normal. There was a lot of judgement involved. Self-criticism and putting herself down every time she wanted to try something new. Growing up was pretty challenging because the way she looked made her stand out.  During the recovery period after the accident she had to wear metal braces that were attached to an ugly pair of shoes. Michelle couldn't find anything to match. She was 15 years old and struggling with her body image, not feeling good about herself and struggling to communicate with her peers. When she arrived from Taiwan she didn't speak English at all, didn't know how to converse with people or express who she was. There was a lot of holding back and feeling she didn’t belong anywhere.

Many people feel they don't belong so you need to get to point of self-acceptance. Michelle feels her self-acceptance started to come into play later when she had reached a point where she was trying to figure out who she was when having a relationship with other people. In her 30s she wanted to go into the dating world and every time she went out on a date she felt she was looking for validation from someone to like her for who she was. She had a big question mark of exactly who am I? She was looking for the help or identity whilst trying to fit into the pieces of the puzzle and be considered as a normal person. Through that journey, she realised that finding yourself is not something that you find or seek from elsewhere. It’s not something external. It’s really a journey where you go inwards. That was one of her aha moments. One day she was crying for no reason, looking around and feeling completely lost and not knowing who she was. She was doing a lot of people pleasing, pretending to be normal, going out and looking for outside validation. Inside she felt she was an empty hole trying to feel and never felt complete. At this point she realised that no one was coming to save her so she had to save herself.

Michelle feels that finding yourself is not an activity that you do outside of yourself. She believes that your being is naturally happening. You already are. There is no doubt you are perfect, brave or beautiful but in our overall consciousness that waking up to the moment of realising that who you are is already happening, is already perfect. None of us are really finding anything outside of us. There are a lot of things that happen to us in life, events, injuries, trauma or divorce. With any type of life event happens we try to protect ourselves so we cover ourselves to survive and continue living. A life event such as the pandemic makes people withdraw and disassociate to protect themselves and others from things they used to care for. When people do that they go into a victim mindset - things always happen to me and only bad things will happen to me. What we are saying to ourselves, our inner voice or the way we speak to ourselves means the way we create stories in our mind leads to a lot of resistance and fighting that we have to go through. Whether it's a relationship with another or ourselves, the story we are living in and telling ourselves matters. Part of the challenge is to recreate your own narrative.

Becoming and unbecoming is part of the process. Under the impression that we have to become something to be something, in reality there is nothing that you need to become – you already are. The realisation is that we pick up all these beliefs and societal constructs or limiting beliefs as we go through our life journey but a lot of them don’t belong to us. There is an unconscious bias about how a woman should be, how she should behave, how she should dress. All of these are external limitations that play upon on a woman but who created that construct? Not me, I am perfect just the way I am!  I have a voice and an opinion and when appropriate and when asked I will share my expression and voice. Its about unbecoming not becoming. Becoming sounds like someone had an expectation and you need to follow thorough in order to become and fit in that expectation. Unbecoming is coming from realising that who you are is at the core. The value that you hold in your life, the belief that you have and how you want to show up. Looking inward bring inwardness out. It feels like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon. You are not becoming the external version of yourself, you are becoming the internal version of yourself assuming that the internal version is gold.

Michelle is optimistic that everyone is born perfect. The definition of perfectness is something that exists outside of us that people are placing and helping us to understand. The human brain does not understand anything that is not labelled. We learn words, phrases, language and stories because we are trained to give meaning to the things that we don’t understand. The fact that being perfect is actually something someone else has defined for us. Michelle’s theory is that we need to redefine that perfection, we need to redefine perfectness because you are already perfect for who you are at this very moment.

The desire to be a perfectionist is actually perfect. Everyone is on a journey so if we are trying to be a perfectionist there is a desire inside of us to accomplish. If we take out the negativity and the connotation that being a perfectionist is something bad, being a perfectionist just means you want to make sure that what you present and when you present yourself you are the best version of who you are. The idea of being a perfectionist is not a bad thing. Our mind thinks it's a bad thing but in reality perfectionists are just doing things at their best. A lot of perfectionists suffer from anxiety because they can’t live up to their own perception of themselves. There is a discrepancy in terms of coming to the realisation that my perfectionism is perfect versus my perfectionism is really causing me to be anxious and debilitated. It’s about how our relationship to the word and how the expectation was set in force.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Michelle at https://elevatelifecoaching.org

Mastering the nine pillars of resilience

Dr Stephen Sideroff started his career as a research looking at a learning and memory. He then moved into clinical work where he quickly realised stress was a major modulator of how people felt. They could be feeling really good but as soon as the amount of stress in their life increased, their coping abilities become strained and they began to develop different kinds of symptoms. He realised that if he helped people deal with stress it would help in all areas of their lives.

Dr Sideroff feels that people have a lot of ambivalence about managing stress because not all stress is bad and also because many of our successes are accompanied by stress. Because of this he switched to a more positive concept of resilience that he finds people are more attuned to.  As a result he developed his own nine pillar model of resilience. Stephen’s nine pillars encompass three different areas:

1. Relationships

a. Relationship with self. This is the foundation of all the other pillars. How you relate to yourself. Do you come from a place of love, acceptance and compassion or from a place of judgement, criticism and negativity.

b. Relationship with others. Do you have good boundaries. Can you make good choices in who you choose as people to relate to. If you have no choice eg a boss or colleague can you maintain good boundaries so you don't absorb negative or conflictual energy.

c. Relationship with something greater. This includes spirituality and having meaning in life. Having purpose or giving service, something that connects you to the larger community.

2. Balance and Mastery

a.    Physical balance and mastery. This is usually what people refer to when they talk about stress management.  Being able to relax readily, getting a good night’s sleep and being able to keep your nervous system in a place of balance.

b. Cognitive balance and mastery. This is about having a positive outlook and expectations. It doesn't mean you ignore dangers but once you've planned for them and handled them you switch into a more positive frame of reference.

c. Emotional balance and mastery.  Are you able to notice feelings that arise in your body and do you handle them appropriately so that you can let them move through and out of your body and not carry any excess emotional baggage

3. How we engage in the world

a.    Presence. People usually refer to being aware of your surroundings and being present in the moment. Stephen looks at two directions of presence. One is what I’m receiving and being aware of my environment and the second is my presence. What is the energy I project out to the world and that includes facial expression, posture etc.

b.    Flexibility. Am I able to make adjustments based on current circumstances. This has been very important over the last couple of years as paths of success have been blocked because of the pandemic. Are we able to make adjustments so that we can still get satisfied. Are we able to have different perspectives and also see those of other people. It’s about flexibility on many levels.

c.     The ability to get things done. We’re able to go out into the world. We have courage, persistence and perseverance so we can be successful in life. When we are successful it increases our sense of agency and self-confidence and then we experience stresses less impactfully.

One of the things about resilience is that it takes challenges to become more resilience. Challenges are resilience fuel. Dr Sideroff found his challenges in relationships, moves to different locations and jobs as well as challenges in the jobs forced him to challenge himself and become more resilient. He worked for fifteen years as an apprentice to a shaman which showed him a whole different way of viewing the world. It was in those years that he broke through some of his own defenses. He feels we can’t stay just on the surface of life.  The wounding is what breaks us open and causes us to reach deeply inside ourselves. All of this was what shaped him and how he approaches resilience.

Dr Sideroff has used biofeedback in and research biofeedback for many years. Biofeedback is a way of monitoring some aspects of your physiology and feeding that back to the person you’re working with or yourself. When you make an adjustment physiologically you get immediate feedback letting you know of your success so its an optimum conditioning or learning model that helps us tune in better to our bodies so we get into a better place of physiological balance.

Neurofeedback monitors brainwave patterns so you are able to get more directfully to the origins of physiological control For example, Dr Sideroff participated in a research study where they went into a drug treatment facility where they did a series of neurofeedback sessions. The first stage was to help people become more present by enhancing their access to prefrontal cortex and the cortex in general so it helped with attentional issues and being able to focus. They then shifted into another neurofeedback approach called Alfa Beta. This creates a deep state, a beta state in which memories can come up. Trauma can also come up but in the context of a very calm state so it’s a way of helping someone move through their trauma and be able to let go of it. It had tremendous success in the research study where there was twice as much abstinence two years post treatment as in the control group and 77% after three years.  This helped to put this kind of neurofeedback model into a number of drip drug treatment centres.

Resilience is a lens that brings together many schools of thoughts into a more tangible set of circumstances. Right now Dr Sideroff feels it is very important for people to learn resilience. We are all faced with huge challenges in the world. The complexity of life right now and with the pandemic and war in Ukraine makes it really challenging people all over the world. Resilience is a fluid kind of concept because it’s always about the best way of being in the present moment.

The future is evolving so quickly in comparison to the last twenty years. We are moving to adaptability and the reinvention of the future for ourselves.  There are some factors that interfere with our adaptability. If we adapt very well to our childhood environment that adaption can get locked so we carry the same type of adaption into adulthood.  If we have difficulty adapting to the adult environment it may be because we carry the lessons of our childhood into adulthood. If we grow up in a very dangerous childhood environment where we are always on the lookout for danger as an adult we keep our stress response activated much more that it needs to be. The lessons of childhood very frequently get in the way of fully adapting as an adult.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more or take Dr Sideroff’s resilience challenge or download a relaxation visulisation exercise at drstephensideroff.com  

A resilience assessment booklet is available by emailing sideroff@ucla.edu

Your story matters

Clint Davis was born in South Africa but, after living in Dubai and Australia, he and his wife realised a decades-long dream of living in the USA when they won the Green Card Lottery, a 0.73% chance. He and his wife then moved to Los Angeles, and eventually settled in Austin, Texas.

Clint considers resilience to be one of our greatest characteristics. Living in different countries is not as glamorous as it sounds. Growing up in South Africa he learned about adversity quickly particularly because of the dynamic change from the apartheid system and the racial healing that had to take place over a number of years. Clint and his wife developed a mindset that helped them deal with the different changes and challenges that played out as they moved from country to country. Whether it was budgetary issues or fitting into different communities, their approach became ‘this is where we are’ ‘this is the decision we made’ ‘lets see this through’ and ‘how do we do it’ rather than ‘can we do it’.

Moving gives you the opportunity to reinvent yourself but it also allows you to leave things behind. The more you mature the more you want to leave certain things behind. In your youth, when you move from a country you want to hang on to every nostalgic artifact and relationship but the truth of ‘out of sight out of mind’ is a human fact when you live it and over several moves you can lose many relationships. The reinvention of self is hard to translate back to people if you don't see them face-to-face. When you move countries you have to reinvent yourself and Clint feels the expats who don't make it are the ones who wanted to hang on to their homeland ideologies and didn’t recognise that a new country and culture require them to change. If you can find the balance of your roots and pair it with where you are now you can become an interesting tapestry of a person.

Holding on to your past is important in terms of resilience as its part of who you are. You need to adapt it for the future though rather than simply preserving it. There is a constant battle about what you hang on to and what you let go. Nostalgia actually holds you back when it come s to engaging with a new culture and will hold relational growth back.

Different structures, careers, countries, environments, types of jobs and the entrepreneurial world all need resilience to know you are going to get things wrong so failure needs to be factored in as part of the build process. People define failure differently but Clint feels that if you need to look at each failure as a learning environment , to approach it with a willingness to fail and learn from it and the humility that comes with it. If you are emotionally healthy and stable, you know that what others see as failures, you recognise as lessons and you don’t see failure but growth.

Clint spent seventeen years in radio, broadcasting to four different countries and was also a high performance driving instructor at racetracks and skidpans. Additionally he was involved with freelance podcasting and interviewing and event management. Now with his company Capsil App, the biggest difference is that instead of just doing it and taking the risk for himself, he now has a team of co-founders so needs to keep them and their families in mind as well as the product users and their families.  He feels you need to make a shift from yourself to how your decision making, emotional intelligence and communication plays out not just to keep things pure but to make sure things are communicated correctly - the heartbeat that everything you created as this entrepreneurial version of yourself is actually relayed and received in the correct light of what you are trying to do.

Clint feels that while we live in a digital age, we have done a poor job in passing our personal histories on generationally because there isn’t a stable platform to keep them on. Capsil App is a new platform where users can gather their memories and life stories into digital time capsules with full user control so it can be shared privately with future generations or on an optional public feed to inspire others. It can also provide users with coached storytelling expertise who can help remember all the details and create a meaningful recount of your life events and memories.

For more about Clint or information about Capsil.App visit www.capsll.app/

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

What relationships need to succeed. Communication, learning and resilience.

Kathryn Ford has been practicing psychotherapy for over 20 years. She now specialises in working with couples and other relationships having realised the importance of relationships and that she could do a better job if she had the whole relationship in the room rather than a single piece of it.

Kathryn feels being in a couple is very natural but that it’s also very natural to have difficulty being in a couple. Statistics show that about 75% of all human beings will attempt to be in a couple or major relationship at some point and, as Kathryn says, these relationships are the major way we continue to grow as adults.

When people make the mistake of thinking that the relationship is difficult because there is something wrong,  wrong with one of them, wrong with the relationship or that they are the wrong match, what’s really going on is that there is a lot of learning to be done and it takes a while to figure out how to do that.

Kathyrn feels that realising that being in a relationship is the single most important thing you can do for your own happiness and that pursuing your own happiness separately doesn't usually result in happiness. Some people ask her what is the most Important thing to look for in a partner and she thinks that we need to look for someone who likes to learn and is interested in learning because most of what you will need to do with this person is to learn together.

People often look for a type of person for a relationship without understanding what a type is and how restrictive that is. You could also look at there being different relationships for different stages in life. In the same way a company grows, relationships can have their entrepreneurial, start up and acquisition phases. The need is always to figure out how to learn together because relationships can run their course if you don't keep doing this.

Children can change relationships. In previous generations children were not at the centre of the parental relationship but in many cases now that is completely reversed. Couples need to realise that they have to prioritise their child’s health and wellbeing but that the learning for that child will come from how well they do as a couple. The main task of the family is to help the children learn to be with other people but how can you help your child learn how to relate if you’re not doing a good job of that yourself? There needs to be a emphasis on the couple. Previously families were larger social groups and there were a lot of people around to help each other. These days its more likely that two adults are trying to raise their children so the quality of their relationship makes the difference in sustaining the energy needed for the demands of being a parent. This highlights how couples need resilience. We need to face our battles together, help each other as we fail and bounce forward and learn from the experience.

Kathryn feels that the type of conversation that many couples have does not help. Often it boils down to a debate, a checking in about who knows what and whose ideas are better. What’s needed is an enlivened conversation that builds resilience and allows both people to explore and learn together. They can then move out of an adversarial mindset to a place where they can learn and be resilient together. Kathryn feels learning is the most important thing that a couple needs to do. A relationship can be demanding and needs energy and an inspiring vision, something to aim for that learning can be added to. The vision is what you’re going to learn to do together not who you already are when you start the relationship. Relationships do through different stages and this can bring different aspirations - one person moves forwards and leaves the other one behind.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Kathryn and her work at her website including details about her new course starting this month with Stanford Continuing Studies .

Understanding what’s important … and what’s not. Love after 50

Francine Russo is a widely recognised journalist who covered the Boomer beat for Time for over a decade as well as writing for Scientific American, The Atlantic, and other major publications. 

Over the last two decades the number of divorces in the over 50-age group has rocketed and there are a lot of people looking for new partners. Francine herself was widowed twice before she found her current partner and was asked by many people for advice on meeting people and building new relationships. She realised that over the years she learned a lot about herself, about dating and about resilience as well as the more practical tools such as online dating so Francine her latest book Love After 50: How to find it, enjoy it and keep it, is designed to be both practical and psychologically helpful.

Studies have shown that love after 50 is more satisfying than at any other stage in life. Francine feels that people are more emotionally stable, more focused on the present and know not only what they have to have, but also what they can live without. Partnering is no longer about building a family, career and fortune. It’s about sharing intimacy as grounded individuals. And sex isn’t a pass or fail anymore, but about becoming erotic friends.

Dating brings the opportunity to reconnect with people but before reconnecting with the active world and meeting new people, it’s essential to get over previous relationships. If people start dating when they’re bitter, angry or lack confidence it will never work. People need to be OK with themselves – to be comfortable with themselves and their life as a single person before they can start to build new relationships.

Using social media and online dating sites can be a good way to ‘try’ a relationship, and ‘catch and release’ so, if after a couple of months things aren’t working, it’s time to move on. Some people can tap into any neediness they perceive so it’s important to be sensible when judging potential partners and to remember that there may be feelings of rejection in some instances.

Francine feels that time negates relationships and that when we’re older there is a different structure to a relationship. The rest of life element can be more bittersweet. There may be more day-to-day time to share but the years together are limited so people often feel grateful for the time together and just let small annoyances go. 

Because they aren’t raising children or building a career, people tend to come together for love, companionship and mutual support. Some people choose to marry, others live together or live apart. Some see their children and friends together and build a joint social life whilst others keep their lives separate and simply spend the time they want to together. There can be some problems if children are unhappy or unsure about a parent building a new relationship so it’s better to start with limited expectations about blending families. It’s not essential to work as a unit, just decide what to do together and what to do apart and to understand what’s important and what’s not

 You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Francine here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Francine’s book Love after 50 is available here.

Moving on from gambling addiction. The importance of love and support.

Patrick Chester started gambling in his late 20s. It was something he grew up with and it was portrayed as something that was commonplace. Initially it was a fun activity, something he did with his with friends. He was in his early 30’s when he got married to Erica in 2006 and it was after this that his gambling led him to start making bad choices, hide things from Erica and lie to cover up his gambling.

Over the first nine years of their marriage there was a slow progression of the lies and deception. Patrick was working for himself as a contractor and he started using the money he made and also borrowed more money to feed his gambling habit. In 2015 Erica’s family found out what was going on and got involved by arranging an intervention with a moderator. Patrick then went into treatment for a month and shortly afterwards had to go to jail for some crimes he had committed to feed his addiction.

Erica feels she has learned a lot the last six years. She had no idea gambling was an addiction and was not willing to give up when she learned how sick Patrick was and how he wanted to get better. She couldn't throw the towel in knowing it was addiction that was causing him to be sick and not reckless behaviour.

Often it is not just the addict who carries guilt or shame. It is only recently that Erica learnt to let go of a lot of this – should she have asked more questions, investigated more or not believed his stories. When they first met they had a lot of things in common - sports and the outdoors and she had no reason not to trust him. When she found out about the gambling she felt duped and angry but when she looked back she realised there were some missed red flags – some times her debit card didn’t work but Patrick would always have a reason for it and she believed him. The problem would be fixed but should she have demanded proof or better answers?

Patrick never came clean with Erica, rather he sent an email to another family member. Erica had a call from her Dad saying he needed to see her urgently because he had found out that Patrick had a really bad gambling addiction, they weren’t sure how bad it was but they were leaving now and meeting an interventionist. Erica had no control over anything as everything she knew came from a third party.

Her family put an intervention in place in 24 hours and the family met with the interventionist the day prior to the intervention. Erica doesn’t remember very much about it. She was in complete shock and very emotional. The interventionist explained about addictions, what it does to the body and brain and what would happen the next day. They all had to write a letter to Patrick saying that if you don't choose this lifeline, there is no place for you. It was a massive ultimatum. When he arrived Patrick realised what was going to happen. Once he got over his initial reaction he felt a huge sense of relief that things where coming to a head – he was ready for it.

Erica is indebted to her family. It was very surreal with everyone coming together. They were angry but they put that to one side and focused on fixing Patrick even without knowing the full extent of the problem. The focus was ‘lets get this figured out and get him fixed’. Once he had gone into treatment everything started to come out which for Erica was terrifying. She didn’t know the extent of what Patrick had done and he had used her social security number for fraudulent purposes and she was left to deal with everything. All her family were involved along with three different lawyers but it still took weeks to sort things out.

It has taken a very long time for Erica to forgive Patrick. Through counselling, Gam anon and researching the subject she managed to separate the person from the addiction – the person she married was not the person who did those things – but there was so much anger and hurt sometimes she thought it was all too difficult.

In the beginning she was very vigilant and almost paranoid but the more Patrick showed he was on the right path the more trust there was. They improved their communication style and she took charge of all their finances. Now she thinks that Patrick has done so many good things through his recovery that there is too much to risk. Patrick felt that the first couple of years were very difficult and frustrating at times but if he took a step back he realised that he had a chance to regain Erica’s trust. Now he feels they have built trust and transparency in life.

Erica feels that Gam anon was really helpful. She needed to know she was not the only one and relate to people going through the same things. This along with the specialist addiction therapist she worked with formed the basis of the team she built around her. She feels the most important ways of supporting someone with a gambling addiction is to educate yourself, don’t give up, to surround yourself with people who love and support you and not to make judgments. Patrick feels that when someone is in a gambling frenzy the most important thing is to tell someone that you are struggling - the disease will progress and won’t go away on its own. You need help and talking about it is the first step.

He also recommends that anyone who feels they has a problem gets in touch with Gamblers Anonymous and the National Suicide Prevention line in US or the Samaritans in UK.

You may also be able to access help in the UK at https://www.okrehab.org/

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Erica and Patrick here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Pulling the gems from adversity. Mindsets and tools to rebuild, inspire and dream bigger.

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled - Pulling the gems from adversity. Mindsets and tools to rebuild, inspire and dream bigger.

Susan De Lorenzo is an author, speaker and certified transformational life coach who focuses on helping women who are emerging from life-altering adversities. As a survivor of invasive breast cancer whose marriage dissolved as treatment ended, Susan draws on her personal journey as well as her training as a life coach to give clients, readers and listeners the mindsets and tools to rebuild their lives in alignment with their deepest desires.

Susan works with her clients to build a mindset where, no matter what has happened, you believe you can create something even greater through a higher platform of awareness to give inspiration to dream bigger and go for more.

Although her mother was a breast cancer survivor, when Susan had her breast cancer diagnosis she was shocked.  She never imagined it would happen to her and the diagnosis unravelled her. The first diagnosis was not the most serious. During a check up her oncologist asked if anyone had spoken to her about the lump in her other breast. At the time Susan was working full-time, had an 18-month old son and a new house that needed a lot of work and she found that she was very angry. The diagnosis was very hard to digest and she was very resistant to it and didn’t even want to do chemo.

People sometimes describe cancer as a battle but Susan thinks we need to develop the relationship we have with ourselves which is what gets us through. When adversity hits us we need to ask what can I do with myself to make it OK - I know it’s not going to be great but how can I keep my awareness that I’m not alone and am connected to life. Knowing that can be the strength by making it real for ourselves and our centre or eye of the storm. We are the centre of our own experience. Families often don’t know what to do to help and we end up comforting them. They don't have the skills to help or they have their own thoughts and feelings about what you’re going through. We need to remember that's their experience, I have mine.  

In the US divorces relating to couples where one is going through cancer are higher than the national average. Susan knew her marriage was going to be problematic but was determined to get married and have a family. She grew up with a parent who suffered with depression and this was something Susan’s partner suffered from as well.

Susan had 4 surgeries and 6 months of chemo and radiation but was then told she was cancer free. She found she had a new love of life. She wasn't going to play small anymore and was at a higher level but her partner was in depression. Susan felt they should work at their relationship but her partner wanted to be alone – he couldn’t deal with how happy Susan was.

When we go through adversity and start to come out the other side we sometimes find that we are going at a different speed to our partner. The other person is still where they were and unless you move together it becomes a challenge

The model of marriage is very romantic but the idea of staying together is impossible unless both people are growing. We need to remember it’s OK to let go if the other person doesn't grow at the same level. People move ahead and change. It takes something fundamental to change. We need to re-engineer relationships and remain interested in growth and what’s going to be next. We need to have something to look forward and to stay real by talking about the elements of life, what’s happening in the world and what’s happening to friends.

Susan works with clients coming out of life altering adversities.  The first thing they learn is to understand is that it’s not just other people who overcome adversity and that they can too. They need to be open to the idea that this is for me too so how can I design my life so it gets me to a place where I love my life.  This needs building and learning to overcome beliefs and conditioning – the not good enough syndrome.

Susan now spends her time between Rhode Island and Florida. Later this year Balboa Press will be publishing her new book Pulling the Gems from Adversity where she shares the five stages of working through adversity to come back even stronger.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Susan here. Our previous podcast episodes and upcoming guest list are also available.

Our full blog archive is also available.

You can get in touch with Susan at https://SusanDeLorenzo.com or at her Facebook page