Running towards the cannon. Self-acceptance, resilience and mental wellbeing

Michele Capots is a speaker, writer and mental wellness and resilience coach who is currently based in Arlington, Virginia.  Michele went through a clinical depression in her 20s that led to her having suicidal thoughts and planning to kill herself. She was a binge drinker and didn't drink every day but once she started she generally couldn't stop. She was in recovery for many years and had a really hard time dealing with her alcoholism as she felt all the things she associated with it didn't apply to her. Her drinking started out as a coping mechanism. Her father died when she was two and she grew up thinking she was different.  Alcohol made that OK and later when she was seventeen a sudden death in the family led to the drinking became the coping mechanism.

Michele stopped drinking when she was 25 and although at the time she thought that was too young she’s now grateful she stopped at that age. When she stopped drinking she went through a depression and went to therapy and onto medication and got better. Years later she went through a similar depression but this one sent her into a manic episode and she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She knew nothing about bipolar and was in and out of psychiatric wards for three years. Her bipolar manic episodes were bipolar 1 that meant she suffered intense experiences of mania and these episodes sent her into hospital – the episodes happened, she  was treated then released. She felt better and then the next year it happened again. Michele thought it was going to be like this for the rest of her life.

Michele was worried that it meant she was crazy and that she should be able to snap out of it.  She didn't think it was something that happened in your adult life, rather it was something you were born with. The self-stigma she felt was difficult to overcome and made her fight against the diagnosis and she didn't admit she had a mental illness. Illness is often portrayed as a war and this is not the best way of approaching it. Someone told Michele that she should to run towards the sound of the cannon and she took this as meaning she should run towards the problem rather than away from it. When she accepted that the disorder was only a part of her not all of her she found freedom and achieved mental wellness.

Michele feels mental wellness is different to mental health. Mental health is the diagnosis, therapy, medication and appointment with the doctor. Mental wellness is about finding the tools to help us get there – exercise, eating well, meditation and practicing gratitude – all the things we do to that help us take care of ourselves and maintain our mental health. Self- acceptance was really important to Michele. She fought against having a mental illness and the more she fought the more she was in its grip. Recovery helped a lot with that so she was able to accept her mental illness and realise that there was more to her. She thought her mental illness was all she was about and could offer someone but she then realised that there was a whole other side that she wasn't embracing because she was focused on her mental illness.

Its only fairly recently that words like mental illness have become more accepted. Now it’s sometimes seen as an obstacle that can be overcome with good lifestyle and therapy. The external stigma has been reduced and in a way Covid has helped with this by bringing the conversation to the forefront. So many people were experiencing problems with their mental health and Covid helped to normalise it but there is still more we can do.

The current generation seems to be more aware of mental health as being non-stigmatised and recognise mental illness as not being any different to a physical illness. People sometimes stuggle with taking medication for a mental illness but its exactly the same – you are simply taking medication to help your illness. Michelle feels it is courageous that people stand up and talk about it but when you’re in the middle of it you still feel isolated and alone. Being able to talk to people who are knowledgeable, practical and pragmatic as well as therapists and coaches is important.  

Michele recently broke her jaw and went through a period where the feelings that started her depression came back but she realised what they were and that she could do something about them. Resilience helps with this - knowing you've been through it gives you the tool kit to go through it again and come out the other side.

Bipolar not a sign of weakness and now Michele embraces that part of her, the experiences she’s been through are what made her resilient and shaped who she is and what she does.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more at Michele Capots.com

Life in the Bipolar mind

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled - Life in the Bipolar mind.

In this episode, Dr. Russell Thackeray talks to Bob Krulish who is based in Seattle, Washington. Bob suffers from Bipolar 1 Disorder that, due to a misdiagnosis, was untreated for a large part of his life.

Bob’s definition of Bipolar Disorder is that it is a mood disorder that ranges from mania to depression.  The mania symptoms include becoming very animated with expansive moods, having numerous ideas and projects on the go with lots of energy to pursue them, and not needing to sleep for days at a time.  The criteria and symptoms for the depression are the same as in major depressive illnesses - not being able to get out of bed, having no energy or joy and a lack of interest in anything, including the projects that were so important during the mania phase.  The mania and depression comes in cycles that need to be managed. With the right management, the episodes can become fewer and less severe.

Bob was 16 when he first started to have bizarre behaviours, but a doctor did not diagnose him until he was 51. Bipolar Disorder can make it very difficult to get through school, hold down a job or have a relationship. In Bob’s case he finished collage very late at 31 but as his degree was in Mathematics, he was able to find work in the insurance sector, first as an actuary and then as a product manager. He also married and started a family. Work was difficult though and he had to move from job to job because, as he spent more time with people, things would get worse. Eventually he was fired from his high profile job and he not only lost his job but his marriage of 24 years, children, and friends and eventually ended up homeless. He spent two years living off welfare, not working or seeing many people until he was finally diagnosed and started taking medications

There is some evidence that Bipolar Disorder is genetic. Bob’s father left his family when Bob was 16 but now, on reflection, Bob feels his father was Bipolar. If there is a genetic predisposition, a trauma or high level of environmental stress can trigger the Bipolar gene and, once it manifests itself, it becomes something that needs to be treated for life. There is also some correlation between Bipolar and high intellect, high functioning mathematical and creative abilities. Bob feels that during manic cycles people can accomplish incredible things that can move them into positions of importance, which they may not really be suited to.

Medication is the main treatment for Bipolar. Over the last 11 years Bob has used 20 different medications in 65 different combinations but over time and in close consultation with his doctor, Bob can now manage his cycles.  He has also undertaken talk therapy with a psychologist that has given him a greater insight into his illness and how to manage it. He has also developed some coping strategies. Triggers for cycles include stress and a lack of sleep so Bob now makes sure that he doesn’t allow himself to get into stressful situations and that he gets at least 8 or 9 hours of sleep each night. He has developed a more thoughtful and calm lifestyle at a slower pace and he starts each day with study and meditation at 4.30 to get into the day.  

A number of people who are Bipolar also have Anosognosia, a condition where a person can be cognitively unaware of having it due to damage to brain structures which leads to a deficit of self-awareness. This can make it even harder for people to realise they are Bipolar. Even without Anosognosia, during a manic cycle people will not feel there is anything wrong but this is the point where it is far easier for a doctor to make a diagnosis.

Bob’s book is called ‘When Screams Become Whispers’ and it is about the 35 years when he was undiagnosed and it aims to give readers an idea of what its like in the bipolar mind. Bob hopes that the book will help people who have symptoms get a sense of whether they might need to see a doctor – if you see yourself in book then you need to talk things through with someone. 

Bob now coaches individuals and families on how to live better with the disorder.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Bob here. Our previous podcast episodes and upcoming guest list are also available.

Please visit bobkrulish.com to learn more or his Facebook page Bipolar Solutions