Time to invest in ourselves.

Dr Russell Thackeray’s podcast from December 2020 talks about the rather strange circumstances we found ourselves in 2020 and how we could launch ourselves into 2021. Unfortunately, much of this is still very relevant to the uncertain times we find ourselves in again this year so we thought it could be useful to return to it. In this podcast:

There is no doubt that during 2020 we’ve seen the best - and the worst of people in the work environment. There have been tales of heroism and triumph. People who haven’t worked for a large part of the year have had to deal with the economic and mental health issues that brings whilst others have worked relentlessly and tirelessly with the possibility of burnout hitting at some point. People have moved from big, open plan offices with the support, and problems, that brings to the challenge of working at home, sometimes in an environment really not suited to work!

The one thing we can bring out of the whole situation is the importance of resilience. We have seen that people can whether the storm, they can keep going and even thrive but its important to realise that they can’t keep going forever. At this time of year we all really need to do one (or both) of two things:

·      Stop and rejuvanate ourselves or

·      Invest in ourselves to plan forward.

Firstly, we need to really stop and look at what we’re doing. Remember we’re on holiday so turn off the work mobile, don't look at the emails and don’t start on the presentation needed in the New Year. We have to have a break to renew. Try some meditation or breathing exercises, have some long, relaxing baths or get out for some walks in the countryside.

Stopping will also help you to think forward. If you feel stuck or aren’t happy then start planning! There are a huge number of free learning courses online to help obtain some new skills. Alternatively, check out the Wheel of Life, which can help us think and project forward through categories such as career, relationships finance and happiness. It will also highlight the fact that at different points in our lives, different things are important. For example, at the moment you may be prepared to work hard because its getting you where you want to go but alternatively, you might be coming to a point where you’re working equally hard but you realise it’s not giving you what you need so it’s time to stop and think about what you really want.

Once we stop we can then start to invest in ourselves. We can begin by being more mindful about the way we engage with ourselves, our partners and our friends and family and the time we dedicate to them. We can look at our immune system and the nutrients and vitamins it needs to improve our sleep and help us generally feel better. We can also look at our work environment. We need to make sure we can move about freely, take time away from screens and build in proper breaks rather than just keeping going.

Rolling forward, it looks as if the seas will be a bit choppy so thinking about the narrative we use can help our mental state. If we think 2021 is going to be terrible we’ll spend our time dreading what’s to come whereas if we adopt more of a ‘what will be’ attitude we’ll be able to deal with situations a lot better. Plan some things that you can look forward to. Just the process of booking future holidays, family events or days out helps change our mental state. Remember how confirmation bias helps give us the things we believe in. If, on balance, we think 2021 will be a positive year it’s far more likely to happen if we tell ourselves it will. 

Our mental state can also be affected by the constant flow of social media. The dopamine surge when we get ‘liked’ on Facebook can be pretty addictive so we need to keep a healthy sense of perspective. The same is true about the media generally. We need to become more rationally pragmatic so we can make measured decisions about what we see and read.

Above all else, we need to be kind to ourselves. 2020 has been a year like no other and we all deserve some time and some self-care.

The only other thing to say is that we hope you have a happy and safe Christmas and we look forward to catching up with you again in 2022!

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

Building a life after loss. Healing from grief.

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled -Building a life after loss. Healing from grief.

Julie Cluff is a speaker, author, international life and grief coach, and the founder of Build a Life After Loss. As a life and grief coach, she helps those who are grieving to rebuild their life after loss and is the author of the book Miracles in the Darkness, in which she shares her experiences with grief, including the death of her two youngest children in a car accident on Mother’s Day in 2007, and her journey back to hope and healing. 

Julie is based in Salt Lake City, Utah but is originally from Florida. She lost her brother to suicide when she was in her 20s and this was her first really devastating loss. Shortly after this, she went through another painful period when she was divorced from her first husband, which left her with three small children to care for. Then, on Mothers Day on 2007, she was travelling from her home in Texas to her in-laws home in North Carolina with her three youngest children. She didn’t feel at all tired but mid-afternoon she fell asleep at the wheel. She woke up between the east and westbound lanes of the highway and in shock tried to pull her vehicle back onto the road but then felt the wheels lift off the road. She can remember the vehicle rolling but then hit her head and couldn’t see anything. When the vehicle stopped rolling, she could hear her twelve-year old son James who had been sitting next to her crying. She knew he was alive and in pain but when she called to her other two children who had been sitting in the back of the car, Cary who was ten and David who was eight, she got no answer.   

When she started to come round and her sight returned she realised that they had been thrown from the car when it rolled. The police and ambulance crews arrived at the scene but Julie was stunned both physically and emotionally and wasn't unable to get to Cary and David. She was then taken to hospital with James but Cary and David were taken to different hospital and it wasn't until two hours later that she found out they hadn’t survived. The level of pain and grief she then experienced was unlike anything she had experienced.

Physically she was the least injured from the crash with a broken wrist and sprained shoulders but her injuries were more emotional including PTSD.  As well as the three children who had been in the vehicle with her she also had three older children who hadn’t travelled with them because of their school schedule. The accident had a huge effect on these surviving children. Julie wasn’t in a good place herself so it was very difficult to support them, She and her husband relied a lot on their family, friends, church members and neighbours who all came together to help. The whole family also sought professional help and saw a therapist to get some direction. Julie also went through two and a half years of therapy to help with her PTSD.

Julie feels that her previous losses informed her experience dealing with such a horrific accident.  As well as reaching out to friends and seeking professional help, Julie feels that what kept her going was the thought that she still had things to live for. She was in extreme pain and felt that it would have been easier to have died at that moment but she still had living children and her husband. It was difficult for her marriage but they muddled through.

The guilt was unrelenting. Julie feels that we don't talk enough about self-forgiveness which is as important as forgiving others. It took a long time for Julie to accept and forgive herself. Sometimes when we blame ourselves we need to accept that ‘it is what it is’ and then ask ourselves ‘now what am I going to do with it’? The thought that keep coming into Julie’s mind was that there was a reason why she was still here. When we lose someone we love, especially if we are involved in an accident and have survivor’s guilt, we need to see that there is a reason we are still here and tap into it. We need to look for a path forward and see the good that can still come from our life. Things can be different if we can work thorough and let go of the pain of a loss. The loss is still there but if we can work through the pain then we can look forward and see that although life is different it can still be great.

Grief is something we will all experience but most of us are uninformed about what is normal and what is not. Support often comes at the wrong time. There are lots of offers to help at the beginning but you often end up having to cope with everyone else’s grief. The offers tend to have disappeared later when you need it.  Support needs to be stronger than the challenge. We need to find the support systems that will be meaningful and encourage us to build hope. Julie knows how emotionally hurt she was when her brother died and her marriage ended but despite how hurt she was she was able to move through it and rebuild her life. Her thought was that if she could do it before it is possible to do it again. What we really need is strong hope – a certainty of hope so we understand that it is possible

When people talk about closure they are triggered into thinking they can never move on. The loss still exists therefore they cannot recover, but closure is not the closure of the relationship. People get confused and think that if they let go of the pain they let go of the person. They connect the pain with the person and we need to separate the two. Julie lives in love and gratitude to her children who died and lives in love and gratitude to those who are living – you can’t raise one above the other

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Julie here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and are also available.

You can get in touch with Julie through her website buildalifeafterloss.com were you an find a weekly podcast and the option for a Free Discovery Consultation. Her book Miracles in the Darkness is also available.

Resilience, burnout and the importance of self-compassion

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled - Resilience burnout and the importance of self-compassion.

Dr Gail Gazelle spent a large part of her career as a hospice physician and end of life carer. Ten years ago she pivoted and retrained became an executive coach so she could help other physicians deal with what at the time was seen as an epidemic, physician burnout.

Dr Gazelle sees resilience as a deep well of resources that resides in each of us. Resilience is more than just bouncing back, it’s about reaching our personal or professional goals with the minimum unnecessary difficulty, whether it’s physical, emotional, spiritual or physiological. We all have goals but can run into obstacles and resilience helps us to reach our goals with minimum wear and tear.

There are many things that deplete resilience. Our life circumstances are often not within in our control. We can do little about where we are born, poverty, wealth, racism or other issues but some resilience comes with these circumstances. Another thing that can deplete resilience is not learning how to deal with our problems and being inflexible in how we approach them. We also don't learn how to work with our own thought processes. or have the fexibility of mind to work with our own mind. Additionally, we don't invest in the relationships that support us during hard times by connecting with people or nurturing and repairing our relationships.

The other area Dr Gazelle is interested in is burnout. Burnout can occur in a large variety of professions or workplaces. The thing that is universal is a lack of engagement and this captures the essence of what many people find in their workplace - that they are not being seen, they are not being given the time to do their job or being appreciated. Dr Gazelle feels that burnout is a feeling of being disconnected from our sense of purpose so that we become unfilled and emotionally exhausted. This is seen a lot in the healthcare sector and a result is that the focus of the person suffering from burnout becomes less on the patient on more on their own feelings. There is also a deep sense of pain which can stop them connecting with those they serve and should be taking care of. In other other professions burnout can lead to a loss of passion and caring and a sense of depletion and lack of direction.

Mindfulness is at the heart of resilience. It’s about awareness and paying attention to what’s right in front of us so we get to know our own mind patterns and understand when our mind is helping us or tripping us up. Mindfulness is different to self-awareness because mindfulness involves working with the judgments the mind makes and trying to bring more compassion and more kindness to ourselves and others.

Self-compassion is also a powerful tool that can help us find more inner peace, strength and motivation to deal with the challenges that come our way. Self-compassion is about responding to our own suffering in the caring way we would respond to a friend or a child who’s struggling. A Self-Compassion Break uses three different stages to directly experience the three components of self-compassion - Mindfulness, Common Humanity and Kindness. We need to bring compassion towards ourselves so that we are aware that we are struggling and going through difficulties. We need to remind ourselves that suffering is part of the human condition and this is what it looks like. By bringing the kindness to ourselves that we would give to someone else, ultimately builds greater kindness to ourselves.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Gail here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more at www.gailgazelle.com

Dr Gazelle’s book is Everyday Resilience. A Practical Guide to Build Inner Strength and Weather Life’s Challenge